


I Bleed When I Fall Down

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Abduction, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Eating Disorders, Gay, M/M, Murder, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Revenge, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Slut Shaming, Tarsus IV, Trauma, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-09 04:18:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 49,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4333593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay I got a request for a story from 3DBabe1999.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Confession

**Author's Note:**

  * For [3DBABE1999](https://archiveofourown.org/users/3DBABE1999/gifts).



> The title is from a song called Human. I’ve seen a video featuring Jim and I think it is perfect for this fic.
> 
>  
> 
> She wanted a fic where Jim was in love with Spock but when he confesses his love, Spock rejects him as not good enough for him, due to his alleged promiscuity. She wanted lots of childhood abuse in Jim’s past as well as Tarsus IV related angst in particular, with eating disorder issues for Jim. Abandonment issues for Jim as well as some jealous Spock when Jim flirts. And she wanted Spock to realize eventually everything he thought was wrong. And protective Bones. If you want more details you can read her comments on the third chapter of State of Being.

“How long have we been on this five-year mission, Bones?”

Bones eyed Jim over his black cup of coffee. He was currently wearing his shrewd doctor’s assessing look. A look, now that Jim thought about it, he wore a lot. At least when it came to Jim.

“Five months.”

“Is that all?” Jim asked with a dramatic sigh.

“Five months, two weeks, five days, four hours, fourteen minutes, and three point two seconds.”

Jim blinked. “Is that true?”

Bones cracked a smile. “Totally made it up. Thought I’d sound like the hobgoblin.”

Jim laughed. “You did there for a second. Thought he’d been influencing you more than I suspected.”

“Perish the thought.”

Jim stabbed at his rubbery eggs. “I really need to talk to whomever is in charge of the synthesizers. These are disgusting.”

“Eat them anyway.”

Jim made a face but forked a bite.

“Where is the hobgoblin anyway? He’s usually here with you.”

Jim shrugged. “I have no idea. He didn’t answer his door when I went to ask him if he wanted to get breakfast before shift.” Privately Jim wondered if Spock had spent the night with Uhura. He tried not to think too much about that because then his heart ached and butterflies fluttered around in his stomach.

And speaking of, Uhura stepped inside the mess and went up to the synthesizer. She was alone, though. After obtaining food, she glanced around and seemed to zero in on the table where Jim and Bones sat.

“Good morning,” Uhura said cheerfully as she put down her tray of fruit and cereal.

“Morning,” Jim replied.

They moved on to more mundane subjects before Bones excused himself to go to the medbay—not before ordering Uhura to make sure Jim finished his eggs—leaving Jim alone with Uhura. Jim always felt a little awkward around her, especially when they were alone, because—well, he was in love with her boyfriend. Not a damn thing he could do about it though.

“Where’s Spock anyway?” he asked, cutting right to his favorite subject—Spock. He was aware he was a little obsessed. Sort of ‘Enough of what I think about Spock. What do you think about Spock?’ Pathetic.

Uhura arched both of her eyebrows. “How would I know? You’re more likely to know than me.”

Jim frowned. “Huh? How do you figure?”

She stared at him for several moments of silence. “You really don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?”

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell you.” She leaned her chin on her hand. “Jim, Spock and I broke up. Months ago.”

“M-months? How many months?”

“It was right after the mission started. Honestly, it should have been even before that.” Uhura shook her head. “I would have thought he told you. Or hell, why didn’t you figure it out?”

“Figure it out? How?”

“You really are clueless, aren’t you?” Uhura reached over and patted his hand to seemingly take the sting out of her words. “Because, don’t you think if Spock had a girlfriend he’d be with her instead of you? He spends all his time with you, Jim. More specifically, can you imagine me just allowing my boyfriend to date you instead of me?”

Jim felt himself turn red. “We aren’t dating.”

“You know what I mean. Spock and I are just friends. And we’re better for it really. I love Spock. Still. But the truth is he was a really difficult boyfriend.”

“Yeah?”

Uhura smiled. “He’s not romantic at all. And doesn’t know how to be sensitive when he tells you things. I’m not really sure Vulcans and humans are very compatible.”

“But his mother was married to his father,” Jim pointed out.

“She was a saint. Trust me.”

Jim sighed. So Spock wasn’t even with Uhura. And hadn’t been for months. And had never said a damn word to Jim. He had no idea how he was supposed to feel about that. But he felt a little uneasy, honestly.

She squeezed his hand. Jim glanced up.

“Leonard says you’re supposed to finish all those eggs,” Uhura reminded him.

“Yeah, okay.” He nodded and finished every bite.

****

On the way to the bridge, Jim stopped off at his quarters and went to his closet. There he pulled out the bag he kept way in the back, out of sight of anyone. He wasn’t sure even the Yeoman who cleaned his room knew about it. He hoped she did not. He had closed it with an old-fashioned lock. He retrieved his key and unlocked it. Jim reached his hand inside and withdrew a small box he had bought at the last planet they’d visited. It contained native made cookies. Jim withdrew four of the square cookies and shoved them into his mouth. He chewed rapidly, closing his eyes in relief.

He put his hand to his stomach and sat on the floor of his quarters. He didn’t particularly savor the cookies. He barely tasted them when he swallowed them. But he’d needed them, nevertheless.

Jim stared at the remaining cookies in the box. He’d purchased twenty boxes down on the planet. It hadn’t been easy to get them without being noticed. He now only had ten of the boxes of cookies left. With a shaking hand, he picked up the other four cookies and shoved them into his mouth.

****

“You are very quiet tonight, Captain,” Spock said, from his seat across from Jim. The 3D chess set was between them.

“Am I? I don’t mean to be.” Jim stood. “Want some more tea?”

“Yes.”

Jim got Spock tea and himself a hot chocolate, brimming with extra mini-marshmallows. Spock arched a curious brow at him but said nothing.

“Missed you at breakfast.”

“I had some experiments to keep track of.”

“Oh. Yeah. Makes sense.”

A moment later, Spock declared, “Checkmate.”

“Damn,” Jim said with a smile. Spock looked downright smug, which just tugged on Jim’s heart. He had it bad. Spock was gorgeous and flipped every switch Jim had. Which thought just made him smile wider.

“So, um, you’re not with Uhura,” he heard himself suddenly blurt out. He wanted to kick himself in the shin.

“I am not.”

“You didn’t mention it.”

Spock paused as he took a long sip of his tea. “Was that a requirement?”

Now Jim felt kind of stupid. “No. Not a requirement. Exactly.”

“It does not affect my performance in any way. Nor do I believe it affects the lieutenant’s.”

“No, I know. But you said we’re friends, right?”

“Yes.” But Jim noticed a tightening around Spock’s shoulders.

“Friends share that information is all. Usually.”

“I find my intimate relationships to be extremely personal, Captain. I do not believe regulations require me to divulge such information and I do not believe it is appropriate to speak of it,” Spock said coolly. “Even with you.”

 _Ouch_. Well, that was quite clear.

“I mean no offense, Captain. As a Vulcan we value our privacy even during casual friendships.”

Jim blinked and licked his lips. _Casual friendships_. Just got better and better.

“I’m not offended, Spock. I did think we were better than casual friends.”

“It is merely a word choice, Captain. No true reflection on the depth of our friendship.”

Jim nodded. Took a sip of his cocoa. He really didn’t know why he felt compelled to say a word. Really. But yet it was like he could not keep his mouth shut. Short of sewing it closed.

“Maybe I was thinking of more than a friendship,” Jim said softly.

“Captain?”

“You-you know, um, the truth is, I’m in love with you, Spock.”

Dead silence greeted his declaration. Spock said nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just stared blankly at Jim. Jim’s heart now pounded so hard in his chest, he wondered if he was having an attack.

He wanted to say something. Anything. Maybe take it back? Jim didn’t know. He just knew that the heart pounding in his chest was slowly cracking the longer Spock remained silent.

“It’s generally preferable to provide some sort of response, Spock,” Jim finally got out, past the sawdust in his mouth. Jesus, what had he done?

“I do not return your feelings,” Spock said, and Jim wished he hadn’t insisted Spock respond. “You are my friend and commanding officer, however, I do not view you as an ideal romantic partner in any way.”

Jim went into another place in his head. It was either that or show some really ridiculous emotional display. He knew how to go to this other place. He had a lot of practice. Since he was just a boy.

“Vulcans value fidelity. My knowledge of your personal history is that you do not. You are, to put it bluntly, Captain, promiscuous. You would be the furthest thing from an ideal mate I can imagine.”

Jim heard the words. They buzzed in his ears, twisted in his head, and stabbed his heart. He forced the hurt away and concentrated on his tropical island. There no one could hurt him. At night he could lie on the island and gaze at the stars and be lost in them.

“Captain?” Spock’s voice broke through. He’d been continuing to speak and Jim had blocked it all out.

Jim managed to fake a smile. “No worries, Spock. It’s fine.”

“I do not intend to offend you.”

Jim wondered how harsh Spock would be if he intended to offend him. But he pushed that away, too. Really all that mattered about any of this was that Spock didn’t want him. He wasn’t interested in Jim. In any way. Period. 

“You didn’t. It’s all good. We can remain friends. Right?”

“I hope so,” Spock said quietly. “I do not have many.”

“You still have me.” Jim finished his cocoa and stood. He turned toward the closet where he kept his bag. He clenched his fists.

Spock stood behind him. “I shall retire for the evening. I find myself fatigued.”

Jim nodded, licked his lips. “Me, too. Night, Mr. Spock. Thanks for the games.”

As soon as Spock was gone, he opened his closet and took out more cookies. Before he even thought about it, he had eaten two more boxes.


	2. Best Friends

“Why are we hiding in here?”

Jim glanced up at Bones who stood next to his small table in the corner of the rec room where Jim sat. He’d deliberately got rid of the second chair that went with the table, intending to discourage anyone who thought he might desire company.

His usual tactics to put off people never worked with Bones though.

“I’m not.”

Bones grabbed a chair from another table and sat down. “We’re supposed to be having dinner.”

“Are we?”

“It’s Tuesday. We always have dinner on Tuesdays. You weren’t in your quarters or the mess room. You’re a hard man to find. Without help from the computer anyway.”

“Sorry, Bones, I must have forgotten.”

Bones eyed Jim for a couple of minutes at least without saying a word. “You look like you lost your best friend,” he finally said.

“You’re my best friend. I haven’t lost you have I?” The thought of losing Bones made his palms sweat and panic slam through his chest.

“You couldn’t if you tried.”

Jim tried a smile and thought he was mostly successful at it.

“Anything happen I should know about?” Bones persisted.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know,” Bones admitted. “There has to be some reason you’re like this. You were fine when I saw you yesterday.”

“Ever think you know something, absolutely know, and then you find out when you test that theory, you didn’t know it at all?”

“That’s certainly vague.”

Jim shook his head. “I made an idiot out of myself, Bones.”

“How this time?” There was no bite to his words though, and his voice was unexpectedly gentle.

“I confessed my love to-to Spock.”

Bones, to his credit, did not show his surprise. Jim figured Bones probably knew how Jim felt, because Bones knew everything, and even though he had never outright told Bones he loved Spock desperately, Jim figured Bones had guessed. So Jim suspected Bones’ surprise was from the fact Jim had actually confessed those feelings to Spock. Jim was kind of surprised himself.

It’s like when Spock was with Uhura, Jim could have some secret fantasy life that Spock really wanted Jim, he just didn’t want to hurt Uhura. Something like that. But finding out they weren’t a couple, and hadn’t been for months, made Jim act and reveal feelings he probably wasn’t ready to reveal. Hell, he never should have been ready to reveal. But he couldn’t unsay what had been said.

But in his wildest dreams he hadn’t imagined Spock would tell him he wasn’t good enough for Spock, that he was just a dirty slut. He hadn’t used those exact words, sure, but it amounted to the same.

“Jim?”

Jim realized Bones had been speaking and he’d gone inside his head again. “Sorry. What?”

“I asked what happened after that.”

“Oh.” Jim looked down at the table. “He doesn’t love me. Will never love me. Finds the idea of me appalling. Basically.”

Bones frowned. “He said all that?”

“Yeah. Vulcans value fidelity and blah blah. Slutty Jim would make a terrible prospect for Respectable Spock. That’s the gist of it.”

“Son of a bitch.”

Jim sighed. “Should have kept my mouth shut. As usual.”

“What prompted the confession anyway?”

“I found out he and Uhura aren’t a couple anymore.”

Bones snorted softly. “I knew that.”

“Yeah? Well, thanks for cluing me in.”

“Honestly I thought he’d tell you.”

Jim rubbed his temples. “Apparently we aren’t even very good friends.”

“You and Spock?”

“Uh-huh. I found out that last night, too. It was a great night for Jim Kirk, that’s for sure.”

Bones grimaced. “What are you going to do?”

“Nothing. Pretend it never happened. I think that’s the best course for everyone.” Jim stabbed at the PADD he had with him. “We’re headed for Space Station 7. Should be there sometime tomorrow. We’re taking on supplies. Including medical ones. Be ready.”

Bones nodded. “I will be. Let’s go to the mess and get some dinner.”

“I’m really not that hungry,” Jim said. The truth was, he was starving. But he always felt like he was. That feeling was nothing new. “And the mess is too crowded.”

“Afraid you’ll run into the hobgoblin?”

Jim held back a wince. “Maybe.”

“We’ll eat in my quarters then,” Bones said, drawing Jim up from his seat. “And you’re going to bed early. You look exhausted.”

“Thanks, Bones. You’re the best.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

****

Jim coded in his access to his quarters after his dinner with Bones and entered. He could have used a shower but the truth was he was feeling far too lazy for that and decided he’d just shower when he woke up. Earlier he had received a message from Spock asking if he was free for chess. He’d been with Bones and hadn’t bothered to answer, so as he pulled off his two shirts, he typed in a response.

_Sorry, Mr. Spock. Spent the night with Bones. JTK_

Spock probably thought he meant something else entirely when he said ‘spent the night’ and maybe he could have worded it better, but really, what did it matter what Spock thought about his sex life? He’d made it clear he wasn’t interested in Jim that way.

He went to the synthesizer and stared at it. He’d just eaten baked chicken, green beans and a salad. He’d even had a piece of cake for dessert. So why the hell was he still hungry? Maybe coffee would be enough? But it was late. He didn’t want to stay up all night.

Jim picked up a card and slipped it in. Another piece of cake came out. He retrieved and then put in another two times, taking out two more slices of cake. He sat down at his desk and consumed all three pieces. His stomach rumbled at all the sugar, but he ignored it. He wanted another one but forced himself to rise from his desk and go to his bed instead.

“Computer, lights off.”


	3. No Tenderness

Perhaps it was a good thing to be alone when one woke up from a nightmare like that, Jim reflected. He put his hand on his chest, heaving great gasps of pained lungful’s of air. Sweat beaded on his forehead and he wiped it with the back of his forearm.

Yes. Being alone in bed had its advantages. No explaining when waking up screaming. No one to hog too much of the bed. Or to take the covers. There would be no one to see drool coming out of the corner of the mouth. Jim’s bad breath was only offensive to him.

He got up from bed, unable to return to sleep after dreaming about his own death. Again. The dreams were less frequent than when he first got out of the hospital, but they still crept up on him on occasion to remind him, Jim supposed, he was very much mortal. And human.

That dreaded thing Spock held in such disdain.

There was something-or rather someone-he did not need to think about.

He padded barefoot into his bathroom to pee. There was a big improvement they made when they rebuilt the Enterprise after Khan. He had his own private bathroom now that he didn’t have to share with his first officer and that being a plus was even more brought home in the last couple of days. He could safely cry in the shower without nosey Vulcans.

Not that he did cry in the shower or anything. He did not. No.

He finished peeing, washed his hands and then came back into his room to dress.

Dreams were funny things. They could be real, like the actual event, or completely out there. This last one, he died, yeah, but he never got a chance to save the Enterprise and her crew, because Khan had killed him on Marcus’ ship. After first making him watch the Enterprise blow up.

Fuck, it had been bad.

He knew rationally that all of that hadn’t happened. But it still rocked him. And he couldn’t stand to be stuck in his quarters alone. Jim exited his quarters and made his way to the turbolift. He could either scare the crap out of the bridge crew by showing up unannounced—which he’d done before and was always kind of cool for a chuckle—or he could leave them to it and find peace of a sort on the observation deck.

But to Jim’s surprise, he was not alone.

“Lieutenant?”

Uhura turned at his approach, surprise in her eyes. She had her arms folded in front of her and she looked very tired.

“Captain, I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Sorry. Didn’t know anyone else was here.”

“Trouble sleeping?” she asked, softly, studying his face.

“Nightmare.”

“Yeah? You have a lot? ”

“Sometimes. Dying I guess does that to a person.” Dying and so many other reasons Jim would not get into with anyone. Dying dreams were safer than others.

“I never really thought about that.”

He forced a smile. “Who would? And you? What brings you here?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I have trouble sometimes. I guess you could call it insomnia.” Uhura sighed. “It’s why I sometimes hear weird transmissions in the middle of the night. Mostly before if I had trouble, I’d seek out Spock. He didn’t usually mind being disturbed because as he would say, they need less sleep than humans.”

Jim ignored the pain that seared his chest for just a moment at the reminder she’d had a close relationship with Spock he had not been allowed to have. Would never be allowed to have.

“And now?” he asked.

“Well, that’s no longer an option, is it?” She bit her lip and glanced at him. “I’m actually sort of surprised you’re not with him?”

Jim laughed at that. If it sounded bitter, who cared? “Me? Why would I be with Spock?”

“I thought—well, when you died, he cried. I’ve never seen him like that. And when you were recovering, he was by your side dare I say obsessively.” Uhura shook his head. “I thought maybe he was in love with you.”

“With me? No. He’s made that quite clear. If that’s why you broke up with him, Nyota, you made a mistake.”

“It wasn’t the only reason. But…what? He told you he doesn’t love you?”

“Correct. If you must know, I poured my heart out and he stomped on it. Said I was the farthest thing from an ideal romantic partner he could imagine. I’m a damn promiscuous slut not worthy of his pure Vulcan self.”

Her eyes had widened and now she clutched her heart. “Oh, Jim. I hope I haven’t been the cause of him thinking that.”

“How so?”

Her eyes seemed to well with tears. “I told him how you were at the academy and at the bar that night we met. All the rumors. It was a while ago. I-I don’t even know why I said all that.”

Jim sighed and shook his head. None of that mattered. Spock was smart enough to make up his mind on his own. Whatever Nyota had told him.

“It’s okay, really. I doubt you had anything to do with it. Or if you did, not much.”

“I’m sorry.” And then she was hugging him, trying to offer him comfort and it was too much. Too damn much.

Jim pushed her away. Maybe a little too hard. “Don’t.”

“Jim—”

“I can’t handle tenderness, Nyota. It’s too much. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold myself together? Kindness and hugging and all that. It’s too much. It’s too fucking much. I can’t.”

She nodded. “Okay. You know I think I can understand that.”

“Thanks. I’m-I’m going to go get some coffee or something. See you later, okay?”

“Yes, Captain.”

He made his way to the mess room. It was only occupied by one other person who sat huddled in the corner around a cup of something.

Jim walked past a couple of tables on his way to the synthesizer and then noticed one table where the prior occupants had not cleaned up their mess. There were trays of half-eaten sandwiches and bowls of fruit, barely touched.

Jim clenched his fists as he stared at them. Didn’t they know? Didn’t they know what it was like to be so hungry your stomach felt like it was gnawing on itself? He grabbed the bowls of fruit and shoved the fruit into his mouth, hardly chewing it, as he swallowed every last bit of what they had left behind.

He glanced at the guy in the corner but he didn’t seem to be paying any attention to Jim. He quickly ate the remains of the sandwiches too. And then he sat down heavily, filled with intense shame and loathing.

What was the matter with him? Who acted like that? Little better than an animal. Swallowing down the bile that rose in his throat, he got his coffee and left quickly.


	4. Friend Blocking

Jim felt like he finally had gotten his eating back under control. He’d had a pretty normal day since coming back from the space station. He’d managed to get to the store there to buy non-perishable food to refill his bag with. If something happened with the food supply, Jim would be set. It gave him a dizzying sense of relief.

He set up the chess set while he waited for Spock to arrive. This would be the first time he would be alone with his first officer since his ill-fated confession. They’d spent a lot of forced time together on the space station, but there were others around and so Jim just acted like the captain he was.

This was a test. He hoped he wouldn’t fail.

He went to the synthesizer and got a cup of coffee. He’d eaten a reasonable dinner of ham steak, potatoes, and a side salad. He was all right.

He’d almost canceled their usual chess night, but that would somehow clue Spock into the fact everything was anything but normal between them. Jim did not want that by any stretch of the imagination.

His door chimed. He didn’t even allow himself a steadying breath before he called out, “Enter.”

Generally, in the past, he had changed out of his uniform to more casual clothes. Sweat pants, a T-shirt. That kind of thing. Spock never did, of course. He always arrived in his uniform, looking none the worse for wear even though he’d probably been dressed that way for hours.

This time, however, Jim had showered and put on a fresh uniform. He would show no vulnerability whatsoever to Spock.

Spock stepped into Jim’s quarters dressed exactly as he always was. Looking as cool as a cucumber, just like he always did. No hair out of place, no expression on his careful Vulcan mask.

Jim should have been an actor, maybe. Because he knew the smile he gave Spock just then was as surely genuine looking as any smile he had ever done. “Hey. Want some tea, Spock?”

“That would be agreeable, Captain. But I can get it.”

Jim let him go over to the synthesizer and get his own tea. It’s not like he had to take care of Spock. He sat down before the chess game.

Spock had just turned around holding his tea when Jim’s door chimed again.

“Enter,” Jim said automatically.

The door opened and in stepped Bones.

“Sorry, I’m late, Jim. Got caught up at the medbay. Ensign Probst burned his finger.”

“Bad?”

“Bad enough.” Bones brushed past a clearly surprised Spock on his way to the synthesizer. “Hello Spock.”

“Doctor.” Spock looked toward Jim. “I was unaware you had an engagement with the doctor.”

Well, he hadn’t actually. Jim had no idea why Bones was there. True, Bones knew he was playing chess with Spock that night. Bones had even told him to cancel. But as to why Bones was there? Jim had no clue.

“Guess Jim forgot to tell you I was joining your little chess game tonight,” Bones said cheerfully. He brushed past Spock again, clutching his coffee.

“You play chess. Doctor?”

“Oh, no. God, no. Boring as hell. I’m just here to watch and hang out.” Bones plopped himself down on the nearby couch.

“Hang out?”

“Yep. With my buddies.” Bones smiled. “Don’t mind me. Just do your thing.”

Jim really wanted to kiss Bones just then. Which, yeah, of course, he didn’t really want to. But, God, he so wanted to.

As Spock sat down, casting a wary eye in Bones’ direction, Jim smiled. For real this time and moved his pawn.

“Jim, who was that admiral you were talking to on the space station? A lady.”

Spock’s gaze rose to Jim and Jim could only imagine what his first officer was thinking. And seriously? Jim didn’t care.

“Admiral Finch. Actually, she and Mom were roommates back in their academy days,” Jim explained. “She’s nice. I hadn’t seen her in years. She has a couple of kids around my age. She was asking about Mom.”

And the funny thing was the stiff line of Spock’s shoulders visibly relaxed. Jim wasn’t even sure why. What did Spock care anyway?

“How many games do you usually win, Jim?” Bones asked, leaning forward on his elbows.

“I don’t know. I don’t really keep track.”

Bones snorted. “I bet the hobgoblin knows.”

“If by hobgoblin, doctor, you are referring to me, the answer is our present win loss count is, the captain has won ten games and lost fifteen.”

“You’ve played twenty-five games?” Bones shook his head. “Better you than me.”

“Bones.”

Bones got up from the couch and hovered over the board. He stuck his finger out toward one of Jim’s pieces. “You should move this one.”

Both of Spock’s eyebrows went up in a definite show of disapproval. “I thought you did not know chess.”

“I never said that. I said it’s boring and I don’t play. I’m not a dummy.”

“Nevertheless, it is not appropriate for you to be giving advice to the captain, your questionable intelligence notwithstanding.”

“Did he just question my intelligence?”

Jim refrained from smiling. “He’s right, Bones. Sit down.”

Bones returned to his seat, grumbling.

He moved his piece just as Bones said and then gave Spock a brilliant smile, “Checkmate.”

“Ah now it’s eleven games to fifteen,” Bones said with a chortle.

“Sorry, Spock,” Jim said apologetically. “Another game?”

“I believe not, Captain. I think I would prefer to play when you are not distracted by the doctor’s presence.”

Jim merely smiled as Spock stood. “Suit yourself. Good night, Spock.”

Spock blinked a little uncertainly at Jim, but with an incline of his head, Spock departed.

Jim turned to face Bones. “What exactly was that?”

Bones gave Jim a ‘who me’ look and pulled out a bottle from a pocket. “Now that the spoilsport is gone, I have a bottle.”

“You were baiting Spock and don’t say you weren’t.”

“What if I was?” Bones asked, shrugging. He stood and went to get glasses next to Jim’s desk. “Spock can suck my…well, anyway.”

Jim smirked as he accepted the glass Bones handed him. He took a sip. “Smooth.”

“Should be. Cost me a bundle down on that space station.”

“Legal?”

“What do you think?”

“I think I don’t want to know.” Jim took another couple of sips during which he was painfully aware Bones continued to watch him. Too closely. “What?”

His friend snorted. “Don’t give me that wide-eyed Iowan look. It’s me, Jim. I know you’re suffering.”

“Bones, I’m hardly the first guy rejected by a potential lover.”

“I don’t care about generalizations. You were not rejected by just a potential lover. You were rejected by Spock. Setting aside how crazy in love you are with that stupid Vulcan, God only knows why, but you have to face that cold bastard every day. It’s not like you got rejected in a bar. He’s right over your damn shoulder.”

“I know,” Jim said softly. “I’ll get through it, Bones.”

“You could transfer him.”

Jim sucked in a pained breath. “No. I can’t do that. No. To never see him again? Jesus, Bones. My heart’s pounding just thinking about it.”

“Okay, easy, easy. Just a thought.”

“A bad one. I can handle this, Bones.” Jim inhaled deeply. “I can handle all of this.”

Bones frowned. “What do you mean?”

“The command, Spock, whatever else is thrown at me. Pike said I wasn’t ready. I don’t want him to be right.”

“He wasn’t. And nobody can take it all, Jim. Give yourself a break.”

Jim shook his head. “I can’t afford to.”

Bones sighed and stood. “Finish that and go to sleep. You’re not sleeping again, are you?”

Jim grimaced. “Nightmares.”

“And no wonder. Death dreams or…”

Jim had told Bones about Frank. About the abuse. The sadism. Jim pushed all that away. Too much thinking on that and he’d be left screaming in the corner, huddling in a pool of his own tears.

“The dying stuff.”

Bones squeezed his shoulder. “You’re here. That’s good. Tell your subconscious to remember that. You want something to help you sleep?”

“Nah, I’m good.” He walked Bones to the door of his room. When Bones was gone, Jim leaned his forehead against it.

No weakness, Jim. No weakness. 


	5. I Can Stay Awake For Days

Jim woke to the sound of medical equipment and for a moment panic set in deep within him as he struggled out of consciousness to discern where he was.

“Captain, you are awake.”

His vision dimmed again before he could get his eyes to work. Sounded like…

“Spock?”

“Yes, Captain.”

His conscious clawed up and out, away from thoughts of other medical monstrosities. Other places too long buried.

He sat up with a gasp.

Spock’s hand went to his chest, easing him down flat on the biobed.

“What happened?” Jim croaked out.

Spock stared down at him, his dark eyes unexpectedly showing an emotion Jim could not analyze. Not in his present state.

“You fell from a cliff while attempting to save Lieutenant Sulu.”

“Fuck. It hurts.”

“I am not surprised. You had several broken bones. Dr. McCoy has healed your breaks and cuts. But likely you are bruised.”

Jim forced himself to focus on something other than the pain. “And Sulu?”

“He is unharmed.” Spock’s jaw clenched ever so slightly at this declaration as though Spock found it annoying Sulu was unharmed.

Jim sucked in a breath.

“You are in pain.”

“It’s not bad,” Jim lied.

“I will get Dr. McCoy. Since you have regained consciousness there is no longer a need for my presence. I will report to the bridge.”

Jim nodded. He just wanted something for the pain, right now.

A moment later Bones appeared, looking down at Jim with concerned eyes. “Welcome back, Jim.”

“Thanks.”

“Spock says you’re in pain.”

“Uh-huh.”

Bones produced a hypospray. “This should ease it.” He pulled aside Jim’s hospital gown and pressed it into Jim’s bare shoulder.

Jim blew out a breath. “Getting better.”

Bones smiled and brushed at Jim’s hair. “I’ll give you a minute.”

“Before?”

“Before I start the lecture.”

Jim winced. “Get it over with.”

“What in the hell were you thinking? You could have just shouted at Sulu to move instead of pushing him out of the way. He would have had plenty of time to move. You could have died.”

Jim’s gaze eased away from Bones’ penetrating gaze. “Maybe that’s what should have happened.”

“What?”

“Jesus, Bones, did you ever think maybe I was meant to fucking die before?”

“Look at me.”

“Bones.”

“Look. At. Me.”

Jim was forced to pay attention to the command in Bones’ voice. He looked back at his friend, who looked furious.

“As long as I’m here you are not meant to die. Do you hear me, James Kirk?”

“Bones—”

“No. You listen. While I draw breath, you will not die. I won’t allow it. Got that?”

Jim couldn’t help the smile that formed on his lips. “I got it.”

“Couple of idiots,” Bones mumbled.

“Me and Sulu?”

“No, you nitwit. You and Spock.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t know what’s going on with you two. He spent every minute in here while you were unconscious. Insisted on coming to the medbay with you when you were beamed aboard. Minute you wake up…zoom, off like a rocket.”

“Probably worried I’d get all emotional on him or something.”

“Jim—”

“Let it go. I have.”

“The hell you have.”

Jim decided a change of topic was in order. “When can I get out of this place?”

Bones scowled. “Are you crazy?” He held up his hands. “Forget I asked. I know you are.”

“I can’t stand being in here. I’ll go looney. I can recover in my quarters.”

“I’m actually in charge of your medical care, you know?”

“You healed my breaks right? And the cuts?”

“Yeah.”

“And you gave me a shot for pain. What else is there?”

“You need rest. And monitoring.”

“Monitor me from my quarters. And it’s quieter in my quarters. You can confine me there or something.” Jim paused. “For a short time.”

“You're staying here overnight.”

“Bones—”

“One night, Jim. And then your quarters for 24 more hours. Final offer.”

“I hate it here.”

“It’s not supposed to be a place you want to stay,” Bones replied. “I’ll give you something to help you sleep through it if you want.”

Jim’s stomach flipped over. Drugs to sleep? Hell, no. He’d been given far too many drugs of that kind he hadn’t wanted as a youth to control him, do things to him. He didn’t need that crap.

“No. I can sleep without them. Thanks, Bones.”

“If you’re sure.”

Jim nodded. “Positive.”

Bones had the lights turned down and then tucked blankets around Jim. “Get some sleep. I’ll release you in the morning.”

****

_“You’re a pretty one, aren’t you?”_

_Long fingers caressed his jaw. Nails barely pushed into his skin there._

_“Oh yes. Delightful. Your eyes…They’re very special. How old are you, boy?”_

_Jim stared at the bearded man who hovered above him. His arms were strapped to the bed. His legs were restrained too. The man had a hard gleam in his eyes._

_“Thirteen,” Jim whispered, hearing the tremble in his voice._

_“So young, so delectable.” The man moved his other hand down Jim’s thigh. “You’re exactly perfect for my needs. What is your name?”_

_“Jim Kirk.”_

_The man grinned. “You will be perfect for my breeding program.”_

_“B-breeding?”_

_“Yes.” The long fingered hand slid up his thigh, between Jim’s legs. “But I think I need to inspect the goods first.”_

Jim sucked in a breath so hard he woke up choking. He sat up immediately, lungs seizing.

“Captain! Jim.”

Wide eyed, Jim looked around the medbay. The lights had come on. Spock was at the side of the biobed, looking rather un-stoic for his usual unflappable first officer.

“Spock?”

“Yes, Captain. Should I get Dr. McCoy?”

Jim shook his head. “No. No. I’m fine. I’m good. Just-just a nightmare.”

“You were crying,” Spock said quietly.

“Well, it was a bad one.” Jim lay back down. “Why are you here, anyway?”

Spock shifted. “Dr. McCoy informed me that he was keeping you another night. I wished to check on your well-being.”

“As you can see I’m just great.”

“You are using sarcasm.”

“No kidding,” Jim muttered.

“If my presence is unwelcome—”

“No.” Jim sighed. “Sorry. I’m just…I don’t know.”

“The nightmare unsettled you.”

Jim laughed without mirth. “You could say that.”

“Would you like to tell me about it?” Spock offered.

Except he didn’t tell _anyone_ about it.

“Probably not.” He forced a smile. “It’s already fading.”

Spock tilted his head. “How do you feel? Are you still experiencing pain?”

“Just a little residual. Nothing I can’t handle.” Jim waved his hand. “Go on and do whatever it is you do when you aren’t on duty. I’ll be fine.”

“Very well, Captain. I assume you intend to attempt more sleep.”

“Yeah, sure. Yeah. That’s it.”

“I will take my leave then.”

When Spock had walked away, Jim sat up again, maneuvering the biobed so that it was angled.

There was a chair situated next to his bed. Weird. Maybe Bones had been in it earlier while checking on him. Jim smiled at his overindulgent friend.

Jim sighed, wishing he had a book to read. He certainly was not going back to sleep.


	6. The Weight of Worlds

 Being confined to his quarters by Bones meant being forced to be alone. It amounted to the same thing. Jim wasn’t about to invite anyone to play with him. He didn’t do that. Not anymore. Once he might have asked Spock to come entertain him, but that was before what Jim liked to refer to as ‘The Big Mistake’. Maybe they’d get past the awkwardness and be epic friends or whatever they were supposed to be, but Jim didn’t really believe that. He just didn’t. He wasn’t that Kirk. And this definitely wasn’t that Spock.

But being alone like this—with even being caught up on the reports he’d had to do—made him seriously live inside his head and that was a very bad place to be.

For a long time, Jim stood in the middle of his quarters staring at his closet. He did not want to open it and remove the bag that was hidden there from all but himself. He clenched his fists.

The door to his quarters was accessed and Jim turned in surprise as Yeoman Janice Rand stepped inside.

The blonde looked as startled as he was. “Oh, I’m sorry, Captain. I didn’t realize you were here and I was coming to take care of your room.”

“I’ve been confined to my quarters,” Jim explained. He felt weird, really, because though he was fully clothed, he wore sweatpants and a T-shirt, not his uniform. It seemed a little too casual and if Jim was willing to admit it, she was a little too pretty.

“I’m sorry.” She was blushing.

He forced a smile. “It’s all right. No harm done.” Not yet anyway. But he was lonely and probably a little stupid right now. “Why don’t you sit and talk to me?”

Rand blinked and stared at him. “Captain?”

“Uh. You know. Tell me about your family or whatever. It’s kind of boring in here.”

“Oh.” She smiled and nodded. “Of course.” She set a bag she had brought with her on the floor by the door and walked over to Jim’s sofa. She was about to sit down, when she turned to him. “Can I get you coffee or tea or something, sir?”

“I’ll get it. You want anything, Yeoman?”

“Cranberry juice?”

Jim smiled. “Coming right up.” He obtained coffee for himself and the juice for her and then joined her on the couch. A bad idea if ever he had one, but he was that pathetic he guessed. He could not—would not—make a move on her. He wasn’t that much of an unprofessional loser no matter what certain Vulcans might think.

For the next hour he listened to Rand tell him all the details of her family and life. He asked the right questions at the right time to satisfy her, but deep inside himself he was dying a little. He didn’t belong here, cooped up in his quarters, fading away from a broken heart. It was at times like this he decided that Pike had been right and he really hadn’t been ready. And he wondered if he ever really would be.

Yeoman Rand stood. “I really do have to get back to work. I’ll come by when you’re gone, Captain, to take care of your room. Time to change your sheets.”

“Okay.” He fought the urge to walk her to the door like it was a date and instead waited for the door to close behind her before walking over to his closet.

The door of the closet was open before he even thought about it and he was reaching into it for the bag. It had been pushed far to the back, so he ended up stretched out over the other belongings in the closet so he could reach it. His butt was in the air, his shirt inched up near his armpits as he leaned in.

“Captain.”

Jim scrambled up out of the position he was in so fast he hit his head on the closet door and landed on the floor on his ass. He squinted up at Spock, who stood there, staring down at him, hands clenched behind his back.

“Fuck.” He rubbed his head.

“Do you require medical attention?”

“No.” Jim scowled. “Don’t fucking sneak up on me like that.”

“My apologies. I saw Yeoman Rand leave your quarters a moment ago so I determined you were awake and receiving visitors.”

He sighed regretfully as he realized he wasn’t going to be able to get to his stash while Spock was there. He struggled to his feet, even as he realized Spock was reaching out to assist him. “No, thanks. I can manage.”

“You were recently injured. Perhaps you should be more careful in your activities.”

_Perhaps you should go soak your Vulcan face in the toilet._

Jim forced a conciliatory smile. “Perhaps you’re right. Was there something you wanted, Commander?”

Spock visibly stiffened at Jim’s use of his title. “I came for a welfare check.”

“Ah. Okay. Other than a headache I now have after hitting my head and an ass ache after landing on it, I’m good.”

Spock nodded. “I was surprised to see Yeoman Rand leave your quarters.”

Jim shrugged. “She had other things to do.”

“I meant it is not usual for her to be here while you are.”

“Oh. Right. Yeah. Inappropriate. Regulation  895643 or whatever.” Jim waved his hand wearily. “We just talked. Not that I have to explain my interactions with the crew to you, of course.”

Spock stiffened. “Of course.”

He rubbed his temples. “Look, I’m sorry—”

Spock took a step forward. “Your head pains you.”

“Yeah, I told you. I hit it.”

Spock’s hands rose toward Jim’s forehead. “There are pain relieving methods—”

Jim shook his head. “No.” Jim moved away from Spock’s questing fingers. The last thing he needed was some telepath touching his skin and realizing just how far his depraved feelings for said telepath went. “I’m fine. I’ll call Bones for something.” He wouldn’t of course. No.

“If you are certain.” Spock was the one who looked very _uncertain_. Out of his element and rather awkward. Which was not Spock at all, usually.

Jim forced another smile. His fucking jaw was starting to hurt from the effort. “I’m very sure.” He yawned. “And I’m ready for a nap.”

“Captain—Jim—I…”

“Yeah?”

Spock’s expression closed off abruptly. His hands went back behind his back. “I am glad that you are recovering from your injuries. I apologize for having bothered you.”

“It was no bother. And thank you for your concern.”

God, they sounded stiff. Like strangers. It fucking hurt. And it was all his fault. All his fault. Never should have told Spock. What an idiot.

Spock nodded. “Good afternoon, Captain.”

“See you, Spock.” This time he did walk Spock to the door and after it closed, Jim blocked further surprise entries with his captain’s code.

He went back to the closet and pulled out his bag and took it to the couch. Only minutes later he had consumed the rest of the cookies he’d acquired. He pulled out a bag of potato-like chips he’d bought at the space station and ate those too.

Jim closed his eyes as tears sprung to his eyes. It didn’t fill him. None of it. 


	7. It Thrives in the Dark

“Are you just going to leave that?” Jim asked abruptly, interrupting the Andorian ambassador, Shran, in the middle of his story to Spock.

They’d picked up the ambassador the day before for a diplomatic conference he needed to be at. Bones had asked Jim when they had become a travel ship and Jim hadn’t been able to provide an answer other than ‘Starfleet Orders’.

Jim had pretty much disliked Shran on sight for several reasons. Probably the number one reason had been his blatant flirting with Spock. Which Spock didn’t actually discourage. But there was also the way he spoke to the female members of Jim’s crew. And the fact that this being the second meal in the mess room he’d had to endure with Shran where Shran had left his large plate of food mostly untouched. It was incredibly wasteful. Finally, he just got bad vibes from the ambassador. None of this could be relayed to his first officer who would have declared Jim highly illogical at the very mention of any of it.

Shran barely spared a glance for his untouched chicken salad before continuing to tell some wild, pointless story to Spock, who seemed, as far as Jim could tell, fascinated.

Jim removed the bowl of salad from in front of the ambassador and stabbed his fork into it. He’d already had his own plate of food, which he’d finished, of course. But if there was one thing Tarsus IV had taught him, food should never be wasted. He shuddered inwardly at the reminder of that dreadful place.

“Well,” Shran announced. “I think I shall retire for the night.” He stood and so did Spock, but Jim remained where he was. “Captain, Commander.”

“Ambassador,” Spock said politely. When Shran had left, Spock sat down once more. It was only the two of them now.

Jim pushed the now empty salad bowl away, noticing that Spock’s eyes briefly flicked to the bowl, before returning to Jim’s face. Spock didn’t even try to hide his disapproval.

“You were quire rude to the ambassador.”

“He’s an arrogant jerk.”

“Nevertheless he is a diplomat we are charged with transporting to his destination as representatives of Starfleet. It shows poor judgment for you as captain to so openly show your disdain of him.”

The sharp words bit deep, no doubt about it. But Jim had long ago steeled himself to ‘Starfleet Spock’ as Jim thought of the one who quoted endless regulations at him and seemed to feel he was the worst captain in the ‘fleet. As opposed to ‘Regular Spock’ who was Jim’s friend and First Officer and the one Jim had fallen in love with. ‘Starfleet Spock’ came out much less frequently these days but he still made an occasional appearance.

“You know what? I really don’t care,” Jim replied. “Let him complain to Starfleet about me. And you can file a report if you need to, also.”

Spock’s jaw tightened. “I am not going to file a report. I have not filed any reports about your actions without your express knowledge since the Nibiru incident.”

“Then what’s your point?”

“It is my duty as your first officer to point out when you are behaving unprofessionally.”

“I’m not the one hanging on his every word like some lovesick Vulcan.”

Spock opened his mouth, then closed it. “This conversation is at an end. _Captain_.”

Jim waved his hand in dismissal as Spock rose from his seat and with his back ramrod straight headed out of the mess.

He sighed and rubbed his temples. He had to stop antagonizing Spock. He was being an idiot. It wasn’t Spock’s fault he didn’t love Jim. Sure, it _was_ Spock’s fault he basically called Jim an unworthy, dirty tramp slut or whatever. But it all amounted to Jim loved Spock, Spock did not love Jim. Easy peasy.

Jim got up from the table and left the mess, making his way to the floor with his quarters. He’d been about to remove his uniform shirts when the ship suddenly wailed the yellow alert.

Frowning, he went to his comm. “Kirk here.”

“Security, sir,” Giotto replied immediately. “There’s been an assault on personnel Deck Six , Captain. I think you’d better come.”

“On my way.”

Jim hurried to the turbolift just as Spock stepped inside. He glanced at his first officer. “You heard?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Do you know what happened?”

“I have only been told that a sexual assault took place.”

“Damn,” Jim swore, then nodded.

The lift opened on Deck Six. Giotto was waiting for them. He took them aside away from the rest of the security detail hovering near a crewmember’s quarters.

“Ensign Rogers reports she was raped, Captain.”

Jim’s stomach turned queasy. “Does she know who her attacker was?”

Giotto hesitated, then nodded. “The Andorian Ambassador, Shran.”

“Son of a bitch.”

“We have him detained, sir, but you should know that Shran is claiming the sex was consensual.”

Jim nodded and stalked down the corridor, Spock and Giotto at his heels. Ensign Rogers' door was opened and she was sitting on the bed, crying. She had scratches and defense wounds all over her. Jim filled with rage but he kept it off his face as he went into her room and knelt in front of her.

“Captain,” she said, her voice quivering.

“Kasey, it’s going to be all right. Right now, I want you to go to the medbay,” he said gently. “He’s not going to get away with this.”

“You-you believe me?”

“Of course I do.” He stood and reached for her hand, which she put in his. He turned to a female security guard. “Jenkins, escort Ensign Rogers to the medbay, please.”

“Yes, sir.”

Ensign Rogers went with the guard and Jim turned to Giotto. “Where is the bastard?”

“Captain,” Spock said cautiously.

Jim ignored him.

“This way, Captain,” Giotto replied, leading Jim further down a corridor.

Shran stood with four security officers. He looked completely nonchalant, like none of this was any big thing.

“Captain Kirk,” Shran said as Jim approached. “I assure you that girl is lying. We had consensual rough sex. It is her word against mine and I am a highly respected ambassador who—”

Jim punched him, knocking him down to the floor. As he reached down to pick Shran up by his collar, he noticed the guards had stepped back in surprise.

“Kirk, this is—”

Jim slammed his fist into Shran’s face. And then again.

“Captain!” Spock’s voice.

Jim dropped the crumbled Shran to the floor. “Put him in the brig.”

He turned and went down the corridor aware of Spock following at his heels. There was a conference room at the end, so he opened the door and went inside, clenching his fists. He was still filled with a sort of blood lust.

“Captain, you cannot—”

Jim turned on Spock, who had, of course, followed him inside. “Have you ever been raped, Spock?”

Spock flinched. “No.”

“Well, I have,” Jim said, his voice cracking.

Spock lost a shade of color. “Jim, I—I did not know.”

“More than once. You have-you have no idea what it can do. That girl was raped by him. I saw it in her eyes because I’ve seen it in mine. And I don’t give a fuck what Starfleet does to me over this.” Jim turned away, unable to view the pity he spotted in Spock’s eyes. “She didn’t ask for that. I-I didn’t ask for that. No matter what you think of me. I didn’t.”

Spock sucked in a breath. “I would never think that.”

Jim got it under control and turned back to face him. “Sometimes I don’t know what you think. I feel like I have no clue who you are, Spock. And you certainly don’t know me. You judge me like you do, but you really have no clue.”

“I do not try to judge you.”

He shook his head. “Could have fooled me. I’m not who you think I am or what you think I am. Do you know when I last had sex? You probably had it more recently than I did. But whatever. None of this even matters. It’s not about me. This is about Ensign Rogers and that fucking prick.”

Jim made to pass by Spock and to the door when Spock grabbed his hand, his fingers sliding down to Jim’s wrist. Jim got flashes of his own memories—like a horrific slideshow of Frank and the men on Tarsus IV—they were there and gone in seconds. Spock dropped Jim’s wrist like it had scorched him.

Jim’s gaze rose to Spock’s and he was drowning in Vulcan shock and dismay. He felt himself tremble.

“Don’t-don’t touch me again,” Jim said softly, feeling more exposed than he had for many years. He stormed out of the conference room, fighting the urge to retch.


	8. I Break Down

Jim found himself at the medbay, though he couldn’t really recall heading there. He was so deep in his head he just was on autopilot.   

For a moment he just stood there, staring at the closed doors. He could just turn and walk away. Just go to his quarters or to the observation desk or the bridge or just…anywhere.

He hardened himself as best he could and stepped close enough for the doors to slide open. Bones was standing near a biobed taking a crewmember’s vitals. He glanced in Jim’s direction and nodded.

Jim stepped to the side to wait for Bones, who came over a few minutes later. “How is Ensign Rogers?”

“Christine is in with her now.” Bones shook his head. “She’s as well as she can be under the circumstances.”

“Yeah.”

Bones grabbed Jim’s arm. “Come with me.” Bones took Jim into his office and closed the door. “You look terrible.”

Jim crossed his arms, clutching his elbows. “I’m not doing well.”

“I can see that a mile away. Talk to me.”

“I don’t know if I can tell you or anyone. I’m barely holding it together.”

Bones eyed him intently. “I heard about what you did with Shran.”

“I don’t need a lecture right now, Bones.”

“Lecture? I was going to tell you I’d have done the same thing. Bastard. Fuckers like that think their diplomatic immunity gets them away with anything.”

Jim let out a steadying breath. “I’m captain. I can’t react like that. I know that. It’s just…my damn crew. They’re supposed to be safe here. They’re supposed to trust me.”

“They do.”

“Not when I allow pigs like that to exist. I was just so angry.”

“And you thought of Frank,” Bones said softly.

Jim closed his eyes and turned away. “I should never have told you about him. Fucking alcohol.”

“You needed to tell someone, Jim. You can’t keep all this inside. I want to kill that bastard.”

Jim licked his lips. “Someone already took care of that.”

Bones stepped closer. “Jesus, you’re shaking.” Bones placed his hands on Jim’s arms and turned him back around to face him.

“Don’t,” Jim said desperately. “I can’t fall apart.”

“Yeah, you can. With me, you can. I’m here to catch you.”

Jim felt his eyes filling with tears and he tried to blink them away. “Spock.”

“What did he do?” Bones asked sharply.

“He touched me.”

“Touched you? I’ll murder him.”

Jim shook his head. “Not like that. Not like anything. He-he grabbed my wrist. I think to stop me from walking out. Everything-everything was on the surface and he—”

“He what?”

“He was in my head, Bones. I don’t know how. He saw my memories, my thoughts.” He closed his eyes. “It felt so…raw. It was like my mind was his. It was—”

“Mind rape, is what it was,” Bones said harshly.

Jim’s eyes flew open in surprise. “I don’t think it was deliberate.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure.”

“Bones,” Jim whispered.

“I don’t like him around you, Jim. Not after. After.” Bones sighed, shook his head. He pulled Jim close and wrapped his arms around him. “Come here.”

Jim’s breath hitched as he allowed his friend to hug him. “He saw stuff I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want _anyone_ to know.”

“I know,” Bones said. He pushed Jim’s head down onto his shoulder. “You lock yourself up so tight it’s a wonder anyone can crack you.”

“You get in.”

“Even I can’t get past all your locks. You’re still shaking like a leaf. You want some bourbon?”

“Not tonight. Can’t handle that.”

“Tea then?” Bones offered.

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

Bones pulled back and offered Jim his gentle smile. He got that smile from Bones whenever he was trying to be careful with Jim. Or was especially concerned. “Be right back. You sit there.” He pointed to a chair and so Jim sat.

Bones left his office and Jim buried his face in his hands.

The door to Bones office opened again and he thrust a cup of tea into Jim’s hands.

Jim wrapped his hands around the cup like it was a lifeline. He took a sip of the steaming liquid.

“I’m putting you off duty,” Bones said after a few moments of studying Jim.

“Bones, I can handle it.”

His friend nodded. “I’m sure you can. I’m still putting you off. Twenty-four hours only. Well, for now. I’ll reevaluate then.”

“I have to talk to Starfleet command about Shran.”

“Yeah, I know you have to deal with that. Anything else you let the hobgoblin deal with it. And if he doesn’t like it, he can stuff it up his—”

“Bones.”

“Well, anyway. I want you to stay here overnight.”

“The medbay?” Jim asked, eyes wide.

“I don’t want anyone bothering you in your quarters.”

“I know, but not the medbay. Jesus. How about your quarters?” Jim knew he sounded a little desperate. But there was no way he was going to get any sleep here.

“All right. My quarters then. Just don’t mess anything up.”

Jim managed a smile. “I won’t.” He stood up and with a shaking hand put the cup down on Bones’ desk. He hoped Bones wouldn’t mention the shakes again.

Bones hugged him again, it was briefer this time, though. “You’ll be okay. Right?”

Jim nodded. “I’ll be okay.”

****

Spock tried Jim’s quarters four times with no response. When he had the computer locate Captain Kirk, he was notified that Kirk was in the medbay.

He made his way there only to find there was no sign of Jim.

McCoy, however, stepped away from one of his patients and immediately scowled in Spock’s direction.

“What do you want?”

“My intentions are twofold. First to ascertain the welfare of Ensign Rogers.”

McCoy relaxed slightly. “She’s resting.”

Spock nodded. “And to locate the captain.”

McCoy tensed immediately, his scowl returning. “He’s not up for visitors.”

“He is unwell?”

“You could say that. I have him off duty.”

“For how long?”

“Twenty-four.”

“He is here?” Spock asked, glancing around. He had not seen Jim but perhaps McCoy had him hidden.

“Not anymore. I sent him off to rest in my quarters.”

“ _Your_ quarters?”

“He didn’t want to rest here. And I don’t want him bothered in his. By _anyone_.”

“Doctor—”

“He’s had enough for today, Spock. I’m not using my quarters right now anyway. I’m asking you as the other person he’s closest to, as his friend. Leave him alone for now. All right?”

Spock wanted to defy the doctor and see Jim immediately. He had a lot to say. A lot to…apologize for. But it would have to wait. He forced himself to nod.

“Very well.”


	9. Then I Fall Apart

Spock was breathing heavily by the time he reached his own quarters from the medbay. He pressed in the code and the door opened. He barely made it inside before he dropped to his knees.

_Pain. Agony. Sorrow. Despair. Shame._

He could not breathe from such intensity.

They did not come from him, these horrendous emotions. They came from Jim.

He gasped.

_Gnawing hunger that could not be filled. Rage. Violation. Desire to be numb._

Shut it down. He must.

Spock lay down and balled himself up on the floor of his quarters. He was vaguely aware that his face was wet.

“Jim,” he croaked out.

He tried desperately to block it out, block Jim out, but no matter what he tried, Spock could not. No amount of meditation…no amount of willpower…stopped Jim’s thoughts and memories from crashing in on Spock.

It could not be and yet it was. There was no other explanation for what Spock was experiencing.

He had—he had hurt his t’hy’la. And Spock now knew that he was in a long line of those that had hurt Jim.

For a moment his own shame and guilt managed to almost block out the emotions flying off of Jim. There was no excuse for his behavior. No excuse for the way he had treated Jim.

And he had been wrong, so wrong. Unbearably, agonizingly wrong.

Unbidden images of Jim being sexually assaulted as only a child entered his mind and Spock cried out.

 _No_.

Spock could not stand this. Could not stand Jim being forced to remember this. Experience this. He should have gone to Jim. Should have. No matter what the doctor said.

He was suddenly sobbing, great heaving sobs. His chest hurt as though his heart beat there. And Spock knew once more it came from Jim.

It was too much. Too much.

Spock lost consciousness.

****

Leonard returned to his quarters and found Jim pacing his room instead of sleeping. Jim’s face was contorted with so many mixed emotions Leonard could not read them.

“Jim? You’re supposed to be asleep.” He glanced at the empty plates on his desk, at least ten. And he didn't bother to count the empty mugs. “How much coffee did you have?”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Leonard blinked. Anxiety and concern filled him as he grabbed Jim’s arms to stop his pacing. “You shouldn’t be here. You should be back in the medbay. What the hell was I thinking?”

Jim merely stared at him, blue eyes wide, pupils blown wide.

“Jim, you’re scaring me. Are you having a breakdown?”

Jim looked away from Leonard toward the synthesizer. “I need. I need. Please. Please.”

Leonard shook him gently. “Jim? Snap out of it. Jim, do you know where you are?”

Jim clenched his eyes shut. “Leave me alone. Please. Please. I can’t.”

Leonard eased him over to the bed and gently pushed him down. “Go on there, Jim. It’s going to be okay. Lay down. There, like that.”

He went to his medical bag that he kept there in his quarters and chose a hypospray that had a pretty powerful sedative. Jim was now lying on his back on Leonard’s bed. He had reopened his eyes and they were more focused than a moment ago.

“Jim, you with me?”

“Bones,” Jim whispered.

Leonard allowed himself to feel a small amount of relief. “Yes, it’s me.” He stroked Jim’s hair. “How do you feel?”

“Agitated.”

“It’s no wonder. What’s all that on my desk, Jim? What did you eat and drink?”

Jim shook his head. “Just some stuff. I was hungry.”

“Okay,” Leonard said soothingly. “It’s all right.” He decided not to tell Jim he was giving him a sedative because sometimes Jim got weird about that stuff. “Want to talk to me?”

“It doesn’t help. It’s never helped,” came Jim’s soft answer.

Leonard studied him. Jim looked so gaunt, so—“You look wrecked.”

“It’s been a really bad day, Bones.”

“Yes. For all of us. Did you talk to the admiralty about Shran?”

Jim’s jaw tightened. “Yes.”

“Bad?”

“They want us to drop him off at the nearest space station. They’ll handle it from there.”

“You don’t seem pleased.”

“Because they aren’t going to do a damn thing about him,” Jim said angrily. “They were so fucking condescending. _‘It’s not a matter you need concern yourself with anymore, Captain.’_ That’s what they said, Bones.”

“Damn.”

“They were practically smiling. A member of my crew was raped by him and they aren’t going to do a fucking thing about it. Sometimes, Bones—”

“I know, Jim.”

“No you don’t. You really don’t.” Tears welled in Jim’s eyes.

“Hey, hey now.” Leonard was worried. He’d never seen Jim so vulnerable. He hated showing weakness even to Leonard. He distracted Jim for a moment and then gently pushed the hypo into Jim’s neck. Jim went to sleep immediately.

Leonard stood and went to the computer on his desk. He accessed the records for his own synthesizer. In the last hour Jim had consumed three plates of pasta, three sandwiches, three slices of pie and a slice of cheesecake. He’d drank nine cups of coffee.

Shocked, Leonard ran a tricorder over his sleeping friend. His heart rate was going way too fast, He went to his bag and found the hypo he needed and injected Jim with that too.

He went back to his computer and attempted to access Jim’s medical history before he joined Starfleet. It was blocked as classified.

His door chimed.

Leonard went to it and allowed it to open to reveal Spock. Before Leonard could react Spock had brushed past him and into Leonard’s quarters.

“He’s sleeping,” Leonard said. He looked at Spock closely. “What’s wrong with you?”

Spock shook himself. He glanced toward the plates Leonard hadn’t cleaned up. “Was there a party?”

“No. Those were all Jim.”

“What?”

Leonard frowned. “I don’t know. He’s—” He blew out a breath. “I was trying to find some stuff out about him just now. He doesn’t even tell me stuff. But it’s all classified. I can’t get into it.”

Spock nodded slowly. “The captain was on Tarsus IV.”

Leonard’s heart seemed to drop into his stomach. “What? How do you know that?”

“I saw it.”

Leonard stepped toward Spock, angry now. “He told me you did some Vulcan voodoo on his mind, accessed his memories. Listen you hobgoblin—”

“I assure you it was unintentional, doctor. However, I cannot un-see what I have seen.”

“Bad was it?”

Spock swallowed heavily. “Beyond imagining.” He took a step toward Jim.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?” Leonard demanded.

But all Spock did was rub the back of his hand along Jim’s pale cheek. “I do not believe he should be alone right now. You will stay with him?”

“Of course I will,” Leonard said pointedly. “I’m always there for him. He can count on me.”

Spock stiffened and straightened from leaning over Jim. “As you say. I will check with you later.”

And Spock left Leonard’s quarters and he was left once more wondering what he could do to help his best friend.  


	10. I Can Dance and Play the Part

Jim woke feeling groggy as hell which instantly alerted him to the fact his best friend had clearly sedated him. He frowned and sat up. He was still in said best friend’s bed. Bones, himself, was snoring softly from a nearby chair, covered loosely in a blanket. One of those scratchy regulation blankets, of course.

He stood and quietly made his way into the bathroom to pee. When he returned, Bones was still asleep.

Jim’s communicator beeped. He flipped it open. “”Kirk here.”

“Giotto, Captain. You’d better get down here.”

“On my way.”

Bones stirred as he closed and pocketed his communicator. “Jim?”

“Yeah, Bones.”

Bones rubbed his eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Don’t know yet.” He took out his communicator again and flipped it open. “Kirk to Spock.”

“Spock here.”

“Meet me at the brig. Kirk out.”

Bones stood. “The brig?”

“Yeah. You coming too?”

His friend sighed. “I wanted you off for a little longer.”

“Duty calls.”

Bones nodded. “You okay, Jim?”

“A little groggy, thanks to you. What did you give me, doc?”

Bones smiled a little. “A sedative. And something to bring your vitals back in order. You know you drank nine cups of coffee?”

Jim shrugged. “Did I? I don’t really remember.’

“Sure.”

They exited Bones’ quarters and headed for the turbolift.

“You’re going to have to talk to me eventually, Jim.”

“I’m talking to you now,” Jim said evasively.

“You know what I mean.”

“Just drop it, Bones.”

“It’s not that easy.”

Jim smiled. “Sure it is.”

The turbolift doors opened and Jim stepped out and down the corridor to where Giotto waited. Spock was already there.

Giotto looked a little pale.

“What’s going on, Commander?”

Giotto led them to a cell. There lay Shran, lying in a pool of blood, very clearly beyond anyone’s justice. Other than whoever killed him.

Jim’s own blood went cold. “What the hell? How did this happen?”

“We found him like this, Captain,” Giotto said.

“Found him? Why wasn’t there a guard on duty?”

“He stepped away for a few minutes, Captain.”

“To where?” This from Spock.

Giotto cleared his throat. “He had an assignation with another crew member. He estimates he was gone about twenty minutes, sir.”

“Fuck,” Jim said under his breath. “I have to notify Starfleet command.”

“I take full responsibility, Captain.” Giotto stepped forward. “I accept whatever reprimands you or command intends.”

Bones had gone into the cell to examine the Andorian ambassador. He came out of the cell now. “Definitely dead. Throat slit, Jim.”

“Security surveillance should show what happened, Commander. Let me know immediately.”

“Yes, sir.”

Jim pinched his nose as he walked away followed by Bones and Spock. “I’m not at all sorry the bastard’s dead, but this is a headache I didn’t need. They’re going to go nuts over this. Not to mention the Andorians.”

“If you would like, I will make the report to command, Captain,” Spock offered.

Jim glanced at his first officer. “Thanks, Spock. But I should do it. You may as well be there though, in case they relieve me of command.”

“Jim—”

“It’s a joke, Bones. Or at least I think it is.” He smiled wryly.

“I can’t believe someone would go into that cell and kill that bastard in cold blood,” Bones said with a shake of his head.

“I can. I wanted to do it myself.”

“But who?”

“I have my suspicions,” Jim admitted.

“Captain?”

“I’d rather not say, Spock, until I hear from Giotto. Conference room two?”

“Yes, Captain.”

****

Spock kept looking at him, but Jim pretended not to notice as he had Uhura contact Admiral Nogura. It took a few minutes before Nogura appeared and most of that time neither Jim nor Spock spoke. He could feel the overwhelming tension in the conference room between them. It had shifted from the awkwardness of Spock’s rejection of him to something much more potent and painful.

“Kirk,” Nogura greeted him.

“Admiral, you remember my first officer, Spock.”

“Yes. Good to see you, Commander.”

“And you Admiral.”

“I’ll cut to right to it,” Jim said. “Ambassador Shran is dead. Murdered in his cell.”

Nogura blinked and stared at Jim silently for at least a minute. Jim tried not to shift uncomfortably under the stare. “I see. Where were you during this incident, Captain?”

“Under medical care at the time, Admiral.”

“And Commander Spock?”

“The bridge, sir,” Spock replied.

“Medical care, Captain?”

“Sir.” Jim nodded. “You can check with my CMO.”

“And the culprit?”

“We’re investigating, Admiral.”

“Am I to believe someone who was most recently accused of the rape of your crew member mysteriously ended up murdered in his cell and you had no part in it?” Nogura demanded.

“Yes, sir. But I take full responsibility for the actions of my crew.”

“I want a full report, with the details, and the murderer brought to the space station for a full trial, Captain. I don’t need to tell you the Andorians will not be pleased.”

“I would think they wouldn’t be pleased to have a rapist for an ambassador, sir,” Jim said coolly.

Nogura narrowed his eyes. “Watch yourself, Kirk. You have insubordinate tendencies.” The screen went blank.

“That went well.” Jim shook his head. “Actually better than I thought.”

Spock hesitated and then said, “I would really like to know who you suspect killed the ambassador?”

“Ensign Rogers has a boyfriend, Spock. Right here on the ship. Lieutenant Masters.” Jim shrugged. “I know what I’d do if someone I loved was raped and I suspected Command wasn’t going to do a damn thing about it. It sucks. Masters is a good officer. This whole situation should never have happened.”

“We cannot refuse to transport dignitaries, Captain.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jim stood, stretched a little. “I’m going back to see Giotto. Report to the bridge.”

He made it to the conference room door.

“Captain? Jim?”

Spock calling him Jim probably didn’t bode well. He forced himself to turn around. He didn’t know what he expected to see but the softness in those dark brown eyes had not been it.

“There is—I do not know what to say.”

“About?”

“It was not my intention to violate your trust by accessing your memories. When I touched you—”

“Yeah, I know it wasn’t on purpose, Mr. Spock. I guess I’m more of an open book than I thought I was,” Jim tried a smile, knew he failed. “I’m all for pretending it didn’t happen.”

“I am not sure I can do that.”

“Try,” Jim said in a little harder of a voice than he intended.

Spock visibly swallowed. “I apologize.”

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

“That you were hurt in that matter—those men—” Spock shook himself. “Are they alive the ones who hurt you?”

He felt a fire in the pit of his stomach. His chest ached, but he didn’t give in to the urge to rub it. “Some…I don’t know. My stepfather…no.”

He hoped Spock would drop it now. He should have known better.

“What happened to him?”

“My brother.”

“I do not understand.”

Jim huffed out a breath. “Yeah, I think you do.” He didn’t wait for Spock to say anything and exited the conference room. 

 


	11. Knives in My Heart

Jim stopped next to Giotto, who stood just inside the brig entrance. As he’d made his way to the brig, Giotto had alerted Jim to his findings and the arrest.

“This is going to devastate her.”

Giotto nodded. “Aye, sir.”

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. “You just…you never know what you’re going to face out here.”

“That’s true, sir.” Giotto straightened. “I’m ready to face my reprimand, Captain.”

Jim shook his head. “Which cell have you got him in?”

“Three, Captain.”

Jim patted Giotto’s arm. “At ease, Commander.”

He made to move toward the cells.

“A guard should accompany you, sir.”

“He’s not going to hurt me.”

“Captain—”

“It’s okay, Commander. I’ll call if I need you.”

Jim accessed the cell and walked over to where Lieutenant Masters sat. He had his head buried in his hands. He didn’t look up, even when Jim sat next to him.

“How are you doing, Donald?”

Masters lifted his hands away from his face. His eyes were wet. “Pretty terrible, Captain.”

“Why’d you do it?”

He looked angry for a second, then looked away from Jim. “You know why. Kasey and I both knew what was going to happen to the ambassador. Nothing. He was going to get away with it, Captain. Can you deny that?”

“No,” Jim said honestly.

Masters looked at him in surprise. Probably expected Jim to give him the Starfleet speech. “Well, then.”

“They have all the evidence they need to convict you, court-martial you, and send you away for a long time, Donald. You had to know there was surveillance.”

“Yeah. I didn’t…I was going to kill myself, sir. I didn’t expect to ever face trial.”

“And what would that do to Kasey? How do you think she’d feel about that?” Jim asked.

“What do you know about it? Any of it.”

“More than you might think.”

Masters gaped at him. “Sir?”

Jim sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Revenge is not the answer, Donald. I’ve learned that the hard way. There’s no justice in it. I once made a speech about awakening the evil within ourselves when seeking revenge.”

“I heard it. I was there.”

“And neither is suicide,” Jim said softly. “I get it. I do. I’ve been down that road of thought. I’ve tried a few things. All it does is leave you feeling emptier than ever and it destroys those that care about you.”

“I can’t take back what I did. And I’m not sorry that bastard is dead.”

“Vigilantism wasn’t the answer.”

“And what was the answer, Captain? Letting him live so he could rape other women? Letting him live so Kasey would know she was never going to get justice?”

“I don’t know, Donald. But I don’t think your going to prison for the rest of your life for murder would have been Kasey’s choice of justice.”

Jim stood. He couldn’t even form a smile if he wanted to and this was no smiling matter anyway. “When we get to Space Station 12, you’ll be transferred to security personnel there.”

Masters nodded.

Jim left his cell, said goodbye to Giotto and headed to his next destination. He was meeting Ensign Rogers in Conference Room 2. She had requested the meeting.

She was already waiting for him and fidgeting nervously. Her eyes were red and there were still tear stains on her cheeks.

He took the seat next to her. “I don’t need to ask you how you are.”

She shook her head. “You saw my request?”

Jim licked his lips and glanced at his PADD. “Yeah. I’m not surprised, but I am sorry. What will you do?”

“For now, I’ll go to the space station with Donald.”

“You heard then?”

Her sigh was shaky. “It’s all over the ship. His arrest. E-everything.”

“If I could have spared you this.”

“Captain, it’s not your fault. You’ve been nothing but kind. But I can’t let him face his trial alone.” She looked down at her nails. “This isn’t the way I expected my career to go.”

“I know.”

“I-I can’t get them clean, you know.”

Jim swallowed. “Them?”

“My hands. He-he held them down, you see. And no matter how many times I wash them, it’s never enough.”

He nodded, unsure he could say anything.

She studied him intently. “I want to thank you.”

“For?”

“Not trying to give me a hug like that will magically cure me. I can’t stand people touching me. I’ve been forced to endure it ever since and it’s…it makes my skin crawl. You know what’s that like though, don’t you, Captain?”

“Yeah.” His voice cracked. He cleared his throat. “They mean well. They don’t get it. But they mean well.”

“I know. And that’s why I continue to let them. And they all tell me it’s going to be all right, you know? But it isn’t.”

Jim winced. He’d said those same words to her when it first happened. And damn, he knew better.

She stood. “Thank you for accepting my resignation, Captain.”

“If there’s-if there’s anything you ever need, and I can help, Kasey, you let me know.”

She drew herself up and went to the doors. She looked over her shoulder at Jim. “You, too, Captain.”

For a long time Jim continued to sit there, though he knew he needed to get to the bridge and relieve Spock. He thought of his food stash in the closet in his quarters but instead of being appealing, he felt shame and a need to destroy it all. He wanted it gone. Disposed of. But the only one who could do that was him. And he couldn’t seem to make himself do it.

Instead of the bridge, though, he went to the observation deck. After all this time, why did he sometimes feel like a bad little boy again?

Just before he spoke, Jim became aware of Spock’s presence.

“Captain?”

He was always hyper aware of it. Of Spock. It was maddening.

“Hey, Spock. I know I’m due on the bridge.”

“That was not my immediate concern.”

“You got the computer to locate me?”

“Affirmative. I received the notification of Ensign Rogers’ resignation.”

“Yeah. Not altogether unexpected.”

“And you, Captain?”

“Me, Mister Spock?”

“Are you—how are you?”

For a moment his vision went blurry and the stars melded together as one. He gave himself a mental shake and turned to look at Spock. Those molten chocolate eyes were warm rather than the cold obsidian he’d become accustomed to. 

He nearly took a step toward Spock, wanting the Vulcan’s arms to wrap tightly around him and tell him he’d always be there for Jim.

_You would be the furthest thing from an ideal mate I can imagine._

And like that, it was like he’d been hit with arctic air, and he remained frozen in place.

Forcing his captain’s mask into place, Jim even managed a smile. Of sorts. “I’m fine, Mister Spock. I appreciate your concern. Bridge?”

Jim ignored the maelstrom within and walked past Spock to exit the observation room.

“Jim?”

He didn’t turn around. “Yeah?”

“Some of the things I have said in the past.” Spock’s voice was stilted, unnatural. “They were unnecessarily harsh. I wish to—”

“Forget it, Spock. I already have.”

Jim kept walking without waiting for any other response.


	12. We're Supposed to be Friends

Spock followed Jim into the turbolift after their shift. He had not failed to notice that Jim had tried to avoid it. He’d headed for the lift at a high rate of speed and had been pulling the lever when Spock slipped in.

“Captain?”

He saw the telltale clench of Jim’s jaw. Jim was looking straight ahead, not even looking in Spock’s direction. “Yes, Mister Spock?”

“I wondered if we might play a game of chess.”

“I don’t really think that’s a good idea.” The lift opened on the deck with their quarters and Spock followed Jim out.

“You are otherwise occupied?” Spock persisted.

“Yeah. Reports and stuff.” Jim waved vaguely as he strode down the corridor.

“Jim.”

That stopped Jim short. They hadn’t quite reached their quarters. “What, Spock?” His tone was just a little impatient. His expression more so. No doubt meant to scare anyone away, and Spock supposed it might succeed with other members of the crew.

“We are supposed to be friends. You have said so.”

Jim sighed and ran a hand over the top of his head. “Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. Okay. We can play chess. But I have a few rules.”

“Rules, sir?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. Absolutely positively no talk of my memories, thoughts, emotions, past…pretty much anything you got out of my head or thought about relating to my brain. It’s all off limits. Even an accidental mention of something and the game is over and you’re out.”

Spock blinked. He supposed it was no more than he deserved. But waves of Jim’s irritation mixed with anguish were coming at Spock from the bond Jim did not know about. Spock really needed to work on his shields because Jim’s thoughts and emotions were very strong.

Jim was looking expectantly at Spock and for a moment he was reminded of the day Pike was murdered and Jim told Spock he missed him.

“I will respect your wishes, Captain.” If Spock did not agree he would get no opportunity to spend time with Jim. Given his recent discovery of Jim’s relevance to Spock that would be unacceptable.

Jim didn’t look like he believed Spock so Spock put on his best innocent Vulcan expression and waited patiently. Jim shook his head. Whether at Spock or himself, Spock didn’t know.

He turned to finish walking down the corridor to his quarters. “Now that I think about it, why don’t we play in your quarters, Mister Spock?”

Spock nodded. “That is quite acceptable, Captain.”

“Okay, I’m gonna do a few things and get changed, so I’ll be over in a bit, all right?”

Spock did not like the vagueness of ‘a bit’, but he could hardly demand anything from Jim at this point, so he agreed and went to his own quarters.

As he entered he had a little worrisome thought Jim was going to contact him shortly to claim something came up and he couldn’t make it after all. Then he realized that thought came from Jim himself. Jim was trying to think of excuses to avoid Spock still. And Spock had only himself to blame.

 _Please don’t cancel_.

He sent that thought to Jim, wasn’t sure it would get through, and then set about straightening his quarters just a little. It was not messy by any means, but it gave Spock something to do while he waited.

“Computer lower temperature 20%.”

Then he paced for a bit. Jim’s thoughts and emotions had suddenly become eerily silent. Had Jim somehow learned of their t’hy’la bond and learned to shut Spock out? He was tempted to go to Jim’s quarters and tell him they would play there just so Jim could not comm Spock and make an excuse. But that…he did not want to become Jim’s stalker. If he was going to convince Jim of his remorse and his desire to live as a bonded couple then Spock would need to do so carefully.

His door chimed and air whooshed out of his lungs. He forced his hands to unclench as he pushed the door release.

Jim stood there, framed by the doorway, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but at the door of Spock’s quarters. Spock was aware he had done this and it caused his heart to ache in a way he had never anticipated. He had never understood the term _heartache_ before but he knew it now.

Jim licked his lips and pasted on one of his false smiles. Spock recognized it and it just made his heart twist. Jim stepped inside.

He wore a pair of gray sweatpants and a blue T-shirt that Spock swore matched his eyes. If he hadn’t known better he would have thought it was chosen on purpose. But Jim was hardly giving off welcoming vibes, in fact the opposite. He looked beautiful and vulnerable and Spock tried not to notice.

“Would you like coffee?” His voice sounded huskier than he intended and he took a steadying breath to get himself back under control.

“You know what? How about tea? I think I’ve had enough coffee for the moment.”

Spock didn’t turn toward his room synthesizer right away. Instead he studied his captain and frowned slightly at the dark smudges under his eyes. “You are not sleeping well.”

Jim shrugged. “I dream a lot.”

“I take it they are of an unpleasant nature.”

“Oh yeah.” The false smile was back. “The tea?”

Spock turned to the synthesizer and obtained tea for them both. He could help Jim with the dreams, but he did not think that Jim would take the help willingly. He was not prepared to inform Jim of their relationship at this point. He had hurt his t’hy’la and hadn’t done nearly enough to make up for it. On the other hand, Spock was not sure he should do anything without Jim’s permission.

Spock turned away from the synthesizer and offered Jim his tea. He was uncertain if mentioning it would be a violation of Jim’s rules about not talking about anything to do with his mind. He’d already tread carefully asking about Jim’s sleep, which had led to the mention of dreams. But Spock found he could not ignore it. “There are methods known to Vulcans for calming the presence of dreams. Perhaps you would allow me to assist you?”

Jim’s expression became even more closed off if that was possible. “No, that’s all right, Mister Spock. I can manage. Chess?”

“Yes, Captain.” Spock went to the table where they usually sat and quickly set up the game. He waited until Jim sat before taking his own seat. He was illogically pleased Jim had not bolted.

They played silently—Spock uncertain what topic to bring up that would not tempt Jim to use it as an excuse to flee and Jim maintaining his aloofness—and so the game went achingly slow for Jim was playing with more focus than Spock had noticed in a long time.

“Checkmate,” Jim said coolly.

“Well played, Captain. Your play was almost logical.”

Jim’s lips turned up slightly at the corners. “That’s like a compliment coming from you, Spock.” Jim finished his tea and stood, to Spock’s dismay.

“You will not allow me a rematch?”

“Some other time.” Jim faked a yawn. It was far too obvious not to be faked. “I’m really tired.”

“Very well.”

Spock walked him to the door. He was not even sure why. Perhaps to draw him back inside, but he did not. He allowed the door to slide open and he watched in silence as Jim walked out declaring a faint, “Goodnight”, as he went.

Spock closed his eyes and turned away from the now closed door. He would need to meditate for a lengthy time.       


	13. What an Endless Night This has Been

Jim woke with dreams still splattering around in his head. His chest ached with the effort to breathe, to calm down the erratic racing of his heart.

It would have been better not to have gone to sleep instead of facing the endless barrage of dreams trying to fuck up his psyche permanently. Perhaps Pike had been right when he had suggested, now long ago, that Jim should see someone.

It had been just the two of them, before everything went so wrong. They’d met for a drink before Nibiru. Before Khan. Before Pike was gone and Jim was left wondering if Pike had been right about a lot of things.

Jim sat up in bed and buried his face in his hands. The dream had not yet faded from memory. It still had hold of him like tentacles sucked onto his brain patterns. He tried deep breaths. He’d had a doctor when he was a kid, before Tarsus, but during Frank, tell him to try breathing exercises. Like that helped. It never had. Never did. Jim supposed never would.

Time for something else.

He closed his eyes.

_Climb the mountain, slowly, carefully. Don’t fall. His foot skidded on loose rocks, but he didn’t slip. He reached the top. Sucked in the fresh air. Made it to his meadow. So green, full of flowers and butterflies. He could hear the frogs croaking in the little stream next to his meadow. He sat down, among the grass and flowers, cross-legged. Peaceful. Beautiful. No one could touch him here. Special. No one._

Jim jumped when a persistent chime interrupted the peace and he was back in his bunk in his quarters on the Enterprise. He frowned.

“Computer, identify visitor.”

“Commander Spock.”

Jim sighed. He wanted to ignore it. Ignore him. But he was a goddamn adult and he would not hide from his emotionless first officer no matter how much he opened more holes in Jim’s heart.

“Computer, open door.”

Spock stepped inside, hands clenched behind his back, uniform crisp and no hair out of place. “Captain.”

“Hello, Mister Spock. What can I do for you?” It had been on the tip of his tongue to call Spock commander just to be as cold and Vulcan-like as Spock, but really Jim couldn’t do that. And besides, Spock wasn’t to blame for not loving him. For implying he was a worthless slut, maybe.

A wince passed over Spock’s face so quickly Jim thought maybe he had imagined it.

“I wished to check on your welfare,” Spock said quietly.

“Really? Why?” Jim held up his hand, palm out. “You know what? Hang on. I’m like not wearing clothes and I feel totally out of sorts talking to you while you’re fully uniformed. I’m gonna get dressed.”

“I did not intend to disturb your evening.”

Jim rose, wearing only his boxer briefs, and padded over to his drawer to remove his uniform pants, two shirts and a new pair of regulation boxer briefs. “I was already disturbed.” He headed for the bathroom. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

Jim brushed his teeth, then dressed quickly. He’d put his boots on later. He didn’t need those on to talk to Spock.

When he came out, Spock was waiting patiently, as he had before, exactly in the same stance.

Jim went to the synthesizer. “Tea or something, Spock?”

Spock hesitated for a few seconds before nodding.

As Jim handed him the tea, he raised both brows at Spock. “So, what prompted you to pay me a visit to check on me?”

Spock’s cheeks seemed to get slightly greener. “You mentioned being disturbed by dreams.”

“Ah.” Jim nodded. “Yeah. Had a doozy just a bit ago.”

“Would you like to describe its nature?”

He started to shake his head in denial, but then shrugged. “I was on Delta Vega, running from the giant creature who wanted to snack on me—which really happened by the way—when I was saved by a man in a cave. Which also happened. But instead of it being the older you, which it was, it was Khan. It got creepier from there.”

“I was unaware you dream of your time on Delta Vega.”

“That’s not entirely surprising, Spock. It’s not like you ever spend a lot of time talking to me about personal matters. Even when we play chess it’s usually ship business or other fairly light topics.”

Spock blinked and shifted. “You are correct. I apologize for my lapse, Jim.”

Jim tried a smile. “It’s all right. We’ve never really had that kind of relationship.”

“Like you have with Dr. McCoy.”

“Right.”

“Yet,” Spock said carefully. “You do consider me a friend. Or…did.”

“I still do, Spock. Why don’t you sit down?” Jim gestured to the sofa. He went to sit there himself and after just a moment, Spock joined him.

“If it does not violate your rules, may I make a query as to what other subjects invade your dreams?”

Jim blew out a breath and took a sip of the coffee he had obtained for himself. “When I have bad dreams it’s usually about my childhood or my teenaged years. But sometimes they involve Nero or Khan. Dying.”

“Do you ever have pleasant dreams?”

“I’m sure.” Jim smiled. “I don’t remember every dream. No one does. Do you ever experience dreams, Spock?”

Spock looked down at his hands. “Not very often, no. Recently I have had a marked increase in them, however.”

“Yeah? Any idea why?”

Spock’s gaze rose then. “I have a hypothesis, yes. More evidence will assure me of the correctness of it.”

Jim lifted his coffee cup to his lips and took a sip. “What was your childhood like?”

“Filled with study and logic. Science. I did not have friends.”

“No?”

“The other Vulcan children did not appreciate my mixed heritage.”

Jim felt his stomach twist sympathetically. “Were you bullied?”

“I suspect you might view it that way,” Spock conceded. “Some of them would speak ill of my mother to force an emotional response from me.”

“And did they succeed?”

“Sometimes. Most notably I became involved in a confrontation with one specific classmate.”

Jim smiled a little. “Did you win?”

“Yes.”

“Were you lonely?”

“I tried not to be.”

“But were you?”

“Yes,” Spock said softly. “And you, Jim? Were you lonely?”

Jim looked away from Spock’s beautiful dark eyes. “There were times I would have given anything to be alone.”

“Jim, I—”

“No, it’s okay.” Jim exhaled long and slow. “I didn’t have friends either. No one I could tell about…anything. Not at first anyway. Sam had left. He came back later, but for a while…it was just me and Frank. I used to go away in my head when…when.” He shook his head. “Lonely? Yeah, I guess I was.”

“Sometimes there are times I find myself completely insufferable,” Spock whispered.

Jim turned to look at him, startled. “What?”

Spock stood and turned toward the door.

“Spock?”

“I am compromised at the moment, Captain. May I be dismissed?”

Jim swallowed heavily. “Yeah, okay. Go ahead, Mister Spock.”

“I apologize.”

“All right.”

The door opened and Spock exited his quarters.

Jim curled his hands into fists and glanced toward his closet. He shook his head and decided to head for the bridge instead.   


	14. Who Do You Need, Who Do You Love, When You Come Undone

Meditation did not help. Whenever Spock attempted to meditate, Jim’s thoughts and emotions were screaming at him. When he attempted to sleep, his rest was interrupted by Jim’s dreams.

Spock had no experience with this sort of bond. He’d been bonded as a child as all Vulcans were. That bond had been severed when T’Pring, his chosen one, had perished on Vulcan when Nero destroyed it. But their bond had not been like this. He never got T’Pring’s thoughts or emotions and as far as he knew, she had never received his. They had not lived in close proximity to each other, but it was Spock’s understanding their bond would not have been fully formed until the time of Spock’s Pon Farr. That had never happened.

None of that applied to this t’hy’la bond he apparently had with his captain. He had not experienced Pon Farr. He was uncertain if he ever would, considering his mixed heritage. No elder had formally connected his mind with Jim’s. Yet even now with Jim on the bridge, Spock felt his annoyance at a report an admiral had just insisted he do.

_Like I need another fucking task. He doesn’t even need that report. Reports are stupid. So inane. God, I don’t have time for this. Suck it up, Jim. Part of the job. Just suck it up and stop whining._

Spock slammed his fist down on his desk. This was too much. Too much. If this is what a t’hy’la bond was he did not want it. Jim’s irritation was becoming Spock’s own. He needed to shield. But none of his usual shields against the constant barrage of unwelcome human emotions seemed to be helping.

His door chimed. Spock clenched his fists, exhaled slowly. “Enter.”

Nyota stepped inside Spock’s quarters. “Spock? Are you okay?”

“Yes,” he insisted. “No. I do not know.”

She approached him. “What’s wrong?”

“I find myself emotionally compromised.”

“What’s happened?”

“The captain.”

She frowned. “What has he done?”

“Nothing. He has done nothing,” he snapped.

“O-Okay. Want to explain then?”

Spock did not want to explain. This was private business between him and his mate. Nyota was his friend but he did not want to discuss it with her. How could he explain all this to someone he had formerly been in a romantic relationship with? And she knew nothing about this type of bond.

He inhaled and then exhaled very slowly. “I apologize for becoming irritated with you, Nyota.”

She watched him carefully. “It’s all right. But you don’t want to explain?”

“Not at this time. It is something I must work through on my own.”

“All right. I came to ask if you wanted to have breakfast before shift.”

“I am not especially in need of nourishment at this time. I prefer to use the time in meditation.”

 “Okay,” she said with a nod. “If you change your mind about needing to talk, just let me know.”

“Thank you, Nyota.”

****

As soon as Spock stepped toward the bridge all his carefully placed shields—shields he had worked to put in place just moments ago during meditation—began to fissure with Jim sitting only a few feet away in the captain’s chair.

Spock made his way to his science station but as soon as he reached it, he turned to look at Jim. The captain was turned toward a yeoman who was handing him a PADD for his review. His lips were slightly parted as he reviewed the PADD, his cheeks flushed with a hint of pink. Spock found him very appealing.

Spock stood and went to the captain’s chair. Jim glanced at him in surprise, then back to the PADD, which he signed and handed back to the yeoman.

“What can I do for you, Mister Spock?”

“You are prepared for the diplomatic mission, Captain?”

“I read the briefs, yes. I don’t anticipate any issues.”

“Request permission to accompany you.”

Jim blinked and tilted his head. “For what purpose? I anticipated leaving you here to man the bridge.”

Spock hesitated. He could hardly tell Jim that just prior to his meditation he had brought up the files for the planet dignitaries and saw that leader of Gyria was an exceptional beautiful woman by human standards. Her skin was a light lilac like all Gyrians and her long white hair fell in ringlets down her back. She was the sort of female Spock knew Jim would find appealing.

“The situation may become dangerous between the Gyrians and the Crestlas.”

Jim shook his head. “It is not expected to be dangerous. The talks are peaceful.”

“Then I will go in your stead.”

“No, Mister Spock. I want you on the bridge. I’m bringing Uhura and Bones with me.”

Spock tried to tamp down the jealousy that sprang quickly to the surface at the idea Jim intended to bring the doctor with him but not Spock. It was illogical to feel resentment toward Jim’s friendship with McCoy.

“Anything else?” Jim asked. He was all business. Whatever thoughts and emotions he had been receiving from Jim before were entirely masked now. Perhaps Spock’s shields were working after all. Which made Spock infinitely calmer.

“No, Captain.” Spock returned to his station and resisted the urge to look back at Jim.

****

“Doctor.”

McCoy looked up from his terminal in his office in sickbay. His expression was one of surprise. “You sick, Spock?”

“I do not have any physical ailment. May I?” Spock gestured to the chair in front of McCoy’s desk.

“Go ahead.”

Spock sat and tried to collect himself. The best way to deal with this, to death with any of it, was without emotion. Logic would be the way he dealt with this, as everything.

“Something on your mind, Spock?”

He nodded. “The mission on the planet, Gyria.”

“What about it? Everything went well with the negotiations and they are on their way toward peace with each other.”

“My query is of a personal nature.”

“I don’t think I understand.”

“The Gyrian leader.”

The doctor smiled. “Lorena. Beautiful woman. And very kind. What about her?”

Spock looked down at his hands. He suddenly knew this was a bad idea. A very bad idea. He’d been passing sickbay and had found himself entering before he gave it more logical thought. Now that he had time to consider the absurdity of it, he knew coming to McCoy to ask about the captain’s exploits was a mistake.

“Never mind,” Spock said. “It was nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

He swallowed the strange lump in his throat. “I had just wondered how the captain got along with her.”

“Pretty well. She was very charming.” McCoy narrowed his eyes, “Why are you asking?”

“It is nothing.”

“I don’t know what you’re trying to imply, Spock, but Jim was nothing but professional down there. He would never jeopardize a mission for whatever nasty idea you have in your green-blooded mind.”

“There is no need to lapse into xenophobic references, doctor.”

“You know what? Get out of my office.”

“Doctor—”

“You have some nerve. What, are you gathering evidence to file reports against Jim?”

“I would never—”

“Well, that’s not true, is it, Spock? You filed a report when Jim saved your life. And as far as I heard, you rejected Jim, so what he does or does not do in his personal undertakings is not your business.” McCoy was clearly, irrationally angry. “Where do you get off judging Jim? You should have been so lucky as to have him. There’s no one out there better. Now…I think I said, get out of my office.”

Spock stood and without another word, left McCoy’s office and then sickbay.

The truth was, he could have lowered his shields while Jim was planetside and learned for himself if Jim had been intimate with the Gyrian leader, but Spock could not bear to learn that knowledge first hand.

He had intended to seek out Nyota but then thought better of it and had gone to McCoy. A mistake.

Spock made his way to the officers deck. He lingered outside the captain’s quarters. He did not approve of his actions. He was acting like some stalker of the captain.

He placed his hand on the door of Jim’s quarters and slowly lowered the shields he had been working so hard on.

Jim was in the shower. Naked. Soaping himself up. A water shower. Spock closed his eyes. Jim’s hand had lowered to grasp hold of his…

Jim was touching himself. Stroking, grasping, working himself and Spock into a frenzy.

Spock slammed down his shields as he realized he was panting.  

If anyone had seen him…

Spock straightened away from the captain’s door and made his way to his own quarters. He would not stroke himself. He would not.

As soon as the door closed, Spock unzipped his trousers and stuck his hand inside, fisting his growing erection. He felt his face warm with shame, but he did not, could not stop until he was undone and soiling himself with his seed with Jim’s name on his lips.


	15. Take a Look at My Body Look at My Hands,There's so Much Here That I Don't Understand

“No! No, don’t! Spock, no!”

“I can’t tell you the prognosis right now, Jim.”

“What do you mean you can’t fucking tell me? You’re a doctor!”

“The truth is he may die, Jim. And you’ve got to pull yourself together. Other crewmen are injured too!”

“Come on, Spock. Come on. I can’t make it without you. Please. Please.”

“You damn bastard! What were you thinking?”

“Jim, he’s going to be all right. Jim? Did you hear what I said?”

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

 

Spock woke to the sound of instruments above his head. His eyelids felt too heavy to lift them. He could hear murmured voices. McCoy. Nurse Chapel.

“Doctor, I think he’s coming around.”

Spock had never felt so weak, so drained. He tried to recall what happened. He was clearly in medbay, but he did not know why. With sheer will, he opened his eyes.

To Dr. McCoy leaning over him, pointing a bright light in his face.

“You have decided to blind me, doctor?”

The light went away but McCoy’s frowning face did not. “I see you haven’t changed.”

“Was my injury so severe that you expected it?”

“No. How do you feel, Spock?”

“My stomach is unsettled, my chest hurts, and I feel dizzy and weak.”

The doctor nodded. “About what I expected. You’re on the mend.”

“The captain?”

McCoy’s gaze hardened and he stared at Spock for so long, Spock was afraid the doctor wouldn’t answer. But then, he said, “On the bridge.”

“Then he was unharmed?”

“Yes. And I guess that’s because of you from what I hear. Rest, Spock. I’ll let Jim know you woke.”

“How long have I been unconscious?” Spock asked as the doctor began to move away.

“Six days.”

Spock suddenly couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer and they fell closed.

When he woke again, he recognized he was not alone before he opened his eyes. He was vaguely disappointed when he opened them to see Nyota by his side. Illogical and unfair.

“Hey.” She greeted him with a soft smile. “You look better. You want to sit up for a bit?”

“Please.”

Nyota bent down under the biobed and lifted it until Spock was in a sitting position. “There. Better?”

“Yes, Nyota. Thank you.”

“Are you thirsty? Leonard says you can have a few sips of tea if you’d like.”

“That would be most agreeable.”

She turned around and picked up a cup off of a chair that had been placed near his bed. She handed him the half-full cup.

“Your color has improved since I last saw you.”

“The injuries were severe?”

“Oh yes. Terrible. Everyone was frantic. They weren’t even sure you would make it.” Nyota sat on the very edge of the bed. “Captain said you stepped in front of him to take the fire.”

“Yes.” Spock remembered that part.

“You shouldn’t have done that, Spock. Your life is not less important than Kirk’s.”

“I disagree.”

“Spock—”

“It is more important that the captain live than the first officer. It is my duty to see to his safety.” Spock paused. “And there is no circumstance where I would not protect his life over mine.”

She watched him, her eyes assessing. “How long?”

“Clarify.”

Nyota sighed. “You know. I guess I should have thought about it when you said you were emotionally compromised. You love him?”

“Vulcans do not feel love in the way humans speak of it.”

She smiled a little sadly. “Don’t I know it? You never had the emotional connection with me I wanted you to. For a long time I told myself what we did have was enough.”

“It was not.”

“No. You gave me what you were capable of, Spock. I can’t fault you for that. And I knew you were Vulcan going into things. Like a lot of people in love, I guess I thought I could change you.” Nyota touched Spock’s hand. “But you don’t need to be changed. You’re fine the way you are.”

Spock nodded slowly.

“It just took me a while to realize that. And that our just being friends was a good thing. It’s the way it should be.”

 “I do value your friendship, Nyota.”

“So, you are denying you love the captain?”

“He is my friend,” Spock replied.

“And you don’t think of him romantically in any way?”

Spock exhaled slowly. “It is not—to speak of such…it is difficult.”

“I know you don’t like to discuss feelings.” Nyota sighed.

“That is correct. And it goes beyond that. Even were I to acknowledge a deeper sense of friendship for the captain than anyone else, I did not react well to his declaration toward me. He has pushed me away because of it.”

“You hurt him,” Nyota guessed.

“It was not my intention to do so. However, I was perhaps more insensitive to what was said than I should have been.”

“What did you say?”

Spock did not know if he wished to tell Nyota. Or anyone. When he thought of that night with Jim, he felt overwhelming shame. He shook his head.

“Hey, Spock—” Jim appeared and stopped mid-sentence when he saw Nyota. She stood up from Spock’s bed immediately, turning toward the captain. The tentative smile that had been on his face, slipped off completely. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt. Bones had said you woke up.”

“You aren’t,” Nyota insisted, with a quick glance in Spock’s direction. “I was just leaving. I’ll check on you again later.” She smiled at the captain as she passed by him.

Jim stayed at the foot of Spock’s bed, his expression completely unreadable. But his emotions? His thoughts? Were screaming at Spock.

_don’t leave me please don’t so glad you’re okay so glad don’t leave don’t_

“How do you feel?” Jim asked.

“Much improved from the first time I woke.”

“Good to hear. Bones said you’re going to have to stay in here a few more days.”

Spock did not enjoy bed rest. “Did he indicate an exact amount of time?”

Jim shook his head and smiled. “Sorry. He’s pretty vague like that. I should get back to the bridge. But there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“I appear to be a captive audience.”

“Yeah, true.” He still stayed at the foot of Spock’s bed. Did not move even a step closer.

When he didn’t immediately say anything else, Spock, prompted, “You wished to say something?”

“Don’t ever do that again.”

“Captain?”

“You know what. Never again. You are never to step in front of me and take gunfire or darts or animal attacks or whatever we face again.”

“Jim, I—”

“Don’t. I’m not fucking around here, Mister Spock. I’ll leave you off every single landing party I’m a part of from now on if I have to.”

“That is not—”

“Oh, it is. I can do it. And I will if I have to.”

“It is my duty to protect the captain of this ship.”

“Not by sacrificing yourself.”

“That was not my intention at the time. My injuries were just an unfortunate result.”

“You almost died. And that…is unacceptable.” Jim turned away. “I hope I make myself very clear, Commander.”

Jim did not wait for an answer, he just walked out.  


	16. Talk Some Sense to Me

Jim deliberately stayed away from the medbay until Spock was released to his quarters for the duration of his convalescence. Once Jim heard the news though, he went straight to Bones. He found his friend in his office.

“Hey Jim. I was expecting you.” Bones gestured to a chair in front of his desk and a glass filled with an amber liquid over the rocks.

“Yeah? How come?”

“The hobgoblin was just in the medbay and you avoided him most of the time. You’re still hung up on him.”

Jim sunk down in the chair and grabbed the glass of whiskey. “I’m pretty obvious, huh?”

“To me you are.”

He closed his eyes, took a sip of the liquor, feeling it burn down his throat. “I’m trying to move past this. Get over him.”

“Are you?” Bones’ voice was gentle.

Jim opened his eyes and tilted his head back in the chair. “I need to. Unrequited love sucks like you wouldn’t believe. And loving him? It’s particularly hard. It’s like someone keeps pressing a blazing hot iron on my chest. I should never have told him, Bones. When I kept it to myself there was always an element of hope that someday…now? There’s nothing but pain and humiliation.”

“You have nothing to be humiliated over, Jim.”

“No?”

“It’s not humiliating to love someone. Spock wouldn’t understand that because he’ll never know the things that love can drive a man to. The ecstasies, the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures, the glorious victories. All of these things he’ll never know simply because love isn’t written into his book.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t know if that’s fair to Spock, Bones. Just because he doesn’t love me doesn’t love mean he doesn’t feel or know love. He was with Uhura. And he certainly loved his mother.”

“A mother’s love isn’t the same as being in love. And his relationship with Uhura broke up. Probably because she couldn’t stand being with a robot.”

“Bones.”

“That’s exactly it, Jim. You always defend him. He basically called you an unworthy slut and you’re still defending him. You say you want to get over him, but it’s clear you aren’t even close.”

Jim straightened in the chair and took another swallow of whiskey. “I can’t just turn it off and on. It takes time.”

“I know. Maybe you should just avoid him for now. Just deal with him for ship business and nothing else.”

“But we’re supposed to be friends.”

“According to Spock’s counterpart?”

Jim shook his head. “No. Spock. Me. We’re friends. We’ve become friends.”

Bones grimaced. “Well, maybe you weren’t meant to be. In this timeline. Universe. Whatever. Maybe the problem is, Jim, you’ve always been trying too hard with Spock. Because of what came before. Are you sure any of it is truly genuine or maybe it comes from that other place.”

Jim frowned. “I don’t know and you’re giving me a migraine.” He downed the whiskey. “You really don’t like Spock, do you?”

“I like him fine. He’s the best first officer in the fleet. I don’t like that he hurt you. How he treated you. And I’m never going to like that.”

Jim stood and squeezed Bones’ shoulder. “Thanks, Bones. Even though I don’t always agree with you, I know you’re my friend. Always.”

Bones nodded. “Always. Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Eat something, will you?”

He felt a weird twist of his stomach. “I’m not hungry.”

“When was the last time you ate?”

“I don’t know.”

“Eat. I don’t care if all you have is an apple. Just eat.”

“Okay, Bones.”

Jim left medbay and went to his own quarters. He glanced at Spock’s door as he passed by and briefly thought about checking on him, but he kept walking. Then he paused as he was about to enter the code for his own quarters.

With a sigh, he turned around and went back to Spock’s. He laid his hand on the door, intending to do…what? Jim didn’t even know. If he was trying to get over Spock hanging outside like some lovesick idiot was not the way to do it.

The door slid open and Jim moved his hand off quickly. He jumped a little to see Spock standing directly on the other side.

“I am sorry, Captain. I did not intend to startle you.”

“You didn’t,” Jim instantly denied.

“You were coming to see me?”

“No. Yes. No. Yes.” Jim shook his head at his own idiocy. “How are you feeling?”

“Would you like to come in?” Spock asked softly.

“I—”

“Please come in, Captain.”

Jim licked his dry lips. “Okay.”

Spock stood aside and Jim entered. He always felt awkward there. Well, since his stupid declaration of love, anyway.

“Something to drink?”

“I really shouldn’t stay long.”

“Coffee?” Spock offered going to the synthesizer.

“Tea, maybe. I should be going to sleep soon.”

Spock handed him a cup of tea and a banana a minute later.

“What’s this?”

“Something for you to eat.”

Jim almost argued but he remembered Bones’ face, so with a shrug, he peeled it. “How are you feeling?” he asked again.

“Much improved. I believe I can return to duty.”

Jim smiled. “And what does Bones say?”

“I must wait.”

“And you hate that.”

“Vulcans do not hate.”

“Of course not. Nevertheless you’d rather be on duty, wouldn’t you?”

“Indeed.”

Jim took a couple of sips of his tea. “Okay, well. I should go. Let you rest.”

“You have not eaten your banana.”

Jim took a bite. “Satisfied?”

Spock shook his head.

Jim met his gaze, locked. There was something there he couldn’t quite pinpoint. He cleared his throat. “Spock?”

Spock’s gaze dropped to Jim’s lips and Jim’s stomach fluttered in response. He must be way too tired as he had begun to imagine seeing something in Spock’s eyes that just weren’t there.

He took a step back. Spock took two steps forward. He repeated the move backwards and then Spock repeated his steps forward until Jim suddenly found himself against the bulkhead.

“What are you doing?” Jim whispered.

Spock leaned forward until their noses almost touched. “I do not know.” His thumb brushed lightly over Jim’s bottom lip sending a shiver up Jim’s spine.

Jim’s breath hitched. He swallowed heavily, unable to look away as Spock’s dark eyes gazed straight into Jim’s.

He felt Spock’s index and middle fingers touch the same fingers of Jim’s own hand. Jim glanced down then back up to Spock’s face, startled.

“What are you playing at?” Jim demanded then.

Spock did not answer. He blinked rapidly and moved his fingers from Jim’s.

He slipped out from being trapped against the bulkhead and went to the door. Without turning around Jim said, “Let me know if you figure it out.”

       

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I borrowed a bit of Bones' dialogue from a season three episode.


	17. You Only See What Your Eyes Want to See

“I think Spock just kissed me.”

Bones looked up from the book he was reading on the couch in his quarters. He had opened the door when Jim had asked for access. Jim had wasted no time blurting out what had just happened.

“You think? What do your lips say?”

Jim shook his head and sat on the coffee table directly in front of Bones. “No. Not like a regular kiss. A Vulcan kiss.”

“Vulcans kiss? I thought they were robots.”

“Funny. Yeah, with their fingers. I read about it once. And … I saw Spock do it once to Uhura.” Fuck, that hurt. Just thinking about it again.

Bones set his book aside and Jim’s gaze went right to the title. A medical journal of some sort. “Want something to drink? Coffee? Gin? Romulan ale?”

Jim narrowed his eyes. “You have Romulan ale?”

Bones shrugged. “I know a guy who knows a guy. Want some or not?”

Jim licked his lips and nodded. As Bones got up, Jim flopped down onto Bones’ couch. “I don’t know, maybe I imagined it.”

Bones reached into what was a portable fridge and pulled out two bottles. Sure enough, they were Romulan ale. He handed one to Jim, then took the other and sat next to him.

“As your captain, I do not approve. As your friend, thank you.”

Bones tilted his head back as he took a swallow. “Well. I doubt you imagined it. But tell me what he did.”

“He touched his index and middle finger to mine.”

“And that’s a Vulcan kiss?”

“I think so, yeah. But I don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“Why he would kiss me, Bones. You remember. I’m completely unsuitable for his Vulcan princeliness.”

Bones grimaced. “I remember. I still want to kick his ass. How did this happen anyway? Were you alone?”

“I went to his quarters to check on him since you had released him. I don’t even know. We were talking and then he was in my space. Then … the finger thing. I think maybe it startled him as much as it did me.”

“God knows I gave up on trying to figure out the complexities of the hobgoblin a long time ago, Jim.”

“Think you released him too soon?”

“Meaning?”

“Maybe he’s delusional or something. Feverish. Maybe he thought I was Uhura for a second.”

“Cause you look so much alike.”

Jim shrugged. “Yeah it does sound stupid.”

“Did you ask him why the fuck he kissed you?”

“Sort of. I asked him what he was playing at. He didn’t answer.”

Bones took another swig of his bottle. “My advice? Put in to transfer him.”

Shock coursed through Jim. He twirled the bottle he still hadn’t taken a drink from. “You really think that?”

“I don’t know. I hate what he’s doing to you. You can’t entirely avoid him because he’s your first officer. But if you don’t want to transfer him, maybe only interact with him on ship’s business.”

“So your answer is to ignore it and pretend it never happened?”

Bones shook his head. “I became an expert at that in my marriage. Could explain a lot of things.”

Jim stared at the bottle of ale. “I’m trying so hard to not love him and then he pulls that crap. I kind of want to punch him in his stupid Vulcan face.”

“Get in line.” Bones pulled the unopened bottle of ale out of Jim’s hand. “If you aren’t going to drink that, give it back.”

Jim smiled a little. “Guess I’m not much in the mood for a drink, Bones.”

“What are you in the mood for?”

“I wish I knew.” He stood and patted Bones’ shoulder. “Thanks for listening. You can go back to your boring book now.”

“I don’t think I helped much.”

“Sometimes it helps just to talk about it. Or something.” Jim grinned wryly.

Bones rose and followed him to the door. “Did you eat?”

“A banana.”

“That’s not very much food.” Bones stared at him, looking like he was staring right through him. “This food thing you have—”

“Bones, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“If you don’t talk to me, you’re going to have to talk to someone. You have issues, Jim. Sometimes you gorge and other times you barely eat. It’s fucking with you every which way. It’s not healthy.”

Jim clenched his fists along with his stomach. “It’s fine. I can handle it. ”

“Jim—”

“So, I’ll eat a fucking chicken breast, okay? Stop nagging me.”

“I’m only nagging you because I care about you, you idiot.”

“I know. I know. I just—I don’t need this right now on top of everything else. Goodnight.” He walked out of Bones’ quarters before he could say anything else.

He spotted Lieutenant Allison Myers walking just ahead and for a moment he was tempted to call out to her. Once, back in his academy days, he’d slept a few times with Allison. It had been years. And yet when she had been assigned to Jim’s ship she had made it clear she was open to additional exploration.

As he watched the sway of her hips and the way her dress barely covered her ass, Jim opened his mouth to call out to her. Just one night. One night to pretend everything wasn’t killing him. What harm would there be, really?

But as she got further and further down the corridor, he closed his mouth, and turned away to head to the door of his own quarters.

Sure, the guy Spock thought he was would have called Allison and fucked her until his mind was blank. But he was not that guy, no matter what Spock thought.

He entered his quarters.

“Captain.”

Jim blinked. Spock stood in the middle of his quarters, hands linked behind his back.

“Spock? What the hell are you doing here?”

Before Spock could answer, Jim launched himself at him. And until he reached Spock, Jim wasn’t sure if he would punch Spock in the face or devour him.

His fingers threaded through Spock’s silky dark hair as he crushed his mouth over the Vulcan’s cool lips. Apparently he had decided to devour.


	18. I'm Only Human

To say Spock was startled by Jim’s kiss would be an understatement. Dry, chapped lips covered his in a kiss that was anything but gentle. For a moment, Spock did not—could not—react. It was the very last thing he expected from the enigmatic man who consumed his thoughts and dreams.

He stood there stiffly, his arms straight at his sides, trying to calm the shock. Just as he began to relax and he lifted his arms to Jim’s waist, Jim pulled away.

Blue eyes stared into him, through him, their fire unable to avoid.

“Jim—”

Jim’s fist connected with Spock’s jaw, sending him reeling. He had _not_ expected that, either. Spock staggered backward.

“Bastard,” Jim growled.

He came at Spock again, pushing him against the bulkhead in his quarters. Lips were on Spock’s again, hot and demanding. Spock’s hand rose to curl around the back of Jim’s neck as he softened his lips to accept the kiss.

Jim’s fingers grasped Spock’s uniform shirt, pulling him closer. Spock had never been kissed like this. With such passion, such desperation. His head swam.

Jim pulled away panting. He shook his head at Spock and then to Spock’s further shock, Jim’s fist connected with his jaw again.

Spock blinked and rubbed his aching jaw, moving out of range.

“What the fuck do you want?” Jim whispered, his voice husky, low. “Why are you here?”

Spock opened his mouth to respond and Jim was on him again, kissing him, knocking him flat on his back on the bed, his fingers threading through Spock’s hair, tugging not too gently as he bit at Spock’s lips. Jim lay atop him and Spock could feel his erection pressing against Spock’s leg. His own penis perked up in response, unable to resist the call of his mate.

This time when Jim pulled away, Spock grabbed both of Jim’s wrists to prevent him from striking Spock again.

“I will likely already have a bruised jaw,” Spock said quietly.

Jim’s blue eyes had turned glacial. “Can you let go of me?”

“Only if you will not hit me again.”

Jim yanked on his wrists but Spock did not budge. “You’re hurting me.”

“If you would not struggle, it would not hurt.”

“That’s what abusers say.”

Spock released Jim immediately. Jim got off the bed and folded his arms across his chest and under his arms. Spock sat up.

“Jim, I would not hurt you.”

“That’s what they all say, until they do.” Jim’s gaze was now scattered, flying all over his quarters, looking everywhere except at Spock.

“I am not your stepfather.”

Jim’s gaze landed on Spock. He was breathing hard.

“Nor Governor Kodos.”

“It’s always the ones who are supposed to care about you that hurt you the most.”

“Yes,” Spock acknowledged. “That can be true.”

“You shouldn’t even know about them. I never told you. Not willingly. You stole that information from my head.”

“It was not my intention. Our minds…have a strong affinity for each other.”

Jim snorted. “My brain has the hots for your brain?”

“Something very similar though that is simplified.”

“Too bad the rest of you doesn’t agree.”

“That is not true.”

Jim closed his eyes and sighed wearily. “Yeah, it is. You can go now. I’m done attacking you.”

“I very much desire to be with you.”

The blue eyes opened and Jim laughed. But there was very little mirth behind it. “You called me a filthy whore.”

Spock blinked in shock. “I did not. I would never use those words about you.”

“It’s the same. You said I was unworthy of you. That you would never want me. That due to my supposed promiscuity I was the furthest thing from an ideal mate you could imagine.”

“My words were ill chosen.”

“I’ll say. You really know how to be brutally honest. But you were honest at least.” Jim shook his head. “You don’t know anything about me. Not anything you haven’t taken from my brain without my permission anyway. I don’t sleep around like you think I do. I’ve had sex. Sure. I’ve even had a lot of sex. And so what? I wasn’t in a relationship with anyone at the time. It doesn’t make me anything but human and who I am. It never meant I couldn’t be with just you or just anyone. I’m not defined by my sexuality. Or my so-called promiscuity.”

“I regret that conversation very much.”

“Oh, believe me. I do too. I should never have opened up to you. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me?” Jim went to the door and opened it. “Get out.”

“Jim—”

“I’m done with this, Spock.”

“I think we need to talk. There are things between us—”

Jim laughed again. That mirthless laugh Spock had begun to both dread and hate. “There is nothing between us, Commander.”

“I hold you in high regard.”

“You hold me in—oh for fuck’s sake. You have to be kidding me.”

“I am not.” Spock went to the release for the door and pressed it to close. “You have always been of utmost importance to me. I did not recognize it as soon as I should and I said some things I should not have said.”

Jim turned away.

“Do not dismiss me now. You still care for me. I know you do.”

“Oh, and how is that?”

“Your kisses.”

“That was about sex. Remember? I’m all about sex.”

Spock stepped close and put his hands on Jim’s arms, turning Jim to face him. Those expressive eyes held much hurt and anger. “I kissed you first.”

Jim’s gaze searched his. “The finger thing.”

“Affirmative. I am…not very good with emotions.”

“No kidding?”

“I have struggled all my life to control and suppress them. To become fully Vulcan. I once thought of purging my emotions. Before I joined Starfleet. I did not want them. I only wanted logic and analysis. And with you, I lose control of them. It…dismays me.”

“I’m not exactly thrilled either,” Jim said softly.

Spock moved one of his hands to Jim’s jaw, his thumb grazing across Jim’s bottom lip. “I deeply regret hurting you with my cruel words. And if they have cost me you for the rest of my time, then I will regret them tenfold.” He leaned his forehead against Jim’s. “You are correct in that I should leave.”

“Spock—”

“If I stay, we will likely become intimate, for I want you and I know you want me. And you are not ready for that. Not with how it stands between us. Our minds…do not take what I say about their affinity for each other lightly, Jim. Intimacy between us would likely formalize a bond that you are not prepared to endure.”

“A bond?” Jim blinked, his mouth opening in shock. “Between us?”

Spock hesitated but then nodded. “It was why I was able to enter your mind so easily. Some rare bonds can form between compatible minds. I believe ours have formed such a preliminary bond.”

“How? We’ve never melded. At least not before that day.”

“I am uncertain—”

“Wait. I-the Spock from the other timeline. He melded with me on Delta Vega.”

Spock was surprised at the sudden flash of jealousy he felt. “For what purpose?”

“To show me what he’d been through.” Jim shook his head. “It was intense.”

“He harmed you?”

Jim licked his lips. “Not exactly. But I wouldn’t call it pleasant.”

“That could have been it. Or-or when you came back on board the Enterprise after your ordeal on Delta Vega.”

“When?”

“During the time when I was emotionally compromised, I briefly touched your mind.”

“When you were choking me?”

Spock nodded. “It happened very fast and was brief, but there was a-a sort of click at the time. I did not overanalyze it at the time.”

“Spock,” Jim whispered. “What are you telling me? That we’re basically already bonded? Like a Vulcan marriage or something?”

“Not fully, but the links are there, awaiting completion,” Spock replied. “Which is why I believe if we were intimate, it would formalize.”

“That’s-that’s fucked up.”

Spock tried not to wince, but he failed.

“Is that why you’re acting different toward me now? Because you realized you’re stuck with me? I may be far from the mate you think is ideal, but you’re stuck with me?” Jim stepped out of his arms. “What am I even supposed to do with this?”

“Jim—”

“I’m not even Vulcan. Why would my mind connect with yours?”

“I do not know.”

“Maybe you’re wrong.”

Spock shook his head. “I am not.”

“Please…go.”

“If that is what you wish.”

“I can’t even process this. I can’t have anyone in my head. Not like that. God.”

Spock inhaled sharply. “I will be in my quarters should you wish to discuss this further before shift.”

Jim nodded but said nothing. Just stared. His stance, his whole body language, was very defensive and not all accepting.

Spock swallowed and pressed the release for the door, leaving Jim behind.


	19. I Can Take So Much 'Til I've Had Enough

“Jim?”

Jim glanced at Bones from his seat at the bar. They’d had to stop at Rigel III to drop off a pain in the ass dignitary. Good riddance. After having to deal with Shran when he’d been aboard, Jim had been annoyed to be ferrying another ambassador. But he’d done it, there’d been no incidences, and he here was. Getting fucking drunk.

“Bones.”

Bones sat on the stool next to him. “What are you doing?”

Jim signaled for another drink. “What does it look like?”

“It looks like you’re getting shit-faced.”

"That would be it."

“You don’t do that. In spite of what some might think. And certainly not for a long time. What the hell?”

“If you’re here to join me, order a drink. If you’re here to lecture me, buzz off.”

Bones ordered a bourbon neat when the bartender set Jim’s drink in front of him. “How many is that?”

“I’m not counting.”

“Maybe you should be. You smell like a booze factory.”

“Didn’t I tell the lecturer to buzz off?” Jim grimaced and took a large swallow of his drink. It burned down his throat, just like he wanted.

“This is about Spock, isn’t it?”

Jim shrugged.

“What’s he done?”

Jim took another swallow. “Gone and gotten himself married.”

Bones frowned. “He what? To who? Wait. I need that bourbon first.”

The bartender returned with Bones’ drink and Jim asked for another.

“Who did he marry? Uhura?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “No. Good guess though.”

“Jim—”

“Me.”

“What?”

“Apparently Spock Vulcan married me or something. Who the fuck knows.”

“Vulcan married? You aren’t Vulcan.”

Jim snorted. “I kind of know that. Our minds connected or something. I don’t know how or why or when. I just know that’s what Spock said.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Spock doesn’t lie, Bones.”

”Son of a bitch,” Bones grumbled.

“Yeah. And now, because of that, he wants to be with me. Yippee.”

“He said that?”

“Uh-huh. So his principles about my slutty self goes out the window now that he knows we’ve mind fucked.” He grabbed the new drink the bartender had given him and downed it.

“Jim—”

“Bones.” Jim shook his head. “I can still feel.” He looked at his empty glass. “I can still feel.”

“I know,” Bones said softly. “What are you going to do?”

“Ask for a divorce?”

“Is that possible?”

“Well, not like a regular divorce I guess. Break the bond. I don’t know how it’s done, but I bet there’s a way. If Spock doesn’t know how, I bet he could ask Sarek. He’d probably love to help out breaking a bond with me.” Jim sighed. “Probably wants Spock to settle down with a nice Vulcan woman and have three-quarters babies.”

“They’d be whole babies.”

Jim eyed Bones. “You know what I mean.”

“I’m not even sure _you_ know what you mean, Jim.”

Suddenly Spock was standing there beside Bones and he did not look amused. Well, he never did, actually, but looked especially not amused at the moment.

“Commander,” Jim said.

“Captain.”

Bones glanced behind him. “Spock.”

“Doctor.”

“Well, now that we’ve established all that, what do you want?”

“You are slurring your words,” Spock pointed out. “Doctor, I am returning the captain to the Enterprise.”

Bones waved. “Be my guest.”

Jim batted at Spock’s hands as he went to grab him. “I’m not going with you.”

“We need to talk.”

“No, we don’t. And I want a divorce anyway.”

Spock looked as though he was fast losing patience. “I will carry you from here, if necessary. I would think you would not wish to be embarrassed.”

“Bones?”

“I’m on the hobgoblin’s side with this, Jim. You’re smashed. I don’t think you need any more to drink. It’s probably time to shove off anyway.”

Jim slid off the stool. If Spock hadn’t had his hands on him, Jim would have slipped to the floor. He pushed at Spock. “I can walk unassisted.”

He took one step and stumbled so Spock took his arm in an unnecessarily tight grip.

“Doctor, we will see you back at the ship.”

Jim said nothing while Spock manhandled him back to the Enterprise and then to his quarters. As soon as they were inside though, he shoved at Spock.

“Stop touching me.” Jim crossed his arms in front of his chest. “You can go now.”

“I heard what you said to the doctor.”

“Eavesdropping?”

“Yes.”

Jim shrugged. “You can hardly be surprised.”

“I am surprised and I do not agree.”

“Tough.”

“You are being childish and unreasonable. And you are incorrect.”

The room was spinning. He blinked. “Spock?”

“Yes?”

“I need to sit down.”

Spock let out a long breath and came to Jim, gently pushing him down to sit on the edge of the bed. He sat next to Jim. “Is that better?”

“I’m not sure. I may have had too much to drink.”

Spock arched a brow.

Jim stared at him for a while, neither of them saying anything. “I hate you,” he whispered.

“I know.”

“How do you know?”

“I feel it through our bond. You have much anger and sorrow. Your love is mixed with hate. With betrayal and anguish.”

Jim closed his eyes. “It’s really fucked up that I can’t hide anything from you. It’s like I’m flayed open.”

“You do not need to hide anything from me. You are my mate. My t’hy’la.”

“For now.”

“For always.”

“God, I feel sick.” Jim moaned, laying down on his back.

“You overindulged.”

“To put it mildly.”

“Why?”

“Because loving you really sucks.”

Spock’s fingers ghosted over Jim’s right cheek. “I am sorry I am such a disappointment to you.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“Jim—”

“You don’t get to be all wounded. I’m the one flayed open.”

“I think you underestimate the power of your emotions, of your words,” Spock said softly.

Jim opened his eyes and looked at Spock. But it was a mistake, because his stomach lurched. “I might throw up.”

“It is likely. Do you need assistance in getting to the bathroom?”

“No I…maybe.”

Spock stood up and scooped a protesting Jim up in his arms, like he was some damn bride. He carried him into the bathroom and had just set him down in front of the toilet when Jim heaved.

When he was finished, or he thought so after ten minutes of losing the contents of his stomach, Spock wiped his mouth with a wet cloth and then gave him a cup of water to rinse his mouth.

“Thanks,” Jim muttered.

Spock walked him back into the bedroom area and then pulled back the covers. “Do you wish to undress first? You will likely be more comfortable.”

Jim nodded. “I can do it.”

But Spock knelt down in front of him and pulled off his boots, then helped him out of his shirts. Jim was too miserable to be embarrassed or anything when Spock removed his pants, leaving him only in his underwear.

His eyes were closed even before Spock had tucked the covers around him.

“Lights at 10%,” Spock spoke quietly.

As Jim drifted off he thought he felt a gentle brush, like a caress, of his mind.   


	20. Something in the Way You Move Makes Me Feel Like I Can't Live Without You

“At the moment, Nyota, I am in the captain’s quarters watching over him,” Spock said softly into his communicator.

“Is he all right?”

“I believe so. He…overindulged.”

There was a slight pause. “That’s not like him. Not these days anyway.”

“I am the cause.”

“Spock—”

“There is no point in disputing it. I have wronged my t’hy’la. Spock out.”

He rose from behind the captain’s desk and went to the replicator for tea. He had been watching over Jim for hours. Once Jim had stirred restlessly but Spock had calmed him. Spock had spent an hour in meditation, but he’d spent it in Jim’s quarters. He had provided a report to Dr. McCoy also.

He detected movement from the bed so he brought over his tea and stood to look down at Jim. Blue eyes stared back at him.

“Spock?”

“Yes, Jim. How is your head?”

“Fuzzy. And a little painful. What are you doing in my quarters?”

“I have been here since you fell asleep. I wanted to ensure your welfare.” When he saw Jim struggling to sit up, Spock helped him. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Water for now. I need one of Bones’ miracle pills.”

“I already have one for you. I will bring it with the water.” Spock felt Jim’s gaze on him as he moved through the cabin. He retrieved the pill along with a glass of water for Jim and brought them back to him.

“”Thanks.” Jim lowered his gaze. “You can go now.”

“I would prefer to stay.” His heart beat sped up. If Jim sent him away—

“Fine,” Jim said wearily. “Whatever.” He took the pill and gulped down the water. His gaze rose to look at Spock. “I really don’t need a sentry.”

“But perhaps a friend?”

Jim let out a long breath and Spock once more feared being sent away. “Yeah. Okay. I need clothes though.”

“I will get them for you,” Spock said immediately. “What do you need?” He went to Jim’s closet and opened it.

“No! Wait!” Jim’s voice was anguished, panicked. He had reached the closet himself and ripped the door out of Spock’s hands.

But Spock had already seen into the closet. There were bags and boxes of food. Chips, cookies, crackers. He could not tell what all of it was. But there were lots in the bottom of the closet.

“Get away from there,” Jim said, angrily pushing Spock away. “You had no right. No right—” Jim had gone very white and now Spock saw that Jim’s eyes were welling with tears. He turned away, hugging himself. “You don’t understand.”

“Jim,” Spock said softly. He felt Jim’s agony, pain, sorrow, disappointment, shame, like a punch. It was crippling. And that Jim had been feeling this way and Spock did not know. Did not help. Was horrifying. He put his hands on Jim’s shoulders, gratified when Jim didn’t flinch away. “Perhaps I do not understand in the way I should, but I am aware, and I would do anything to take this torment from you.”

“You can’t,” Jim whispered. “No one can.”

“Perhaps not. But whatever you would share with me, I am here. And I do not wish to go anywhere else. If you will allow it, I will always be by your side.” Spock gently turned him to face him. “I am not worthy of your forgiveness. To harm one’s t’hy’la as I have done you is unforgiveable.”

Jim’s breath hitched. “I just want to get dressed.”

“All right. Where are your clothes so that I may assist you?”

Jim shook his head and went to a drawer inside the closet. He withdrew some casual lounge pants and a T-shirt. He pulled them on quickly, not meeting Spock’s gaze.

“Will you sit with me?” Spock asked holding out his hand for Jim.

Jim stared at Spock’s hand and after a moment he placed his hand in Spock’s. Spock drew him over to the couch and then sat, pulling Jim into his lap, very close.

“Is this all right, t’hy’la?”

“I don’t know.”

“I would do nothing to make you uncomfortable.”

Jim closed his eyes. “I didn’t want you to see that. I didn’t want anyone to see that. God, you just keep ripping me open.”

“I apologize. I keep-I keep hurting you.” Spock was aware of the hitch in his own voice. “May I stay with you?”

Jim met his gaze. The tears were gone, for which Spock was gratified. “For how long?”

“For eternity.” Spock tilted Jim’s chin back and kissed him softly.

“Spock, you can’t just kiss me like it’s nothing.”

“Believe me, ashayam, kissing you is about as far from being nothing as it can be.”

Jim sighed and closed his eyes again, leaning into Spock. “Head still hurts.”

Spock laid his hand on Jim’s head, gently massaging. “Can I stay?”

“For now, yeah,” Jim said quietly. “You can stay.” 


	21. I Can Do It, I'll Get Through It

Jim woke, lying on his back, staring at the ceiling of his quarters. Somehow he had ended up back in bed, though he had not recalled how he got there. He heard a slight noise from the direction of his desk. He straightened up onto his elbows.

“Why are you still here?” he demanded of Spock, who visibly flinched.

“You had advised that I could stay.”

“Not for hours upon hours.” Jim shook his head.

“I apologize. I thought—”

“Spock,” Jim said, wearily. “Listen. You need to realize that you and I are not a couple. We’re not in a relationship. I know you say we’re linked by a mind thing, the bond, whatever, Vulcan marriage, but the truth is, we’re not together. And in all likelihood we aren’t ever going to be together.”

“I see.” Spock’s gaze lowered until he was staring at the surface of Jim’s desk. Jim could clearly see he was trying to collect himself and that it took a great deal of effort.

Jim got up out of bed, glad he was still wearing clothes at least. He went to the side of the desk where Spock sat and crouched down in front of the Vulcan. “Spock?”

Spock’s gaze rose and he stared at Jim, his expression blank.

“You know we don’t belong together, right?”

“I-I cannot agree. You are my t’hy’la. It is almost the very definition of belonging together.”

“But don’t you see? You don’t love me. Not that way.”

“I do.”

Jim shook his head. “No. Your true feelings were revealed before you even knew about the bond. If you had a choice, you would never have bonded with me. You said those very words. Any…romantic affection you feel now is tied together with how you think you are supposed to feel.”

“You no longer love me,” Spock said dully.

“I do love you, Spock. And that’s why I can’t let you tie yourself to someone you don’t even want because of some ancient Vulcan curse.”

“It is not a curse.”

“It is to me,” Jim said softly. Perhaps the words were unduly cruel, he saw the way Spock’s shoulders seemed to dip in defeat. But still, it was true. He couldn’t make Spock stay with him just because it was Vulcan lore that they should be. “I want to break the bond.”

Spock stood abruptly, knocking Jim to the ground, right on his ass. Jim stared at him startled. Spock was shaking.

“Spock?”

“I have-I am experiencing physical turmoil.”

“What? Why?”

“I am being rejected by my t’hy’la.”

Jim got to his feet. “But—”

“Is this-is this what it was like for you?” Spock whispered. His face was contorted with anguish. His dark eyes were filled with unshed tears. “I did this to you?”

“Spock, don’t cry. Don’t.” Jim put his hands on Spock’s arms.

“It is so much worse. So much worse.”

“What is?”

“Then I thought. This pain.”

Jim swallowed the lump in his throat. “No. Spock, stop. I’m not trying to hurt you. Please.”

Spock frantically shook his head and went to pull away.

“No.” Jim curled his hand around the back of Spock’s neck. “It’s all right. I’m right here. Don’t cry.”

Spock closed his eyes and sagged against Jim, who wrapped his arms around him. “I am sorry. I am so sorry.”

Jim moved his hands to cradle Spock’s face. He kissed the tear-stained cheeks and then Spock’s mouth, softly, and then rather frantically. Spock cried out and then pulled Jim to him, returning Jim’s kiss fervently.

“Jim, Jim, Jim.”

“Spock, please. Spock.” Jim kissed Spock, over and over, crushing their lips together, thrusting his tongue into Spock’s warm moist mouth.

They fell to the floor as one, rolling together, tearing at each other’s clothes, until they were naked amongst the tatters of his torn shirt and pants together with Spock’s uniform.

Spock rolled them until Jim was on top, straddling him. Jim lifted himself until he was directly over Spock’s cock, hard and glistening with self-lubricant. He pushed down until he was fully impaled on Spock. His eyes briefly stung with tears, from the sting or the realization he had joined with Spock, he was not sure.

He rode Spock, hard, fast, frantic, and Spock pushed up into him with just as much urgency. Their hands touched, joined, clutched at each other, just as their bodies did.

It was more than sex. More than life.

It was…everything.

Just as his cock exploded with his release, he felt Spock’s presence in his mind, and their orgasms collided, became one, until they both shook with it.

Jim did not know if they would ever come down.     


	22. I Focus on the Pain, the Only Thing That's Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst alert

Spock found himself coming to in an empty bed. He did not even recall falling asleep. He’d been with Jim, completely with Jim, and then…he’d woke up alone.

Spock sat up. He was most definitely in Jim’s bed.

“Jim?”

Something was different. Very different. His mind—

“What did you do?” Jim demanded, coming in from the direction of the bathroom.

“What?”

“What the fuck did you do?”

“I—”

“You’re in my head. You’re everywhere. Get out!” Jim shouted angrily.

“Jim.” Spock rose from the bed and reached for his clothing to get dressed. “It is the bond.”

“The bond.”

“I believe it was fulfilled when we copulated.”

“Fulfilled? What the hell does that mean?”

Spock finished straightening his clothes. “Completed. We have fully bonded.”

He felt immense rage and fear coming off of Jim. And in his own mind a rush of thoughts, none of them pleasant.

“Is that why I can feel you in my mind, hear your thoughts?”

Spock nodded. “Yes.”

“Well, stop it.” Jim was seething, clenching his fists.

Spock took a calming breath. “I do not know how.”

“What?”

“I am unfamiliar with the bond we have. It is different than the traditional Vulcan bonds conducted through ceremonies as children. Ours is a t’hy’la bond. It is not the same.”

“Can’t you shield?”

“I have tried, but my normal methods are not working.”

Jim grasped the sides of his head. “Stop it, stop it. God.”

“Jim, Jim, please.”

Jim dropped to his knees. “Oh my God. The anguish. The pain. Spock, Spock, please. Stop.”

Spock knelt beside his mate. “I cannot. I am reacting to your torment. It is so much.”

“Get out of my head. The thoughts, my feelings, they’re mine. You can’t—”

“Jim, I am not unsympathetic. Your thoughts and feelings are overwhelming me. I cannot control them. It is affecting me also.”

Jim’s eyes were filled with unshed tears. “How do we stop this?”

“I do not know.”

“You don’t know? Can’t we break it? Break this bond? You didn’t answer me before. Can we break it?”

Spock experienced new torment, so intense, he could barely breathe. His mind screamed.

Jim cried out. “Stop!”

“I am not doing it on purpose. You-the Vulcan in me rebels against you wishing to break our bond. It is a special, revered bond. I am not even certain severing it can be done.”

Jim closed his eyes. “This is exactly what I didn’t want.”

“Clarify.”

Jim opened his eyes, shook his head. “To be tied to you.”

Spock barely suppressed the painful shudder. “Am I so abhorrent to you now?”

“Yes! No! Not the way you’re talking about. You don’t love me.”

“You keep insisting I do not, when in fact I do,” Spock retorted.

“It’s your fucking bond that’s telling you that.”

“It is our bond.”

“No,” Jim insisted. “I want no part of it. I’m human. I don’t have mind connections. I don’t want that.”

“You do not mean that. I refuse to believe you do not love me or want me. We were just intimate.”

Jim narrowed his eyes. “That was just sex. Just like you said. I just like sex. Sex with everyone. I’m nothing but a piece of trash.” His voice broke on that last.

“No,” Spock whispered. “Never. And I know you are lying.”

“That’s so fucking unfair.”

“It is perhaps,” Spock acknowledged. “But true nevertheless.”

“Right now I hate you,” Jim whispered.

“I am very aware of that,” Spock said softly. “I feel it like a disease eating me.”

Jim’s gaze lowered. “It’s too much. It hurts.”

“I will learn to shield us. Until then…” Spock resigned himself to the necessity of this. He reached over and as gently as he could he pinched Jim unconscious. As he fell into his arms, Spock whispered, “I am sorry, ashaya.”

He then commed Dr. McCoy.

When McCoy arrived he spotted Jim lying unconscious on the bed. “What happened?” He hurried to Jim.

“I neck pinched him.”

McCoy glared in his direction. “What?”

Spock clenched his hands together behind his back. “I need you to keep him sedated in the medbay.”

“What? For what?”

Spock hesitated. “He is in distress. Mental distress. I would seek to spare him from that until I have discovered a way to shield us both.”

“What in the hell are you talking about, you hobgoblin?”

“Jim is my mate.”

“Your what?”

“We are bonded,” Spock said, struggling for patience.

“Bonded? Since when?”

“The bond was completed tonight. Jim did not wish for it to be completed.”

“You bonded with him against his will? I am sure that’s against at least a hundred regulations, not to mention—”

“Dr. McCoy, I do not have time for your emotional histrionics. Will you keep the captain under your watch in the medbay or not?”

Dr. McCoy tensed. “For how long?”

“Until I can provide stability for both of us. I do not anticipate it will be a lengthy amount of time but I am unable to speculate on the exact time.”

“Sometimes I really do wonder if a heart beats somewhere in that robot body of yours,” McCoy said. “But yes, I’ll take care of Jim. But if you think this is over between us, Spock, you are wrong.”


	23. 'Cause I Know What I've Been Missing And I Know That I Should Try

Jim seldom woke peacefully and this was no exception. He woke abruptly, with a start, his heart racing so hard it might have exploded out of his chest if the chest wall was thinner. For a moment he felt rising panic. He was flat on his back in what could only be a hospital. It took him several seconds to recall he was not a young boy with cords and plugs and all sorts of other apparatus hooked to him. A mad man intent on torture and assault did not loom over him.

Jim turned his head. The Medbay.

“Jim?” Softly spoken, as though he were a deer to be frightened away.

Jim frowned as Bones came into view above him. “Bones?”

Bones stroked fingers across Jim’s forehead. They felt cool, and Jim was sure they were meant to soothe, but at the moment they just made his skin crawl. He grimaced and the fingers were gone.

“Why the fuck am I in the medbay? And straighten me up. I hate lying flat.”

Bones did just that, angling the bed so Jim sat up. “How’s your neck?”

“My neck?”

“Spock.”

Jim licked his lips, nodding as it began to come back to him. “Neck pinch?”

“Right.”

Jim’s mind was…all right. He did not feel Spock. He felt…just…blankness.

“How do you feel, Jim?”

“All right. A little…bereft.” He couldn’t explain it. It didn’t feel bad exactly just…wrong.

“Fucking hobgoblin.”

Jim startled, taken aback. “Bones—”

“Listen, Jim, we can have Spock up on charges.”

“Charges for what?”

“He told me he forced a bond on you. And I’m not an idiot,” Bones said with a grimace. “I know that’s some sort of Vulcan marriage that’s way more involved than a regular human marriage.”

“Bones, it wasn’t like that.”

“Wasn’t like what? Jim, he told me himself.”

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. He was getting a headache. “He didn’t force me. Not like you mean. It wasn’t something he could help. It’s-It’s complicated.”

“Meaning it’s none of my damn business.” Bones’ expression closed off.

“No, it’s not that.” Jim blew out a breath.

“Jim, a short time ago you were devastated because Spock callously rejected you. Now, I find out he somehow bonded with you—and I know that’s a big deal—and what? I’m supposed to be okay with all of this now?”

“No. I don’t know, Bones. He says he loves me.”

“Loves you? Spock? He doesn’t know what love is, Jim. He’s not capable of it in that robot body of his.”

Jim shook his head. “In many ways Vulcans feel more deeply than humans.”

“Vulcans? You gotta be kidding me.”

“Where is he?”

“In his quarters. He locked himself up there after he told me he successfully shielded your minds. He’s been there ever since. I’ve had you both off duty.”

“There’s nothing physically wrong with me, right?”

“Well, no,” Bones said with obvious reluctance.

“Then I can leave the medbay?”

“Jim—”

“I can’t stay here, Bones. I’m already on the verge of hyperventilating.”

Bones stared at him, unsmiling for a long time. “Spock loves you, huh?”

“Yeah. I believe him.”

“Do you?”

“I think he believes he loves me, yeah.”

Bones frowned. “That sounds weird the way you’re wording it.”

Jim sighed. “It’s all tied up with this bond of his. It’s some kind of curse and he doesn’t see that. Because you know, Vulcans revere their bonds. We both know if our minds hadn’t decided to connect because we were t’hy’la or whatever, he never would have actually chosen to be with me as a mate or anything else.”

“Theela?”

“It’s some ancient warrior bond thing. Very rare I guess. Supposedly that’s the connection we share, which is why I said he didn’t really force it on me. Not intentionally anyway. Once I convince him this isn’t real, not like he deserves, we’ll find some way to break the bond.”

“Can bonds be broken, Jim?” Bones asked doubtfully. “Other than by death?”

“I don’t know, but I think so. I need to talk to Spock.”

“And you’re sure you’re okay?”

“It doesn’t hurt anymore but it-it feels off.”

“Because it’s not supposed to be in your head,” Bones replied.

Jim wasn’t sure if that was it but he was weary of arguing with his friend. He slipped off the biobed and stood. Impulsively he hugged Bones, though generally he did not find hugs especially comforting. Mostly because when he was growing up his mom would hug him whenever he got upset, like that made everything she did and didn’t do—all the neglect and leaving him with Frank—better. It was bullshit.

Jim patted Bones’ back. “Thanks, Bones. I know you always have my back.”

“I do.” Bones squeezed Jim and then released him.

Jim left the medbay and made his way to the turbolift. He leaned against the bulkhead, still feeling the emptiness in his mind, a weird blankness he hadn’t known before sex with Spock completed their bond.

While the completed bond had been difficult to deal with, Jim wasn’t sure this strange void was much better. The lift opened on the officers’ quarters deck and Jim headed down the corridor toward his rooms.

He glanced toward Spock’s door, wondering if he ought to just go straight there. But no he felt beat. He needed a shower and maybe something to eat before he faced anything to do with Spock.

Jim entered his quarters.

Spock sat on the edge of his bed.

For some reason Jim wasn’t the least bit surprised.

Spock stood.

“Bones told you he released me?” Jim asked softly.

“Yes.”

“I was coming to see you.”

“Were you?”

“Yes. I was going to take a shower and eat first.”

Spock stared at him, his dark eyes incredibly intense. “Your mind…it feels better now?”

Jim licked his lips. Somehow he took a step closer. He couldn’t remember moving. “I’m not sure.”

Spock tilted his head. “I am shielding.”

“Just you or both of us?”

“Both. I thought it was best for you if we were both shielded.”

Jim bit his lip. He now stood directly in front of Spock. So close he could feel Spock. Or it seemed so. “And you?”

“Clarify.”

“How is it for you?”

Spock did not look away, but continued to stare into Jim’s eyes. It made him feel unexpectedly vulnerable. “It is…tolerable.”

“Really?”

“Vulcans do not lie.”

Jim nodded. “That’s bullshit.”

“Jim—”

He put his hand on Spock’s chest. “Are you all right?”

Spock blinked, looked away from Jim at last which made him look…lost. “I am trying.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I do not know what solution will work for both of us. I would prefer the one which will work for you.”

“I feel…strange.”

“You still feel torment?” Spock’s hand came up to cover Jim’s hand.

“Not exactly. It’s blank. Like a void.”

Spock nodded. “It is the same for me.”

“Should we—”

“Negative. I will not put you at risk.  Not until I know how it will affect you.”

“But-”

“Do not ask this of me,” Spock said softly.

Jim swallowed heavily. “Okay.”

“You are hungry?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“I will leave you to it then.” Spock stepped back and made to move around Jim to head to the door.

“I…Spock?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry for the way-I kind of went nuts on you before and I-I didn’t handle it well.”

“It is all right. Goodnight, Jim.”

Jim closed his eyes. “Spock?”

“Yes?”

“Would you-will you stay with me?” Jim couldn’t turn around and look at Spock. If he rejected him again, Jim was sure he wouldn’t survive.

“You are giving me mixed signals,” Spock said very softy.

He clenched his eyes tight. “You-you’re right. Sorry. It’s okay.”

He heard Spock’s footsteps behind him. Then hands were on his arms, a gentle touch. “I will stay.”


	24. Mine, Immaculate Dream, Made Breath and Skin, I've Been Waiting for You

“What may I obtain for you?” Spock asked into the growing silence. Jim had moved away from him again, carefully putting distance between himself and Spock.

Jim took a long time to answer, just staring at Spock in a sort of odd confusion.

“You indicated you were hungry,” Spock gently reminded him.

“Oh.” Jim nodded. “Anything. I’m not all that picky, really.”

Spock moved to the replicator. “Is that because of Tarsus IV?”

Even without turning around, he became aware of Jim tensing.

“I don’t talk about it.”

“I am…aware of your eating disorders.”

“I don’t have any disorders,” Jim replied, his voice cold. “And you obtained information about that against my will and without my permission. You harvested my memories.”

“It is not harvesting your memories. At least as I understand the reference.” Spock returned to Jim holding a plate with muffins and fruit. All of which he knew Jim was not allergic to and could eat.

Jim took the plate and then sat in the chair behind his desk, his eyes hooded. “Humans are really protective of the one thing they can control. Their thoughts and memories. Those are private. Or they are supposed to be. And when they are not—”

“It was never my intention to be invasive. Our bond and our minds affinity for each other was something I had not anticipated and could not prepare for.”

“If even you are surprised by it, you can imagine how I feel.” Jim toyed with the blueberries on his plate.

“Please eat,” Spock urged softly. He brought over a chair from Jim’s living room area and set it in front of the desk. He sat there.

Jim nodded slowly, lapsing into silence as he ate most of the fruit and then the two muffins.

“More?” Spock asked.

“No. Listen, Spock, we need to talk.”

“I would prefer that you rest. I am certain Dr. McCoy released you from the medbay with the condition that you rest in your quarters.”

Jim dismissed this with a wave of his hand. “I wasn’t injured.”

“You experienced mental anguish and pain.”

“And you?” Jim asked. “Are you experiencing mental anguish and pain?”

The bond was a void. Cold and dark. It was distasteful to a Vulcan to have their bond treated thusly. And it was taking every bit of mental strength he had to shield their minds from each other and it was most unpleasant.

“It is tolerable.”

“Which means you are.” Jim sighed. “I don’t want you to suffer.”

“I am not suffering.” Exactly. “And I see no alternative at present.”

Jim turned pensive as he rose and discarded his plate in the chute to be washed and sanitized. He ordered a beverage from the replicator, checking with Spock to see if he required one, and after Spock declined, returned to his seat holding a cup of tea in his hands, which he seemed to be using for warmth.

“The way I see it, we have two options.”

Spock was not sure he wanted to listen to Jim’s ‘options’ but was aware Jim could be extremely obstinate. So he waited for the captain to continue.

“Either unshield the bond so that we become accustomed to it or have it severed. I presume we’d have to go to New Vulcan and have a Vulcan healer or whatever do that.”

Jim’s tone left no question in Spock’s mind which option he preferred. However rather than shy away from Jim’s cold blue eyes, Spock met his gaze, almost defiantly. “There is a third option.”

Both of Jim’s brows rose. “Oh?”

“Continue to shield it, block it if you will, and continue as we currently are.”

“Don’t Vulcans need their bonds to thrive?”

“Indeed. Therefore severing it would hardly seem a viable option,” Spock pointed out.

“Yeah.” And Jim waved his hands. “But then you could find someone else to bond with. Someone more suitable.”

It took everything he had and was made of not to wince at the slight emphasis Jim put on that last word. Spock was painfully aware he deserved any disdain or scorn he received from Jim, yet that did not mean he was immune to the hurt.

“I assure you I find you infinitely suitable,” Spock said quietly. He knew Jim would not listen, but he had to say it anyway.

“You didn’t before.” Jim’s voice was just as soft. “What’s changed?”

Before Spock could even respond, Jim plunged ahead.

“I know what changed. You found out that we had this bond thing of yours and you were forced to resign yourself to it.”

“Jim—”

“Or maybe that’s not putting it quite right. Once you recognized it, it manipulated you into thinking you love me.”

“It does not work that way.”

“It must. I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life, Spock. And adding you forced to be with me when you don’t really love me isn’t going to be another one. Because you didn’t love me before.” Jim had stood up and was now pacing agitatedly.

“I did—”

“You did not.” Jim was almost shouting.

Spock rose also, joining Jim in his agitation. “I never said I did not love you. Vulcans do not lie.”

Suddenly those blue eyes flashed fire. “You’re lying right fucking now. What the hell does I don’t return your feelings mean if not I don’t love you? You can argue fucking semantics all day long with me, Spock. It’s meaningless. You didn’t want to be with me. And I have to accept that. I’ve tried. But you jerking me around with this-this bond shit and now telling me that you _do_ in fact return my feelings is such bullshit.”

Spock took each one of Jim’s words like a lash. He tried not to flinch but he didn’t think he succeeded. “My words were ill-chosen. I was startled by your declaration having not anticipated it.”

“You never once suspected I was in love with you?” Jim demanded.

“I did not. I am…unused to affection of that nature.”

“Uhura—”

“The lieutenant and I shared a number of common interests when we met and while I did and do care for Nyota the depth of my affection never reached the degree that it did with you,” Spock tried to explain, fearing it was futile. “When you declared your feelings I had not even fully examined my own toward you though Nyota had expressed a belief to me that I had something of an obsession with you. And I believed that even if you did think yourself in love with me, you would refuse to engage in a monogamous relationship. That someone such as me—who shies away from emotions and public displays of just about any kind—could never make someone as dynamic and gregarious as you content.”

Jim was just staring at him now. The anger was gone from his eyes but it was replaced by something Spock had no hope of understanding. He had ceased to pace, but now he stood in the middle of his quarters staring at Spock with an intensity that made Spock ache.

The tongue came out, tracing the lips, and Spock watched every single movement, mesmerized. His breath stilled when Jim took a step toward him. Spock’s arms were at his sides but his fingers twitched with the need to feel Jim’s bare skin. To touch that which should be his. To absorb all the emotions, everything that was his t’hy’la.

Another two steps and Jim stood right in front of Spock. If Spock reached out he would touch him. And yet…he hesitated. He sought direction from Jim. How should he act? What should he do?

As he met Jim’s gaze he was lost in the blue depths, that seemed so saturated as to be unreal.

“What do you want, Spock?” Jim whispered. “Which option do you really want?”

“I want the option that does not disconnect you from me.”

“The bond…unshielded?” Jim licked his lips again. “I-I don’t know if I can do that. It’s so much. And there’s…my mind is not a great place to be.”

“I know you are afraid. I would tell you there is no need, but I also know you will not believe me. I understand the complexities of the human mind with regard to privacy.”

“Do you? Because damn. I just-I have nothing if not my own thoughts.”

“I hope you will allow me to show you in time that it is not at all like you believe it is and there is no harvesting of your brain or knowing every single thought you have.” Spock took a chance and lifted his hand to Jim’s face. He spread his fingers out over the bare skin. He let out a shuddering breath.

“Are you all right?” Jim asked.

“For a Vulcan, touching his mate’s skin is necessary for peace of mind.”

“So, like you’re touch starved?”

“Essentially, yes.” Spock moved his other hand to Jim’s waist and when there was no protest or attempt to move away, he slid his hand under the uniform shirts to the bare skin of Jim’s lower back. The bond buzzed beneath the surface, an ache to be set free. Spock ruthlessly tamped it down. For now the touch of Jim’s skin would be enough.

Jim tilted his face just a little but it was as though it was an invitation and one that Spock could not resist. He touched his mouth to Jim’s. And perhaps it was a mistake for it only made Spock want more. He’d had Jim. He knew what perfection was. Knew perfection for him anyway. And he wanted it again. Wanted Jim again. With an ache that could bring him to his knees.   

He broke the soft kiss and leaned his forehead against Jim’s. Even this contact soothed him. If Jim sent him away now, Spock would beg to stay.

“You are tired, ashaya,” Spock said, placing a chaste kiss on Jim’s forehead. “Allow me to watch over you while you sleep.”

He felt a hum of something through their contact but he could not quite place it. Jim nodded though.

“Okay. I’m kind of too exhausted to argue with you anyway.”

He allowed Jim to feel a trace of his amusement as he said, “That would be a first.”

Jim drew back and smiled rather quizzically at him. “You want some tea or something?”

“I will get it. You get undressed and into bed.”

By the time Spock turned around from the replicator, Jim was already lying in his bed, covers drawn up. His eyes were not yet closed but they would be shortly. Spock went to the other side of the bed and sat against the headboard with his tea. He waited for Jim to protest him being in his bed, but when Jim just murmured and fell asleep, Spock was gratified.


	25. Take Me Somewhere I'll Be Safe

When Jim stepped out of the turbolift and onto the bridge, Spock was already at his station, but his gaze went to Jim immediately. Jim nodded in his direction and went immediately to his chair.

“Status report.”

“The distress call from the planet, Timiron, came in twenty minutes ago, Captain,” Uhura said. “The second most populous city, Fair Harbor, reported being under attack.”

“By?”

“Unknown, sir.”

“How long until we reach Timiron, Mr. Chekov?”

“Still thirty minutes away, Keptin.”

“Not good enough. We need a way to make it there sooner.”

“Ve are already going at warp four.”

“Make it six.”

“But Mr. Scott—”

“Do it.” Jim hit the comm on his chair. He was aware of Spock rising to stand next to him. “Scotty, I need more power to the engines.”

“Captain, the dilithium is already at minimum, we missed picking it up because of that Ion storm—”

“I want results not excuses, Scotty.”

A pause. “Aye, Captain.”

“Kirk out.” Jim glanced to Spock, but his first officer said nothing.

They were nearing the orbit of Timiron when Uhura called him.

“Captain?”

“Yes, Uhura?”

“I’ve lost the signal with Fair Harbor, sir.”

Jim rose and went to her station. “Can you get it back?”

“Trying, sir.” Uhura pushed several buttons. Her worried gaze flew back to Jim. “There’s nothing, Captain. Just silence.”

“There are five hundred thousand people in Fair Harbor,” Jim said.

“Not anymore,” Spock spoke from his own station. “There are no signs of life, Captain. Evidence of explosive debris.”

Jim shook his head. “Get the main government of Timiron. The city of Ainsley.”

After a moment, Uhura shook her head. “No response, Captain.”

Jim turned and walked toward Spock. “Ainsley, Mr. Spock?”

“All indications are that they are currently under attack. Unknown origin.”

“Any enemy ships in the area?”

“None that our sensors detect.”

“Romulans? A cloaking device?”

“Unknown.”

Jim turned toward Uhura. “Orders from Starfleet Command?”

She swallowed heavily. “They want use to investigate, Captain.”

“Prepare a landing party. I want security and medical personnel.”

“Aye, sir.”

Jim headed toward the turbolift, but Spock was on his heels.

“Captain, I will lead the landing party,” Spock said, as he got inside the lift.

“I need you on the bridge, Spock.”

“It is unsafe for you to lead the party. As the ship’s captain—”

“Spock, don’t argue with me. I hate that.”

“You are making an irresponsible decision,” Spock said sharply.

“How so?”

“As captain—”

“Don’t give me that shit, Spock. We’ve been over this before. I’m going. You’re not. Not this time. I need someone who knows what they’re doing on the bridge.”

Spock looked like he had been struck. “Jim.”

“Fuck. I’m sorry. I know that sounds like-like before. But that’s not what I meant.” Jim got in Spock’s space and pushed him against the bulkhead. “It’s going to be all right, Spock.”

“You cannot promise that.”

“I can and I am. Nothing will happen to me this time. Okay?”

“You do not even know what is down there and I—”

The lift doors opened and Jim stepped away, exiting with Spock once more on his heels. He followed Jim all the way into the transporter room where Bones and several security officers already waited.

Spock did not say anything further but Jim knew he was upset. Outwardly he looked calm, but Jim knew he was anything but. And he knew some of that came from their bond and how that was—since Spock was supposed to be currently shielding both of them—he didn’t know, but he could feel Spock’s distress and it was palpable.

Jim got on the transporter pad and said, “Energize.”

****

“Kirk to Enterprise. Come in Enterprise.” Jim tried again. He’d been trying for the last forty damn minutes. No signal. He was exhausted, beaten, battered, and pretty sure he was losing blood. But that was nothing compared to Bones, who lay unconscious beside him. Bones had a gash in his side that was ugly and oozing an alarming amount of blood. Three of the security guards he’d brought with him were dead.

Ainsley was still under attack by a savage group of aliens who had decided to invade Timiron when their own planet had become uninhabitable. That they’d used a bomb on Fair Harbor, likely making it uninhabitable didn’t seem to occur to them. Much of Ainsley had already passed into their hands and, apparently, most of the other cities on Timiron. Jim had learned they’d blown up Fair Harbor because the President had been there and the aliens, calling themselves, Litharians, wanted to make an example so that the rest of the cities would fall easier to their control.      

Jim had intended to retreat to the Enterprise for now for further instructions from Starfleet. This seemed to be more than his ship could handle at present by themselves. But their signals were blocked.

And Bones was dying. Maybe he was too.

“Kirk to Enterprise.” Jim’s teeth chattered together. He was fucking freezing. “Goddamn it, Spock! Where are you?”

He knew that wasn’t fair. If he could get through to Spock, he knew Spock would help. He should have just told Spock to get his ship out of there, safely away from these fuckers. They didn’t seem to have the capacity to destroy the Enterprise, but Jim didn’t want to take any chances. And with all the innocent citizens on Timiron, Jim was pretty sure their orders wouldn’t be to destroy the planet.

“Jim?”

“Bones?” Jim scooted closer to his friend. Bones eyes were open but they were vacant, unseeing. He swallowed. “I’m right here.”

“Hurts.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away. But you’re going to be okay.”

“It’s not nice to lie to your doctor.”

“It’s no lie,” Jim said fiercely. “I won’t let you die. It’s my turn to save you.” Even as he said he knew the situation was hopeless. They had managed to find a place to hide, temporarily. An old dilapidated building that looked like it hadn’t been used in years. But with no way to contact the ship it was only a matter of time before the Litharians found them. And he didn’t even know if Bones would make it that long. “I don’t believe in no-win scenarios.”

“How-How bad is it, Jim?”

Jim let out a shaky breath. His sight was blurring, probably dust from the building, certainly couldn’t be because he was crying or anything. “Pretty bad. We’ve lost three men. The two remaining guards are injured. You’re injured.”

“You?”

“Nah, I’m right as rain,” Jim lied.

“And a terrible liar.”

“I can’t contact the ship,” Jim admitted. “They’re blocking us. I don’t know how to tell you this, Bones, but…this may be it.”

“That’s the first honest thing you’ve said since I woke up.”

“Yeah. So.” Jim touched his hand to Bones’ face. “So, I guess. If I have to die for real this time, at least it’s with you.”

Bones coughed. There was blood in his spittle. “That’s a comfort.”

Jim opened his mouth to say something but then stopped when he heard a rather large explosion off in the distance.

“What was that?”

“I don’t know. More fighting I guess.”

But even as he spoke, Jim heard a slight buzz and then felt the familiar breakup of his particles. Only seconds later he reappeared on the transporter pad. Bones was beside him on the pad next to him.

Scotty was behind the controls and Spock was standing in front of the transporter.

“Captain,” Spock exclaimed.

“Quick, Spock, it’s Bones, he’s dying.”

Spock rushed forward to scoop up Bones in his arms. “Captain, are you?”

“I’m fine. Just get him to the medbay. I’ll be right behind.” Jim looked back to the security guards who arrived with them. “You two, can you walk to the medbay yourselves?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Do it.”

Jim took a step forward and landed in a heap.


	26. When You’re Standing in the Shadow I Could Open Up the Sky

Spock could not recall the last time he slept. While it was true Vulcans needed less than humans, it did not mean they needed none. He was barely controlling his exhaustion. But control it he must. He had no time for sleep, no time for meditation. He had been on duty for days straight. And there right there was proof of his physical compromise because he was unable to calculate how many hours or days it actually had been.

When he was not on the bridge, he was in the medbay. He hovered over his unconscious captain, trying from sheer will to get Jim to wake, but it had been unsuccessful. Jim remained in a coma. At first it had been medically induced once Dr. Macintyre had stopped all the internal bleeding and repaired the many wounds Jim had hidden from everyone. But Dr. Macintyre had attempted to wake Jim from the coma and Jim had not done so.

Spock had to rely on Dr. Macintyre since Dr. McCoy was in the biobed directly next to the captain. As Jim had declared when they’d returned from the disastrous mission, McCoy had been dying. If the captain and doctor had not been rescued when they had been, McCoy would have definitely succumbed to his severe injuries.

There had been three times since being rescued that the doctor almost died anyway. Macintyre had now declared McCoy ‘out of the woods’ though he would still need several days of recovery in the medbay. He, too, was unconscious.

Mr. Scott spent whatever time Spock was in the medbay on the bridge. Spock was aware he was likely also exhausting the chief engineer. Although he was aware Mr. Scott had managed to get some sleep, which Spock had ordered himself.

Spock currently sat in a chair by Jim’s biobed, PADD in hand, attempting to see to the numerous reports Starfleet required, both on the mission, and the routine reports that were Jim’s normal responsibility, and his own science department reports.

“What are you doing?” Nyota asked, thrusting a cup of strong smelling tea into Spock’s hands.

“Reports.”

“Let me do them. You need rest.”

“As several of them are the captain’s reports, they are classified, and it is against regulations to give you access.”

Nyota blew out a breath. “Who cares about regulations, Spock? You’re killing yourself. Kirk wouldn’t want that.”

“I am not so sure.”

“I am.” She pulled up a chair from Spock knew not where and sat beside him. “I know Kirk hasn’t fully forgiven you for all that you said to him, but Spock, whether he wants to or not, he cares about you. Very much.”

“I have been a fool,” Spock said softly. “The one that I should have cherished the most I have harmed to a completely unforgiveable degree. My mother would rightly be ashamed of me.”

“Oh, Spock, that’s not true. Remember what you told me she said? She’d be proud of you no matter what.”

Spock shook his head. “She would not be of me now. She did not know the depths of my depravity and shame.”

“Spock, everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. She knew that. And so does Kirk.”

“He does not waken. Perhaps he believes he has no reason.”

She shook her head. “You’re not thinking logically because of your lack of sleep. Scotty’s on the bridge. Kirk is still in a coma. You should try to sleep. Even a few hours. You name the time and I’ll wake you up.”

“I must do these reports,” Spock insisted. “Though my capabilities of functioning are diminished, I still am able to function enough for these.”

“God, I wish I could pinch your neck,” she said with a huff. “You’re so stubborn.”

“When he awakens I will attempt to sleep,” Spock told her.

“Spock, what if he ne—”

“Do not say that,” Spock cut in coldly.

She bit her lip. “He will, I know. I just want you to be prepared for anything.”

“I cannot be prepared for that.”

Nyota sighed and touched his arm. “If Leonard was awake he’d take you off duty due to emotional compromise.”

Spock stiffened.

“And don’t try to tell me you aren’t. You’re a wreck, Spock. Does-does Kirk really mean that much to you?”

“The fact that you ask me that tells me you know absolutely nothing about me.”

Spock saw Nyota flinch and he supposed his words were cruel. But he found he had little energy or will to take them back. Jim was his t’hy’la, his mate, and Nyota had spent quite some time as his girlfriend, and yet, she still doubted how Spock felt about someone as significant as Jim?

She removed her hand from his arm and locked her fingers together. “I guess that does seem like a stupid question to you. It’s just…you’ve always reacted more to anything involving him than you ever did with me. And sometimes…it’s hard for me.”

“I am sorry, Nyota.” And Spock meant that. It had never been his intention to hurt her. He genuinely cared about her.

“I know. And I guess some of it’s my own fault. I pretended I didn’t see a lot of the signs. I didn’t want to. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I did for you, Spock.”

“Nyota—”

“I know. I do. Really. I also feel like some of this with Kirk is my fault.”

Spock glanced at her, surprised. “How?”

“I encouraged your perception that he was overly promiscuous. Instead I should have encouraged you to talk to him.”

Spock shook his head. “My mistakes are my own. I do not blame you.”

“I’m going to go now. But I haven’t given up on trying to get you to sleep.” Nyota stood and then leaned down to kiss his forehead.

When she was gone, Spock stood up and moved close to Jim. His face was so pale and there were still traces of bruising under the skin’s surface.

Suddenly Jim’s body began to convulse and the monitor hooked up to him started a loud beeping alarm.

Dr. Macintyre rushed over together with three nurses.

Macintyre glanced at Spock. “Commander, you need to leave.”

“But—”

“Now, Commander. Nurse, get him out of here.”

Nurse Chapel gently pushed Spock away from Jim’s bed where they began to work on him. She guided him to the exit of the medbay.

“There’s nothing you can do here, Mr. Spock. I’ll let you know how the captain is. Why don’t you get some sleep?”

How did they expect Spock to sleep?

“I want to—”

“Go on, go on, I’ll contact you as soon as I know anything.”

Spock was almost shoved through the doors and they closed in his face. He clenched his fists. Sleep? He would get no sleep. But perhaps he could attempt meditation.

He had no desire to go as far as his quarters and instead went into a conference room only two doors down from the medbay. He stumbled against the table and then sat.

Spock was trembling. He did not know if it was from exhaustion or emotional compromise or perhaps a mixture of both.

It was selfish of him to think of lowering his shields. He had advised Jim he would keep them raised but he was tempted to lower them for just a moment. To feel Jim, to see—

And with even the suggestion, the idea in his mind, his shields faltered, no doubt from his inability to fully control himself.

Pain. Such pain. Spock gasped out loud from it. He stood up and grabbed the table as his whole body was wracked with pain, his mind in turmoil, agony, memories. Too many.

His knees buckled.

“Jim.” 


	27. I Don't Believe That Anybody Feels the Way I Do About You Now

Spock woke on his side in what he very much suspected was a biobed. And less than ten seconds later he was surprised to see Leonard McCoy’s face.

“No, I’m not up and about yet. Well not completely,” McCoy said.

Spock realized he was seated in a chair next to the bed Spock lay in.

“I can move around now though,” the doctor continued.

“Why am I in the medbay?” Spock demanded.

“You tell me. Apparently someone found you collapsed in a nearby conference room.”

Spock concentrated. “The captain?” He struggled to sit up and glanced around his immediate surroundings. He saw no sign of Jim. “Where is he?”

“Now, calm down. No need to get worked up.”

“I demand to know where he is.”

“He woke up.”

“You have not already released him, have you?”

McCoy snorted. “Do I look like I’m in any condition to release anyone?” He pointed to the bandages on his arm and on his head. “He’s undergoing tests.”

Spock exhaled. “He is all right?”

“I guess we’ll know for sure after the tests, but he seems okay. He was speaking, coherent. Knew who he was and where he was. And you, apparently, fainted.”

“I do not faint.”

McCoy shrugged. “Could have fooled us.”

Spock hesitated. “You are…improving?”

“I didn’t know you cared, Spock.” McCoy smirked. “But, yes, I am. I don’t think I’ll be doing handsprings anytime soon.”

“I was unaware you did handsprings normally.”

“Hobgoblin,” McCoy muttered. “Anyway, I don’t think they’re intending to keep you here or anything. They just needed a place to put you until you came out of it. You’re heavy, I guess.”

Spock chose not to comment on the weight of his person. “How long has the captain been undergoing tests?”

“Not that long. He’ll be a while. You can go back to the bridge or your quarters or wherever you go when you aren’t annoying Jim.”

“I do not annoy him.”

The doctor raised both eyebrows. “Oh, no?”

Spock looked briefly down at his hands. “It is never my intention to do so. Do you believe I do?”

“Jim told me you were going to shield your bond.”

Spock’s gaze rose to McCoy’s. “You are either skeptical or not pleased. Or perhaps both.”

“I don’t like that you have this bond with Jim against his will. He says you didn’t have a choice and I don’t know anything about that sort of thing, but I do know he doesn’t want it. I’d prefer that it was severed or however it’s done.”

“I do not intend to hurt him.”

“Well, see, you already have. More than anyone else ever has, emotionally anyway, and that’s damn hard to be the top of that.” McCoy sighed. “I don’t dislike you, Spock. But I can’t see how any of this is good for Jim. He doesn’t believe you care about him of your own free will and that it all comes from this mind bond you have.”

Spock stiffened. “I am aware of what he believes.”

“And?”

“It is a personal matter between me and the captain. I will not discuss it with outsiders.”

“An outsider?” McCoy practically yelled. “I am not an outsider. I’m Jim’s best friend. His damn family if it comes to that! If anyone’s an outsider here, Spock, it’s you!”

“I speak of anyone who is neither me nor Jim,” Spock said calmly.

“Look, I’m just giving you a warning here. I have every intention of trying to convince Jim to contact Starfleet command about getting the two of you to New Vulcan to have someone, whoever it is, put an end to this. This thing, this bond, isn’t good for humans. Maybe your mom had it with your dad, I don’t know about that. It might have worked for them. But that doesn’t mean it will work for Jim.”

“I see.”

“And if Jim doesn’t want to contact them, I may contact them myself,” McCoy said with lethal softness.

“You intend to go against the captain’s own wishes?”

“I don’t want to have to, but the bottom line is I have to do what is necessary to protect Jim.”

“Protect Jim from what?”

Both Spock and McCoy turned at the sound of the captain’s voice. He was being helped back to his bed by Nurse Chapel, who had her arms around him. The captain’s lips were pursed and he didn’t look at all pleased that he had been the subject of the discussion between Spock and the doctor.

Jim glared in McCoy’s direction. “Bones, what are you doing out of bed?”

“The captain is right, Leonard,” Nurse Chapel admonished as she helped Jim sit up on the biobed next to where Spock’s was. “You shouldn’t be up wandering around bothering other patients. How are you feeling, Mr. Spock?”

“I am well,” Spock replied.

“How’s that, Captain?” Chapel asked Jim as she tucked the blankets around him with a bright smile.

“It’s fine.”

“I’ll be back with some tea and something for you to eat as soon as I get Leonard.”

“I can make it back to my bed by myself,” McCoy grumbled.

“It’s time for the tests Dr. Macintyre ordered for you,” she told him, grabbing the doctor’s arm and gently hauling him up from the chair.

“May I be released, Nurse?” Spock asked.

“Yes, of course. You’re free to go, Mr. Spock.”

Spock stood and approached Jim’s bed as Nurse Chapel led away a protesting McCoy.

Jim’s jaw was tight as he stared at Spock. “Want to tell me what that was about?”

“I would rather inquire as to your health.”

“I guess all right. Macintyre said I’d be out of here in a day or two.”

Spock allowed himself to feel a measure of relief before he said quietly, “You hid your injuries while caring for Dr. McCoy.”

Jim shrugged. “I was more concerned for his welfare than mine.”

“I am aware that you care a great deal for the doctor but—”

“But nothing. I’m here, I’m fine. End of discussion.”

It was hardly the end of the discussion for Spock but he could tell that Jim was in an extremely obstinate mood at present so he decided not to pursue the topic.

“Want to tell me what that was about?” Jim asked again, and there was the barest hint of demand behind the question.

Spock linked his hands behind his back. “Dr. McCoy wishes for you to dissolve your relationship with me. And if you are unwilling to do so, his implication was that he would do it for you.”

Jim, who was still far too pale for Spock’s liking, sighed. “Don’t worry about Bones. He’s not going to do anything.”

“He was most insistent.”

“Yeah and he’s a pain in my ass, too.” Jim leaned his head back against the pillow and closed his eyes. “I’ll talk to him.”

“Shall I get Dr. Macintyre?”

Jim opened his eyes and peered at Spock. “Not unless you want to make me really angry.”

“I am concerned—”

“Spock, I’m fine. I’m tired and weak and a little grumpy, but I’m fine.”

“I was able to ascertain that information myself.”

Jim smiled very slightly. “Sorry. I’m pretty snarky, I know.”

Spock hesitated but stepped even closer to Jim. “May I?” he asked, his hand hovering above Jim’s.

Jim nodded and Spock covered Jim’s hand with his, instantly feeling soothed by the physical contact between them. He curled his fingers around the palm of Jim’s hand.

“You were in a lot of pain. Both physically and mentally,” Spock said softly.

Jim licked his lips. “I guess it’s hard to block some of the shit from my head when my body’s dealing with the injuries. You saw it?”

“No, felt it.”

“I thought you were shielding or whatever?”

Spock tensed slightly, certain he heard censure in Jim’s voice. “I am, but apparently in my concern for you and your weakened state it bled through.”

“Okay. I’m not mad, all right? Just trying to understand.”

Spock swallowed and nodded. “You will not seek to dissolve our relationship?”

There was a long pause during which Spock tried not to feel panic. He stared at their entwined hands.

“No,” Jim said after a while. “But I do have…conditions.”

Spock’s gaze flew to Jim’s. “Conditions?” he asked carefully.

“It’s not really different than what you already know. I want to try a normal relationship.”

“Normal?”

“Yes. Like a regular Human relationship. Boyfriends. If it’s still your intention to be with me?”

Jim had asked casually but Spock was not fooled. He saw the expectancy in those too blue eyes, the expectancy of being rejected, left behind, abandoned, as so many had done before.

“There is absolutely no doubt what my desire is.”

“Right.” Jim traced his bottom lip with his tongue. “Sure.”

“Jim—”

“I know, Spock. But this has to work for me, between us, without-without all the telepathy and talk of soulmates and everything.”

“I am aware you still believe that it is the bond that is responsible for my regard for you.”

“Maybe, yeah. I know you think otherwise. But I…I have to be sure, Spock.”

“You wish to test me.”

“If you want to look at it that way.”

Spock nodded. “Very well. I agree to your conditions. I will continue to shield and, for now, we will ignore our telepathic connection.”

“For now,” Jim repeated with a slight smile.

Nurse Chapel took that moment to reappear carrying a cup of tea and a small bowl. When she was near, Spock saw that it contained oatmeal. “Here you are, Captain. Per Dr. Macintyre’s orders.”

“I will now excuse myself, Captain.” Spock released his hands. “To allow you to eat and to rest.”

“Speaking of resting, Mr. Spock,” Nurse Chapel began.

But Spock made his escape before she could finish.


	28. Raise Your Hopeful Voice

“Come.”

The door swished open allowing Jim entrance. For a minute after he stepped inside he leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his chest and stared at the quarters in front of him.

“Wow, the sacred place.”

Bones scowled from his position on his bed. “Don’t be a horse’s ass.”

“But, Bones, that’s what I live for.”

“You’ve been in my quarters plenty of times and don’t pretend otherwise.” Bones struggled to sit up straighter. “Macintyre released you?”

He said it in a way that Jim knew was dripping with disapproval.

“Sort of. Not to duty. Just to my quarters.”

“Which these aren’t, by the way.”

Jim moved away from the wall and sat on the end of Bones’s bed. “Then it’s true.”

“What’s true?”

“Doctor’s make the worst patients.”

“Didn’t I tell you to get lost?”

Jim laughed. “How do you feel?”

“Like I’ve been run over, picked up, fluffed up, set down in the road and run over again.”

“How come Macintyre released _you_?”

“CMO privileges.” Bones eyed him. “You look pretty good. They were worried. Christine told me.”

“She exaggerates. You were the injured one.”

“Don’t pull a stunt like that again, Jim.”

“I’m gonna.”

“I mean it.”

“If your life is on the line, I’m gonna.” Jim shrugged.

“Gonna?” Bones snorted. He stared at Jim. “This isn’t just a social call.”

Jim sighed. Now came the part he dreaded. But, well, he had to say it. “Bones.”

“I’m not going to like this, am I?”

“Probably not,” Jim admitted. He reached over and patted his friend’s leg. “I need you to lay off Spock.” 

“Lay off Spock?” Bones asked incredulously. “Are you out of your corn fed mind? Jim, he said—”

“I know what he said, Bones.” Jim ran his fingers through his hair. “We all say stupid things sometimes.”

Bones’ jaw tightened. “That’s all it was, huh? Just something stupid?”

Jim sighed.

“Because I know there was way more to it than that when I was picking up the pieces of your shredded heart.”

“Exaggerate much?”

“No.”

“Bones, if I can try, you can too. Spock told me what you said about dissolving our bond.”

“Can you deny it was against your will?”

“Neither one of us had a choice exactly.”

“And you don’t see the problem with that? Maybe it would be better for both you to end this. You’ve said yourself Spock wouldn’t have chosen to be with you. This is the chance for both of you to end this.”

The crazy thing was what Bones said made sense. Jim had told himself all the same things. And even now hearing it from someone else, someone Jim trusted more than he trusted himself, Jim found himself tempted to give in to what Bones said.

But Spock said he wanted to try and Jim couldn’t get Spock’s brown eyes, so intense, out of his mind, nor could he bear to see the disappointment in them if he listened to Bones and just dismissed whatever Spock wanted. That wouldn’t be fair to Spock.

“Bones,” Jim said softy. “I love you.”

Bones grimaced and looked away. “But you love the hobgoblin more.”

“Not more.”

“Bullshit.”

“Different. It’s different. But love isn’t comparable, Bones. You’re my family. My brother. Spock is…he just…owns my heart.” Jim huffed out a laugh. “Corny as hell but I don’t know how else to put it.”

Bones closed his eyes. “Okay. So no bond breaking.”

“Not for now, no. I’ve agreed to-to try. Like a human relationship. And so has he.”

Bones opened his eyes and nodded. “All right. But you know that’s not going to satisfy a Vulcan for long, Jim.”

“It’s a start.” Jim stood up. “I’m going to leave you to rest.”

“And rest yourself, I hope.”

Jim nodded. “I kind of have no choice. Macintyre has spies on the bridge.”

Bones grinned. “Okay, I’m starting to like him.”

He snorted. “You would.” He went to the door. “Talk soon?”

“Yeah. Don’t-don’t let him break you. All right?”

Jim blew out a breath. “I’ll try not to.”

****

He’d been in his own quarters for only about ten minutes when his door chimed. He didn’t need a connection to Spock’s mind to know his first officer stood on the other side.

“Come in.” Jim pressed the door release.

Sure enough, Spock entered, his arms linked behind him. “You have been released.”

“Yeah, a little while ago. I stopped by to see Bones first.”

There was a flicker of something in Spock’s eyes but it passed quickly.

Jim attempted a smile. “Are you off shift?”

“Indeed, just now.” Spock relaxed his stance slightly. “Did Dr. McCoy attempt to dissuade you from continuing our relationship?”

Jim decided not to lie. “Yes, he did.”

“I see.”

Jim studied Spock’s seemingly blank expression. But he was not fooled. There was the barest hint in those brown eyes of a vulnerability Spock could not mask.

“Are you going to ask me?” Jim asked quietly.

Spock hadn’t been looking directly at Jim, but rather somewhere over his shoulder. But now his gaze very firmly focused on Jim.

“Has he convinced you to change your mind?”

“No, Spock.”

Spock blinked but he did not immediately reply.

“I went there to tell him to give us a chance, to not interfere,” Jim explained. “Just as I told you I would.”

“I am…more uncertain of my footing than usual,” Spock admitted in a low voice.

“Why?”

“I am not sure you would like my answer.”

Jim searched his gaze. “Let’s be honest with each other.”

“Very well.” Spock nodded. “I find I am apprehensive that any misstep on my part will give you while not precisely an excuse—but a reason—to either dismiss me entirely or to once again question the depth of my regard for you. I believe I must proceed with greater caution than I might normally do so in order to continue our relationship.”

Jim swallowed, feeling suddenly quite vulnerable himself, but he continued to hold Spock’s gaze. “I suppose that’s a legitimate concern on your part. I’m going to try not to be that way, though. I know you might not believe me right now, but I don’t want to be that way, Spock. I really don’t.”

“I am relieved to hear that,” Spock said very softly. “I also am concerned that Dr. McCoy will continue to try to influence you to my detriment.”

“No, he won’t. He won’t. I wouldn’t let him get away with that.” Jim exhaled. “You’ve told me your concerns. Can I tell you mine?”

Spock’s nod was barely discernible.

“Can I tell you without you interrupting?”

“Yes.”

Jim dropped his gaze. “I’m really trying to get over what you said. I am. But the doubt is still there. I still think you would never have chosen to be with me if our bond didn’t exist to influence you. I know you tell me differently. But it’s there. And I’m fighting it. It’s really hard though, Spock. I’m not going to lie. I don’t want you trapped into being with me. It’s just—I’m really fucked up. And I don’t want to fuck you up.”

A full minute went by without either of them saying anything.

Finally Spock spoke.

“You have finished?”

Jim laughed a little, licked his lips. “Yeah.” Then he shook his head. “No. I mean, I don’t know how to date. You know. To have like a boyfriend. I know how to have sex. Whether I wanted to or not and I—”

Spock suddenly stood right in front of him with his hand on Jim’s face. His thumb grazed over Jim’s bottom lip. “We will learn together, Jim.”

“Yeah?”

Spock wrapped his other arm round Jim’s waist and pulled him close, his lips ghosting across Jim’s forehead. “Yes.” His hand moved up to cradle the back of Jim’s head. “You should sleep.”

“Sleep? I don’t want to sleep. I want to—”

“To?”

Jim leaned back to look into Spock’s eyes. “Communicate with you.”

“Communicate?”

“The way I do best,” Jim said, kissing Spock’s jaw. “Let me show you just how much you make me feel.”

“Jim—”

“Please?”

Spock trembled. “You just were released from the medbay. I would like nothing more than to _communicate_ with you. But I will not hurt you or allow you to hurt yourself.”

“Spock,” Jim huffed in frustration.

“I will lay with you in bed while you sleep,” Spock offered.

“And that’s it?”

“For now.” Spock was still shaking. “Please, ashayam. For me.”

Jim buried his face in Spock’s neck. “Okay. Sleep.”


	29. No One Wants to Dig That Deep, Let Me Take You Underneath

Spock had not really intended to fall asleep, at least for as long as he had, but lying with Jim in his arms had afforded him a comfort and security he could not recall feeling since he’d felt that way with his parents as a small child.

When he did awake, he realized he’d slept for hours, and was well-rested, but he was reluctant to disengage from Jim, who was snuggled up against him as though he truly wanted to be with Spock. Which made him all the more reluctant to disturb Jim.

If he could not convince Jim to Jim’s satisfaction that he truly wished to be with Jim on his own merits unrelated to their bond, Spock was all too aware that Jim would have their bond dissolved and he would walk away from Spock. And he was also aware that Jim would have Dr. McCoy on his side.

He was unsure he could be an ordinary boyfriend. While it was true he’d made the attempt with Nyota and had even been successful to a certain degree, he had never had the connection with Nyota, that bond, that he had with Jim. It was painful to ignore the buzzing skin whenever they touched, the temptation, the allure of a mind, a man, who was meant to belong to him.

Spock had made mistakes with Jim and there was no point in trying to act or pretend otherwise. And now he was paying a penance for those mistakes and he was in a hell of his own making.

He rested his fingers on Jim’s face, because he needed to touch Jim’s skin, to feel the rush he felt even when he shielded. It was unlike anything Spock had ever felt and he knew he could become quickly addicted.

Jim’s eyelids fluttered open and suddenly blue eyes were fixated on him. He nearly moved his hand, afraid Jim might think he was trying to meld with him while he slept, but Spock decided such an action would make him appear guilty.

“Good morning, Jim,” Spock said softly.

“Good morning.” He blinked rapidly. “How long was I asleep?”

“Eight hours, thirty minutes and forty-three seconds.”

Jim’s lips curved into a smile. “I don’t remember any nightmares.”

“Because you were not disturbed by any.”

“Well, that’s certainly different. Were you holding me like this the whole time?”

Spock hesitated, but then nodded. “Yes.”

“Maybe that’s why.” Jim spoke lightly as though it was nothing or perhaps said in jest, but there was something below the surface that Spock couldn’t quite place. “Did you want to meld?”

Spock did move his fingers from Jim’s face then. “I had no thought to do so. I just find touching you pleasing. As I understand it a normal human relationship would not include melding.”

“True enough. But it’s all right if you want to.”

“You have not found prior melds appealing. I would not want to push you into something you find unpleasant.”

Jim sighed but it was like a rush of air. “Spock, I know you’re still a Vulcan. I’m not trying to prevent you from being who you are.”

“Perhaps not, but at present I do not believe a meld between us is necessary.”

Jim stared at him for a moment, then nodded. “All right. But I want you to know it’s not off the table.”

Spock replied, “Very well.” He lifted his hand once more to Jim’s face, but only to cup Jim’s jaw and swipe his thumb across Jim’s bottom lip. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“You,” Jim said with a grin.

He quirked a brow. “I am not edible.”

“Wanna bet?” Jim scooted closer and fastened his lips to Spock’s. Spock opened his mouth willing to Jim’s probing tongue, grazing his over Jim’s and then across Jim’s teeth. Jim drew back enough to gaze into Spock’s eyes. “Wanna fuck.”

“I am uncertain you are physically able to—”

Jim grabbed Spock’s hand and brought it to his erect penis. “See? Physically able.”

“You only were released yesterday evening from the medbay,” Spock murmured, unable to resist wrapping his fist around the length.

“And I’m still off duty due to an abundance of caution from Bones. But.” Jim moaned, opening his mouth on Spock’s collarbone. “I’m-I’m fine.”

Spock’s own penis had become almost unbearably aroused and had begun to leak self-lubricant. “Jim, I do not think this is wise.”

“Why?” Jim rose up and hovered over Spock who he had pushed down to lay flat. “You’ve already fucked me once.”

“I am aware, but my control—”

Jim laughed. “You aren’t supposed to be in control, Spock, that’s sort of the point.” He leaned down and kissed Spock, a deep kiss that was full of tongue and promises.

Spock felt the growl that bubbled up out of him when it started from chest and suddenly he had flipped Jim underneath him.

Jim blinked rapidly. “That’s a neat trick.”

Spock exhaled slowly. “I do not want to frighten you.”

“Frighten me?” Jim licked his lips.

“Given your prior history.”

Jim shook his head. “You can’t. I know you would never take me against my will. I’m not worried about that. Not even a little.”

“Association—”

“Not from you, no.” Jim’s fingers went to Spock’s chin, he stroked his fingertips across the jaw. His other hand inched between their bodies to grasp Spock’s erection. “I know you want me.”

“Yes,” Spock admitted.

“Do you know why I like sex so much? I mean beyond the obvious.”

Spock waited for him to continue.

“This.” He squeezed Spock’s hard penis enough to pull a gasping moan from his lips. “That’s not a lie. That’s real. Feelings, emotions, love. That can all be faked, misconstrued, flat out falsified, or just…not appreciated. But this is real.”

“Jim—”

“Spock, where I come from, I expect to be able to have sex with my boyfriend.”

“Do not _misconstrue_  my intentions,” Spock said pointedly. “You have my hard penis in your hand. You yourself said it cannot be faked. But I do not want you to believe that this is about sex for me. Or only about sex. You are more to me than sexual pleasure.”

“I know,” Jim said softly.

“Do you?”

“Yes. But right now, I want that sexual pleasure.” Jim looked at him with such pleading, Spock did not think he could deny him. “Please.”

He slid his hand between their bodies and stopped Jim’s hand from stroking him. Jim gave a little whimper of protest.

Spock quieted him with a kiss as he pushed Jim’s hand away and grasped Jim’s erection in his own fist. Jim whined and arched against him, gasping into Spock’s mouth.

He threaded the fingers of his other hand in Jim’s hair, gently massaging the crown of Jim’s head, which had him moaning and clawing at Spock.

“Shh,” Spock whispered. With a very deliberate touch, he entered Jim’s mind only enough to find his pleasure points. Jim went wild, bucking and squirming as he came in Spock’s fist.

Jim’s breaths were wet against Spock’s neck as Spock held him tightly. He stroked Jim’s back, kissed his ear.

“Better?” he asked.

Jim nodded. “You—”

“I released when you did,” Spock murmured.

Jim pulled back to stare into Spock’s eyes and for just a moment Spock worried Jim would reacted badly to the touch on his mind, but Jim wore the softest, sweetest smile Spock had ever seen.

“That was nice.”

“Nice?”

“Well…better than nice.”

“I would hope so.” Spock kissed the tip of Jim’s nose. “Then you did not mind?”

Jim shook his head. “No. It was—”

“Nice,” Spock supplied with an arch of his eyebrow.

Jim smiled that sweet smile again and it caused Spock’s heart rate to increase and for him to have the illogical thought that he would like to see it every day.

“If you would like to take a shower, I will secure you breakfast.”

“Okay,” Jim agreed.

While Jim showered, Spock obtained through the replicator eggs, fried potatoes, bacon, biscuits, and coffee.

Jim laughed when he saw it. “You’re feeding me, not the whole bridge crew.”

“You need sustenance.”

“All right.” Jim sighed. “It does look good.” He licked his lips. “I-I have some issues. With eating.”

Spock nodded. “I know.”

“Yeah.” Jim sat down and picked up the fork. “The food—the crops, they were contaminated by a fungus. Some ate it anyway and died from that. And the rest…”

“I am aware of the details of Tarsus IV,” Spock said quietly.

“Reading about it isn’t the same.”

Spock swallowed. “I did not read about it. That is not my source for the details.”

Jim’s gaze rose. His eyes looking stark in his pale face. “Oh.”

“Jim—”

Jim’s gaze dropped to his food. “Just…join me for breakfast?” His voice was soft, slightly pained, but he didn’t tense up or order Spock out and for that Spock was grateful.

He obtained pancakes and tea for himself and sat across from Jim. When he held out his index and middle finger Spock was gratified that Jim met them, though he did not look up from his plate of food.   


	30. When it's Over You're the Start You're My Head, You're My Heart

“You really do have a beautiful planet,” Jim said with a very bright smile.

For a moment, Spock spent time analyzing that smile. He wasn’t sure when he had begun to do so. Months maybe. At first he had taken them at face value, but he’d learned that those smiles were usually trickery on Jim’s part. Hiding something infinitely deeper. 

The bright smile Spock watched from behind a copse of trees was presently aimed at the Chancellor’s young and beautiful daughter who had been waiting for hours to get the captain alone. Spock recognized her blatant interest the minute they’d beamed down for the negotiations. Her name was Mirella. And Jim had been polite and charming with her. He agreed immediately to a walk in the gardens with her.

Spock had not intended to follow after his captain. Not precisely. But if his own path took him in a similar direction it was logically mere coincidence.

The thing about that smile though was it was Jim’s flirtatious smile. But it was false. Looking beyond the surface of it, Spock could clearly see that Jim was not interested in Mirella. She, however, could not read Jim the way Spock could and she clung to the captain’s arm with a hopeful shine in her eyes.

“Some say our planet is among the most romantic planets in the universe,” Mirella responded.

“Really? And why is that?”

She waved her hand. “The beautiful flora and fauna for one. Our oceans and mountains. Our three moons.” She stopped and smiled into Jim’s eyes. “I’ve heard that Humans find the moon quite stimulating.”

Spock’s grip on his tri-corder tightened. He’d brought it with him to scan plants in the garden should his presence be questioned.

“Some do, I suppose.”

Mirella’s smile slipped a fraction. “What about you, Captain? May I call you Jim?”

To Spock’s surprise, Jim shook his head. “I don’t think that would be wise.”

Mirella pouted. “Why not?”

“I’m here to negotiate with your father on behalf of the Federation in an official capacity,” Jim replied. “As for the moon, or moons as is the case of your planet, I do find them pleasant enough; though I’m not sure I find them especially romantic.”

It took her a moment to take that in. She frowned. “While I know you’re here in an official capacity, Captain, I was hoping for a far more _personal_ connection. Between us.”

This time Jim’s smile was easy to read for anyone. It was his _‘I am about to disappoint you’_ smile. And though Spock did not wish to willingly admit it, he was glad to see it.

“I’m very sorry.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m involved with someone already,” Jim explained.

“Someone here?” Mirella asked in confusion.

Spock actually saw Jim role his eyes, which he had to admit was rather amusing.

“No. Someone from my ship. I’m in a relationship. A serious one. So, I’m sorry, but no.”

Mirella’s pout became more prominent. “Who?”

Jim was clearly getting annoyed with her persistence, but he maintained his professionalism in spite of it. “My first officer.”

“The Vulcan?”

“Yes.”

“But-but Vulcans are so cold.”

“Not mine.”

Spock now felt full on guilt for having spied on Jim with the chancellor’s daughter. He could not deny now that’s completely why he was in the garden. Mirella made a frustrated noise and dashed off toward the building.

Spock was trying to figure out how to return to the building himself without Jim noticing him when he was tapped on the shoulder. He turned to face his captain.

“What have you got there, Mr. Spock?”

“Captain.”

Jim smirked. “Now that we’ve established who we are. What are you doing?”

“I was scanning this fascinating foliage.”

Jim glanced at the flower. “A common daisy.”

“Well—”

Jim laughed and plucked the flower, and to Spock’s surprise, tucked it behind Spock’s ear. “See you inside, Commander. The sooner we can finish this up, the sooner we can get back to the ship.

****

Jim stepped off the transporter four hours later. He yawned and rubbed the back of his neck. “God, that was hell.”

Spock and Nyota stepped down after him.

“The negotiations were highly successful, Captain,” Spock pointed out.

He stretched his arms high in the air, exposing just a bit of his stomach. “It was still hell. And I’m off shift for several hours, during which I hope to get some serious sleep. And you’re off too, Spock.” Jim squeezed his arm. “Get some sleep.”

Spock watched as the captain smiled at both him and Nyota and then left the transporter room.

“Hmm. He seems subdued,” Nyota remarked. “Those negotiations took their toll. Are you all right, Spock?”

Spock shook his head. “No.”

She followed him out of the transporter room, increasing her pace to catch up with him. “What’s wrong? Spock?” When they stepped into the turbolift, she pulled it to a stop. “What’s wrong?”

He stared at her for a moment before saying, “I am compromised.”

“By what? Who?”

“The captain.” He restarted the turbolift and gave the command for the officer’s deck.

Nyota frowned. “What did he do?”

The doors opened. Spock stepped out. “Nothing.”

He left Nyota staring at him as the doors closed in her face.

Spock walked right past his own quarters for the captain’s. He pressed the button for entry.

There was barely a hesitation when the door opened. He stepped inside.

Jim stood in the middle of the room, still fully dressed in his uniform, and giving Spock a soft smile. “I thought it might be you. Did you want to sleep with me?”

He sucked in a breath and found himself rushing Jim, pushing a very startled human into the bulkhead as Spock’s hands came up to frame Jim’s face.

“Spock—”

Spock crushed Jim’s lips under his, stealing whatever words Jim intended to say. He slanted his lips over Jim’s over and over, his tongue slipping easily past the human’s parted lips. He stole Jim’s little gasp of surprise too. And when it was necessary to breathe, he finally allowed their mouths to part.

Jim’s blue eyes were saturated and intense as he looked at Spock with question.

“I love you,” Spock told him. “I abhor violence, and yet I would kill for you. I do not wish to die, and yet I would die for you. A hundred deaths just to keep you safe once. I would follow your orders unto death. I would violate the Prime Directive if you bid me. I would live out my days without a bond, without a link, without any telepathy at all to be with you.”

Jim had become very pale during Spock’s words, just staring at Spock, his eyes wide and almost frightened.

“I will spend all the rest of my days trying to convince you to believe me.”

“I do.” Jim swallowed visibly. “I believe you.”

“You…do?”

Jim nodded. “No one-no one has ever—”

Spock pulled him into his arms, holding him close. “T’hy’la.”

“I love you, too,” Jim whispered against him.

“You do not have to say so,” Spock assured him.

“It’s true. You know it is.”

“And I have no idea why you do,” Spock admitted.

“Spock—”

“But I am well pleased,” Spock continued. “There is no one more precious to me.”

Jim smiled. “With talk like that, you’d better be ready to fuck me.”

“Nothing could stop me.” Spock scooped Jim up into his arms, what humans called bridal-style, and carried him to the bed.


	31. I Feel You Everywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gack, this took me forever. But I only plan on about 4 more chapters before I put this one to bed.

Spock was staring at him very intently as he lay across Jim on Jim’s bed. It made him feel naked, exposed, and more vulnerable than he liked to be with anyone. But Jim was determined not to fall back on old habits of self-doubt, not to mention doubting Spock.

“I burn for you,” Spock said in such a soft voice it was like Jim felt it more than heard it.

Jim shivered. “Yeah?”

“More than you can even know. I feel you everywhere and it lights my skin with radiance.”

Jim swallowed. “Is-is that the bond?”

Spock shook his head. “It is you.” He leaned down and kissed Jim slow and deep, like he was attempting to steal Jim’s very soul. He’d expected light, tentative, even sweet, but no, he should have known Spock would never be predictable.

Jim was torn between closing his eyes, because the kiss was almost too intimate, too intense, and keeping them open so he wouldn’t miss anything.

Spock lifted himself from Jim’s lips and stared into his eyes. “You are wearing far too many clothes.”

“We both are. You take care of yours and I’ll take care of mine?”

Spock shook his head.

“No?”

“I take care of yours and you take care of mine?”

Spock shook his head.

Jim laughed a little. “You take care of mine and yours?”

Spock nodded.

Spock stood and pulled off his uniform shirts together, letting them drop from his fingers to the floor. Jim licked his lips, watching Spock’s every movement.

As Spock bent down to remove his boots, Jim sat up a little to unzip his own so he could toe them off. By the time Spock finished with his own boots, Jim had his off.

“Cease,” Spock ordered.

Jim did, too. But he couldn’t resist saying, “Are you ordering me?”

“Yes.”

He opened his mouth to retort when he watched Spock’s long, elegant fingers move to the waistband of his uniform trousers. They’d had sex once before, sure, that’s how their bond had fully burst into life, but it wasn’t the same, the emotions weren’t the same, everything was different. At least to Jim.

Spock moved as though in slow motion and normally Jim would become impatient, but damn he wanted to know every moment with Spock. Spend every minute, every second of the rest of his life with Spock. If he could, he would keep Spock only for him, away from everyone else, so only he could ever experience Spock. Perhaps such thoughts were unhealthy but he had never claimed he was mentally sound.

Spock lowered his pants to the floor and now stood only in his regulation briefs. The bulge made his erection plain enough.

He knelt on the bed and Jim frowned. “Hey! You aren’t done.”

The look Spock gave him was amusement. “I wish for you to catch up.”

Jim smiled. “I love you.”

Spock’s mouth upturned. “You would distract me with pretty words when at the moment I am interested in your pretty body.”

Jim laughed. “I’m all for that.”

Spock’s slight smile disappeared and his brow furrowed. “Jim, you are more to me than a physical way to assuage—”

“Spock, I know. Can we get on with it?”

“As long as you are aware. I cherish thee.”

“I am.” Jim nodded. Reached a hand up to curve around Spock’s neck and draw him down for a kiss.

Spock moaned and fully gave himself to the kiss, nearly crushing Jim under his weight as he pressed into the kiss, but Jim didn’t care. It was Spock and he liked the heaviness.

Eventually Spock pulled back to allow Jim to breathe and as Spock reached toward his shirts, Jim thought he would just pull them off, but instead Spock tore them down the middle from the collar to the hem.

Jim drew in a breath.

Spock stiffened, alarm in his eyes. “If I have frightened—”

“Spock, no.” Jim grabbed Spock’s hands. “You don’t scare me in any way. I am not afraid of you.”

He saw Spock visibly swallow. “You are certain?”

“Yes. Positive. I feel only desire, anticipation, excitement. Surely you can feel that when our skin touches.”

Spock nodded. “I do not want to assume. I wish to be cautious.”

“There’s no need.”

“Jim—”

“Shh. We’re doing way too much talking and not enough sex.” Jim lifted up and removed the tatters of his shirts and tossed them to the right of the bed. “Now get these pants off me before I become nothing but ashes.”

Spock’s fingers moved to Jim’s pants, tearing at the snaps, so that they went flying and Jim just didn’t care. The pants and his briefs were peeled off and discarded.

“You are the most beautiful creature,” Spock said reverently.

Jim smiled. “Take off your damn briefs, Spock.”

Up went the eyebrow, which made Jim grin, but Spock maneuvered himself to take off the offending briefs. He moved back over Jim, his thick double-ridged cock glistening and ready to take Jim.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,” Spock whispered, lowering down until he was propped up on his elbows, but could still reach Jim’s lips. “K'hat'n'dlawa.”

He had no idea what Spock said, but it sounded beautiful, so he kissed Spock fervently. Spock locked their hands together and Jim was aware of what seemed like hundreds of thoughts and emotions, the overwhelming one adoration.

Jim angled his hips, wrapping his legs around Spock’s waist, waiting for the penetration, and when it came he keened, rising up to meet the deep thrust inside him.

They really were joined as one and Jim wasn’t sure he’d ever understood that, until this moment. Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered about the bond, because he felt it, strong and powerful, and Spock was supposed to be shielding, but it didn’t seem to matter just then, all he could feel was Spock merging with him, making him come undone in a way he had never known.

He clutched desperately at Spock, mewling his release, his head thrashing back and forth as Spock cried his name and exploded inside him.

****

When he could speak, when he could move just a little, Jim managed to lift his head just a bit to look over at Spock. He smiled. “You okay?”

Spock nodded, though he looked a little dazed.

“Did you unshield?”

Spock stiffened, a tiny frown appearing.

“Hey. It’s not the end of the world if you did. Just asking.”

“My shields seem to be still in place,” Spock said, sounding puzzled.

“Hm. Weird. I swear I felt you everywhere, including my mind.”

“It came from you, I believe,” Spock replied softly, turning to face Jim. “Your side is not shielded and our connection is powerful.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded, licked his lips. “Okay.”

“There are ways I can teach you to shield. It involves some meditation and mental exercises.”

“Does my not being shielded hurt you?”

“Negative.”

“Is it good?”

Spock hesitated.

“Spock, do you like it?”

He nodded, but Jim could see that it was with reluctance.

Jim smiled and leaned over to kiss him. “Then we’ll leave it the way it is. For now anyway.” He put his hand on Spock’s chest. “And don’t ask me if I’m sure.”

“I would not have you experience discomfort.”

“I’m not. I don’t. I mean, I didn’t. All those thoughts and emotions were my own?”

“Indeed.”

“And you feel them?”

“Yes. Because I am shielding they are muted for me more than for you, but yes, I can. They are extraordinary. Your mind is very appealing.”

“And you got nothing…icky?” Jim asked, biting his lip, feeling a little out of sorts.

“I did not. It was just…las'hark, the sun.”

He felt himself blush for some reason. He couldn’t believe anyone would think his mind was the sun. Or appealing for that matter.

He snuggled up to Spock. “Hungry?”

“Not at present.”

“Me either. Let’s go again.”

“Jim.”

He laughed and pounced on his Vulcan.


	32. Peaceful, Easy Feeling

“So?"

Spock looked up from his PADD and arched a brow. “So what?”

Nyota leaned her chin on her hands, ignoring her plate of tempura vegetables for the moment.

They were on shore leave on a planet similar to Earth known as Paradise Island. It was an odd name for a planet to Spock since it was neither the mythical paradise nor an island, but when it had been discovered and settled by the Federation it had been decided that’s what it would be called. Illogical.

“How are things going between you and the captain?” Nyota asked.

They were at a Japanese restaurant sitting on an outdoor patio having lunch. Vegetarian, of course.

“Satisfactory.”

She rolled her eyes. “You do know you’re on shore leave, right?”

“Yes, because the captain insisted I partake. It had been my intention to stay aboard the Enterprise.”

“Put down the PADD, Spock.”

“It is already down because it is lying flat upon the table.”

She snatched it up and switched it off.

“What if the captain wished to contact me?” Spock asked.

“He’ll use his communicator.”

Spock opened his mouth to protest then closed it.

“Try the tempura, it’s delicious.”

Spock cut into the tempura. “The weather here is pleasant.”

“I’ll say. I wish I could stay here forever.”

“You would miss your duties on the Enterprise.”

“Yeah.” Nyota eyed him again as she picked up her frosty beer glass. “Satisfactory, huh?”

Spock nodded. “Quite.”

“I would have thought it was a bit more than satisfactory.”

“He is still very cautious.”

She shrugged. “I can’t entirely blame him given your initial reaction to his declaration of feelings.” She laughed. “God I sound like you.”

“I did not handle it well and I have many regrets. In my defense I have never had a t’hy’la before.” Spock knew he was blushing a little.

“Nor anyone you felt quite so strongly about,” she said softly.

Spock felt there was no point in denying it, he and Nyota had been over this. “No.”

“I know and the truth is I sort of resented that for a long time. Maybe I even encouraged you to treat him shabbily. I don’t know. I was jealous and I can’t deny it.”

“It was never my intention to hurt you.”

“I know. But I’m sure I’m responsible for the way you viewed Kirk. At least a lot of it came from me. I wanted you to believe the rumors.” She sighed and grimaced. “I’m not at all proud of whatever part I had in him being hurt.”

“Jim is a remarkably forgiving man,” Spock admitted.

“Did I hear my name?”

Jim appeared at their table as if he’d beamed there, which of course he had not, but Spock had been so engrossed in his conversation with Nyota he had neither heard nor noticed Jim’s approach.

“Captain,” Spock blurted out, feeling the tips of his ears grow warm.

Jim smiled. “Commander.”

“Oh, come on, you two. You’re not on duty and the entire crew knows you’re sleeping together.” Nyota gestured to an empty chair at their table. “Join us?”

Jim sat, but he wrinkled his nose. “I’m not really one for tempura.”

“We can order something else for you,” Spock said quickly. He wondered how much of their conversation Jim had actually heard but Jim’s expression was open and friendly, giving nothing away.

Spock gestured for their waiter who came to take Jim’s order of a Japanese beer like Nyota’s, rice, and several different kinds of fish sashimi.

“I would have waited for you if I had realized you would be able to join us,” Spock said.

“The conference with Womack didn’t last as long as I thought it would.”

“Figures he’d bug you on your shore leave,” Nyota said with a shake of her head. “They never leave you alone. It’s maddening.”

“Comes with the job, I guess.” Jim looked around. “Beautiful location. Kind of surprising to find a Japanese restaurant here.”

“Sulu recommended it actually. He’s been here before.” She picked up a tempura vegetable. “Sure you don’t want to try it?”

Jim shook his head. “I’ve got my sashimi coming.”

“What did the admiral want?” Spock asked.

“Shop talk? We’re on leave,” Nyota said.

Jim accepted his beer from the waiter. “Nothing that important. Future missions. Lectures. The usual.” He smiled at Nyota. “What are your plans while on Paradise Island, Lieutenant?”

“After lunch I’m going down to the shopping district with Christine and Chekov. I’m having dinner with Scotty. What about you two?”

Jim yawned and his jaw popped. “Oh, geez. Sorry. I seriously need about three days of sleep. I don’t know, whatever Spock wants, I guess. There must be all kinds of museums.”

“Perhaps it would be wise for you to rest,” Spock suggested.

“Rest?’ Jim laughed. “There’s no rest on shore leave, Spock.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Yeah, well, whoever said we made sense?”

Nyota nodded. “Jim’s right. Shore leave is for fun, not sleeping.”

“I am concerned for your welfare,” Spock said to Jim. “The pattern of your sleep is often interrupted.”

Jim waved at that dismissively. “Here comes my sashimi.”

****

“You are _so_ smitten,” Nyota whispered as they left the Japanese restaurant.   

“I am not smitten,” Spock insisted.

“Oh, yes, you are. It’s adorable really. Now anyway. You can’t take your eyes off him. You watch his every move and rather possessively I might add.”

“I am certain you exaggerate.”

Nyota laughed and shook her head. “Nope. I hope you two have a great time together, because you definitely deserve it. And don’t let him overtire himself.”

Spock nodded. “I will not. Enjoy your shopping.”

She leaned up to kiss his cheek. “See you back on the Enterprise.”

Jim came outside from paying the restaurant, watched Nyota walk down the street. “Breeze is coming up off the ocean.”

“Are you cold?”

“No. Are you?”

“Not as yet.” Spock studied Jim for signs of extreme exhaustion. There were dark smudges under his eyes and some blemishes breaking out along his jawline. “You are stressed.”

“That’s why I asked for shore leave for us. We all are.”

“I am concerned mostly with you.”

Jim raised both eyebrows. “Let’s walk.”

Spock fell into step with him. “If you are concerned about nightmares I can help you have uninterrupted sleep.”

“Maybe later.” Jim gave him a quizzical look. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“Never.”

“Good. So, what did you want to do? We could take a surfing lesson.”

“Surfing? No.”

“Why not?”

“We do not need one more thing where you endanger your life.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Spoilsport. A museum then?”

“You sound less than thrilled.”

“I’d do one if you want. There’s also a hike we could do. I read about it in the brochure.” Jim pointed toward a mountain to the left of their location. “Supposed to take a couple of hours. We could do that and then a museum. Then the shopping district if you want. Dinner.”

“That sounds like an acceptable use of our shore leave.”

“Good to know. After dinner…well, you might get lucky.”

“Get lucky?”

Jim sighed dramatically. “Sex, Spock. You, me, horizontal, vertical, however you want it.”

“Hmm. Perhaps we could skip the museum and shopping after the hike and ‘get lucky’ before dinner.”  

“We could even skip the hike and go straight to the getting lucky,” Jim added with a mischievous grin.     

Spock grabbed his arm and led him toward their hotel.


	33. Carry My Lifeless Body Away From the Pain

Jim watched Spock, who had pulled on a pair of pants, return to their hotel bed holding a plate with a bowl on it. “What’s that?”

“Food,” Spock replied. “You need nutrition. Specifically, it is potato leek soup and a biscuit with butter.”

Jim smiled. “Is that on the approved list for food for me?”

“I did not bother to look on the approved list. You are on shore leave.”

“True. In that case, how come I don’t get a burger or something?”

“Jim.”

“Okay, okay.” He reached for the plate and picked up the spoon. “What about you?”

Spock sat next to him on the bed. “I had a nutritional supplement.”

Jim wrinkled his nose. “Yum.” He dipped his spoon in the soup and then placed it in his mouth. “Oh. For real, yum.”

“You approve then?”

Jim closed his eyes as he took another bite. “Definitely. I can’t remember ever eating naked before.”

“No?”

“Uh-uh.”

“How does it compare to eating clothed then?”

Jim thought about it. “No discernable difference.” He ate every bite of the soup and the biscuit. “That came out of the replicator?”

“Indeed. It was one of the choices listed on the hotel menu.” Spock took the dishes from Jim and put them in the dish chute.

“Are you sorry we never got to a museum?” Jim asked as Spock rejoined him on the bed. He met Spock’s outstretched fingers.

“No. And there is always tomorrow as we have one more day.”

“Hmm. I might want to spend the day in bed tomorrow too.”

Spock quirked his brow. “Another day?”

“Making love with the view of the ocean next to us, the breeze cooling our heated skin.” Jim sighed with contentment. “I can’t imagine a better shore leave.”

Spock leaned over to kiss him. “When put like that, I find I agree.”

Jim cupped the back of Spock’s neck and deepened the kiss. “How about you get rid of those pants?”

“A logical action,” Spock murmured. He eased back enough to slip the pants off his body and to the floor.

“I’ll never get used to how gorgeous you are,” Jim said, his gaze raking over Spock’s nude, aroused body.

Spock’s lips turned up at the corner. “I assure you that you would win any beauty contests between us.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “So not true.”

Spock laid himself on top of Jim, but he lifted up so that he braced his weight on his arms instead of Jim. “You are perfection in every way, ashayam.”

Jim licked his lips. “Why don’t you show me?”

Spock’s hands slid down Jim’s body, stopping at his ass. Vulcan fingers dug into his hipbones, but rather than hurting, it turned him on. He arched up against Spock.

“God, I want you in me.”

“Patience, t’hy’la.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t have any.” He slipped his hand between their bodies and grasped Spock’s erection.

“Jim,” Spock moaned.

“That’s it,” Jim breathed. “Spread me, take me, fuck me.”

“You need—”

“You. Now. I’m already slicked from before. Just do it already.”

Spock rose up, lifting Jim’s legs and pushing them apart. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, las’hark.”

Jim felt the pressure build as Spock’s cock breached him. He gave a keening cry as he arched up, taking more of his Vulcan inside him. He wrapped his legs around Spock as Spock pushed all the way to his balls.

Jim sought Spock’s gaze as the Vulcan began to thrust within him. Spock’s eyes met his and held there, frozen. There was so much emotion there, visible in those chocolate eyes. Love and desire more powerful than he had ever known or thought possible. He was lost.

“Meld with me.”

“Jim—”

“Meld with me. It’s okay. It’s what I want. Do it.”

Spock’s fingers were shaking as he nearly bent Jim in half to reach his face. The fingers touching his face were hot.

Jim’s mind lit up, bright and clear, and Spock was there, touching, caressing, stroking. He heard a soft mewling and thought perhaps it came from him.

Then his body shook and came alive everywhere as his release overtook him.

****

Jim had no idea why he woke, he only knew that he had. The room was dark. Night had fallen. The sliding door out to the sandy beach outside the room was open and Jim tried to recall if they’d left it that way when they’d finally fallen into exhausted sleep.

Beside him Spock slept the sleep of the dead for he did not stir as Jim eased himself out from under the heavy Vulcan.

The breeze coming in from outside was faint and not particularly cool. From where he stood he could see the moon of Paradise Island reflected on the smooth water.

He pulled on his clothes, his jeans, his T-shirt that matched his eyes, Spock said, and deliberately chosen to be that way. He located his phaser and took that with him too as he slipped outside.

The only sound was the soft lapping of the water and some native night creatures. Jim squinted at the moon reflection in the ocean but there was nothing.

He took a step toward the soft sand anyway, feeling it squish beneath his toes. Listened. To only the sound of his own heartbeat. He exhaled.

“Jim?”

He turned to see Spock standing in the open doorway of the sliding door. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.”

Spock walked outside. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing. I just thought…I don’t know what I thought.” Jim turned back around to look at the water.

“Jim!” Spock shouted.

Something came crashing down on his skull, something hard and blunt. Jim fell to the ground, already feeling blood oozing from the wound he had just been given. A shadow loomed over him. His phaser was kicked from his hand.

“No! Do not hurt him,” Spock said.

Jim turned his head toward Spock. He heard the sounds of a transporter engaging and then watched as Spock’s particles broke up.

“No! Spock! Spock!”

Something hit his head again and he heard the crack of his skull before his eyes rolled back.  


	34. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter but it had to be

Jim gasped awake, holding his head, and thrashing.

“No! Stop!” Bones voice. Hands pressing him down. “Stop, Jim. You’re going to hurt yourself. Stop.”

A hypo bit into his neck and he stopped thrashing. His head hurt like it had been cleaved in half. He moaned in pain.

“I know,” Bones said softly. “I know it hurts.” He felt Bones stroking his head.

He forced his eyelids open, winced at the blurriness. “Bones?”

“Yeah. Stay down, Jim. You have a severe head injury.”

“Enterprise?”

“Yes, you are on the Enterprise. I’m going to shine a bright light in your eyes, Jim. Just for a second, okay?”

Jim licked his lips. He thought he managed to nod, but wasn’t sure. Lights flared directly in his vision and he clenched his eyes shut against the glare.

“I’m done, it’s okay.”

“Spock,” he croaked out.

“Shh, it’s all right.”

“Where?”

“Jim, right now you need to focus on your recovery. They fractured your skull. Now I’ve repaired it but you’ve already seized two times. I need you to rest and remain calm.”

Jim grabbed Bones’ uniform shirt and pulled him down closer. “Where. The. Hell. Is. Spock?”

Bones frowned, looked very uncertain, then nodded slowly. “I don’t know where he is.”

It took Jim several seconds to get the words out. His head ached more than it had ever ached. It wasn’t just a headache. It was a weird lost feeling. Twisted and ugly. An emptiness. It made him feel like he would never feel right again. That all that awaited him was doom. His heart beat much slower in his chest than it probably should and he felt sluggish, tortured in a way he could not explain.

“What does that mean?” he finally asked, though the words tasted strange on his tongue.

“We found you, unconscious. There was no sign of Spock. And there is no trace of him anywhere on Paradise Island.” Bones paused. “Or the Enterprise.”

Jim immediately struggled up. “Need to find him.”

“No, you aren’t going anywhere, Jim. You’re in no shape to leave this bed,” Bones insisted.

“Spock—”

“There are people looking for him. Your crew is doing everything they can right now. You need to trust them to do their jobs.”

“I can’t. I have to find him. Bones—”

“Listen, I know what Spock means to you.”

“No. You don’t. He’s-he’s everything. I can’t make it without him.”

“You may have to.”

“No.” Jim pushed against Bones, who stubbornly refused to move. “I love him. I need him.”

“I’m sorry, Jim. But as your doctor I have to insist you stay here.”

Jim became angry. More angry than he could remember being in a low time. He grabbed Bones’ tunic and his fingers tightened around the collar of Bones’ shirt. “I’ll tear you apart if something happens to him.”

Bones’ expression didn’t change, but he did try to nod. “I’m sure you will. But I’m your friend as well as your doctor and I will not let you destroy yourself to find Spock. He wouldn’t want that either.”

Jim let go of Bones' shirt.  “I’m fine. I can do this.”

“No you aren’t. You should see yourself. Your skin is gray. I’m about to sedate you again because you’re getting yourself all worked up and your vitals are all over the place again.”

“Bones, please.”

“Those pleading baby blues won’t work this time. They aren’t even focused. I care about Spock too, Jim.”

“My head—”

“I know, they walloped you good. Did you see them?”

“No. I-I can’t remember. But it’s more.”

“More?”

“There’s something wrong, Bones. The bond. There’s something really wrong. Spock—”

Jim’s whole body began to vibrate and shake and he felt lightheaded, not in his head at all.

“Damn it!” Bones shouted. “Nurse! Nurse!”


	35. Prisoner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I realized I needed to explain events more, so I had to do some revisions to the chapter. I am re-posting it now.

Spock woke in fear.

Not for himself. If it was his time to die, then he would accept that as the logical culmination of his life.

He feared for Jim.

Spock was alone in a dark cell with a glass door, though he could not make out much beyond that glass. Currently there were no signs of his captor.

He’d been beamed up from Paradise Island while Jim was being attacked by a figure hidden within the folds of a cloak. At the last moment, just as he was taken from the area, the cloak slipped and Spock had recognized the male attacking Jim. He was not actually certain at who he saw since it could not have been possible. Yet…Spock did not think there was a mistake in his vision.

He did not know what happened after that for he woke in the cell, with no memory of his reappearance after the transport.

He could still feel Jim’s presence through their bond, so he knew his mate was alive. And he believed…safe. For the moment.

Spock put up his strongest shields. He would not allow his captor access to Jim in anyway. He did not know for sure but Spock believed that he was abducted as a means against Jim.

Jim had many enemies. He was an excellent starship captain who was almost always successful in his missions. There were those even with Starfleet who did not like him for that. But this particular incident did not come from Starfleet.

Spock heard a distant door opening and closing. He braced himself as he heard the steady approach of footsteps.

The door opened and the former ambassador, Shran, from Andoria appeared. He’d seen the man bleeding and dead in the brig.

“I got the signal you had awakened, Commander Spock.”

“I do not believe in ghosts,” Spock said levelly.

“No? That makes two of us, Commander.”

“You were declared dead by our chief medical officer. Lieutenant Masters killed you himself.”

Shran’s smile was triumphant. “Yes. Your Dr. McCoy did confirm the death of the Andorian laying in the cell. Fortunately, it was not me.”

“How did you accomplish such a feat?”

“I merely used an assistant who resembled me. I was never in the brig. My assistant took my place. It was easily arranged with one of your security officers who was not above taking bribes.” Shran shrugged. “I did not know Masters would attempt to kill me. I had intended to escape and leave my assistant in my place. Eventually it would have been discovered that he was not me. But by then I would be gone. His body was removed from the ship before your doctor could examine him too closely at the request of Andoria. And it all worked well for my plan. I do not regret his death. He served his purpose and died honorably.”     

“What have you done with Captain Kirk?”

“It was never my intention to get Kirk. It was you I was after all along.  This is about you.”

“Me?”

Shran smiled. “Indirectly. In point of fact, it is about Kirk. I did not seek to kill him though. That would be too easy. He deserves more suffering than death. This is revenge, Commander.”

“For?”

Shran glared. “He ruined me. That sex with consensual! She wanted me. It was only after her boyfriend found out that she claimed otherwise. And she liked it rough! But thanks to Kirk I lost everything. My career, my life on Andoria. I am supposed to be dead! I can never go back to my home planet.”

“Nor can I,” Spock said softly.

“Vulcans! I weep for you,” Shran said sarcastically. “But you do not know pain. You do not now oppression. I worked hard to get to where I am. And now? What life do I have? I must hide from all who have ever known me. I can never reveal who I truly am. And all at the word of Captain Kirk!”

“You violently raped a female Starfleet officer. The fact that you were not imprisoned for life for your crimes—”

“Silence!” Shran held up and pointed a phaser at Spock. “I will have my vengeance. He will know great pain. And he will know why.”

Spock fell silent.

“I intend to _ruin_ his life as he did mine. You, Commander Spock. Kirk cares for you. Everyone knows it. It’s pathetic the way he bends over to take it in the ass from you. Do you think I don’t know it? I saw you two! But it’s fortunate for me, because ruining you will destroy him. I can’t ruin his career. Starfleet will forgive anything. But his life? Yes. His very sanity? Definitely. I will have him spend the rest of his days hugging himself and weeping for his lost Vulcan.”

Shran stepped close to Spock, pressing the phaser into Spock’s side against his heart.

“I will draw him back here on Paradise Island. And I will make him watch you die. But not quickly. I will make sure you die a slow and painful death. You will scream for him. And I will watch his world shatter.” Shran smiled evilly. “Tell me, Vulcan, have you bonded with your captain in the Vulcan way? And I know Vulcans don’t lie.”

“We have participated in no bonding ceremony,” Spock replied. “We have not had time.”

“Nor the inclination until recently I’d wager.” Shran smirked. “I heard you rejected him when he first declared himself like a little lovesick puppy. But now you got the bitch to heel, didn’t you, Commander? No matter. It’s a pity. I could have made matters so much worse if you had been, I could have truly destroyed his mind. But it will be enough. I will ensure it.”

Shran pulled the phaser out of Spock’s side and walked to the exit. Then he turned back.

“Vulcans do not pray, do they?”

“They do not.”

“What a pity.”

He heard the door being relocked and then departing footsteps.

****

Jim looked to his left and to his right, but he saw no medical personnel. He was alone at last. About time. His head still throbbed like his brains were going to leak out and he felt vaguely woozy. And a little hopped up on anti-seizure medicine.

He swung his legs out of bed and to the floor. He pulled the small bag he’d hidden that contained his clothes. Ensign Chekov had brought it to him earlier during a visit. At Jim’s request. He dressed quickly. Or as quickly as he could with his dizziness. He slipped his phaser into the holster and pulled on his boots.

He had no idea how long it would take Bones to discover he was gone so he had to move fast. Watching for any nurses or other doctors, Jim headed for the exit of the medbay. No one saw him or stopped him.

Jim ran down the corridor to the turbolift, ignoring the pain in his head and the stitch in his side.

As he leaned against the bulkhead, he tried to concentrate. The truth was he wasn’t really sure how to do any of it, but he had to try.

_Spock?_

_Spock, it’s me._

_You need to open the bond._

_Come on, Spock. Open up._

_Come on, come on, come on._

“Damn it.” The doors of the turbolift opened and he rushed toward the transporter room. He had just made it inside when he heard a shout behind him. He ignored it.

Jim went to the controls and started working them. The doors opened.

“Captain! What are you doing out of bed?”

“I don’t have time for this, Uhura. I’m going after Spock.”

“After Spock? You know where he is?”

“Yes. No. Yes. I think he’s still down there. On the planet.”

“Captain, you’re injured. You can’t—”

“Oh, I can. And I am. And you’re not allowed to stop me. That’s an order.”

Uhura’s mouth thinned. “Then I’m going with you.”

“What? No.”

“You’re in no shape to rescue Spock like this. You can barely stand. And if something happens to you while you’re trying to rescue him, he’ll never forgive me.”

Jim snorted. “It’s not your responsibility.”

The doors opened again and Chekov came in.

“I am ready, Keptin.”

“You’re not going, Pavel.”

“Keptin—”

“You’re wasting time arguing with us, Captain.” Uhura headed to the transporter pad, followed by Chekov. “Let’s go get Spock.”

“Son of a bitch. Fine.” Jim set up the controls to transport in ten seconds, then he sprinted for the pad.

The transporter operated just as the doors to the room opened once more and though Jim didn’t know for sure, he had a pretty good idea who the guy in the flash of blue he’d just seen was. And the words, “damn it, Jim” rang in his ears.


	36. You're Every Line, You're Every Word, You're Everything

Jim’s head was pounding so hard he was pretty sure it was fractured or something. Fuck, it hurt. He seriously needed to expel his stomach contents, but he didn’t think he had any. And he was on his feet by sheer determination.

“Captain, why don’t you sit down somewhere and Chekov and I will handle this?”

Uhura in his personal space. Again. Trying to take over. Make him insignificant. He’d had a life time of being made insignificant. He would not be made that way when Spock needed rescuing.

“Lieutenant, if you try to get rid of me one more time we’re going to have some serious words about insubordination.”

Uhura was unimpressed. He could clearly see that. “I’m not trying to be insubordinate. I’m trying to keep you alive. For everyone’s sake but especially Spock’s.”

“Blah blah. I’m fine. And I’m done arguing.” He grimaced as a wave of dizziness had him sucking in a quick breath.

“God, I wish I could nerve pinch you right now,” Uhura snapped. “You’re not doing Spock any favors by getting yourself killed.”

“I’ve been in worse shape than this.” Jim aimed his phaser at the rock formation in front of them. It was where they had determined a hollowed out man-made cave had been made. A likely place for Spock to be held.

“Keptin, let me,” Chekov spoke up, firing at the indentation in the rocks.

The rocks disappeared and an entrance appeared.

“Who do you suppose has the Kommander?”

“I don’t know but I’m gonna kick their ass.”

Uhura put her hand on his shoulder. “Captain, whoever took Spock probably knows you’re going to come down here after him. It’s likely a trap is set and that they want you specifically.”

Jim shook his head. Regretted it instantly. “They could have taken me then if they wanted me.”

“Okay, but then they took Spock for a reason. Probably still has to do with you.”

“Yeah, I’ve figured that out, Lieutenant. You and Chekov stay here.”

“What?” Uhura’s mouth hung open. “No way.”

“If it is a trap, then I need someone who will be able to go in and get Spock.”

“We should go in together, Captain,” Uhura replied stubbornly.

“We’re wasting time arguing.”

“Agreed.” She pushed him toward the entrance. “Let’s go.”

She was holding on to him, holding him up, and Jim pretended not to notice.

****

Spock felt the press of Jim’s mind, trying to probe their link. He’d been trying before and Spock had been blocking him. But it was getting stronger, harder to block.

Spock was weak. Injured.

Shran had come back and used some sort of torture device on Spock earlier. The pain had been excruciating and it had taken a lot out of Spock to try and block it. He was drained and tired. He had hardly any strength.

_No, Jim._

_Spock!_

_Jim, please no. Go back. Leave me._

_Never. I’m coming._

_No! Shran. It is Shran._

_He’s dead._

_No time to explain. He is alive. Go back._

Spock knew very well Jim would not listen. No one was more obstinate than Jim. And he could tell through their link that there was something not quite right with Jim, but that his bondmate was trying to block the information from Spock. And if Spock had not been weakened by Shran’s device, he would have been able to probe their link deep enough to discover what his t’hy’la hid. But as it was, Spock could not.

There was a loud blast at the door of his cell and Spock tried to twist his body to see what was happening. Shran had hung him by his wrists from the ceiling with heavy chains. It was there he had sent electrical shocks through Spock’s body over and over.

The door of his cell gave way and Spock was expecting to see Jim.

But it was Nyota and Ensign Chekov that ran into his cell, phasers at the ready.

“Spock!” Nyota exclaimed rushing to his side. “Spock! I have to get you down from there.”

“Nyota, be careful.”

“You-you’re bleeding,” she said unhappily. “How do I get you down from this?”

“I think it is this contraption,” Chekov said, studying an electronic panel on the side of the wall.

“Yes,” Spock replied. “That is where Shran operated it.”

“Shran?” Nyota repeated.

“Yes, Shran.” His captor spoke from the doorway. He carried a Klingon Disrupter. “Put your weapons down now, Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Chekov. Or I will kill Commander Spock instantly.”

Uhura dropped her phaser and then Chekov dropped his.

“You,” Shran said coming fully into the cell. He gestured to Chekov. “Over there with them.”

Chekov moved to stand next to Nyota and beside Spock hanging from the ceiling.

Shran smirked. “I must say I’m disappointed. I expected Captain Kirk. Is he so much a coward he sent his crew instead of himself?”

“The captain is injured and in the medbay,” Uhura said, raising her chin.

“Excellent. I wasn’t certain how hard I hit him, but I’m glad to hear it was enough to incapacitate him.” Shran’s smile was sickening. “Will he live?”

“Yes,” Uhura said through gritted teeth.

“A pity. Perhaps my plan is not totally lost. Perhaps I will kill all three of you and broadcast it to your ship, your Enterprise. Your crew will see, your captain will see.”

Spock tried very hard to keep his gaze on their captor and not his captain who had entered the cell and was coming up to Shran with impressive stealth.

Jim reached Shran and knocked the Disruptor out of the Andorian’s hands and to the floor of the cell with a quick, hard chop as Shran cried out in pain, grabbing his arm.

Before Shran had time to act, Jim kicked him in the knees sending the former ambassador crashing to the ground next to the gun. But Jim quickly kicked it out of Shran’s reach.

Jim’s phaser rose to point at Shran’s head. “You should stand trial for all your crimes, but hell, you got away with it once, so maybe I’ll just kill you.”

Shran’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t!”

“Oh, I would. Absolutely. But since I know you had to have had help and the Federation is going to want their names too, I’ll just—” Jim took the phaser and hit Shran over the head, knocking him out.

Jim turned toward Spock and took the few steps necessary to reach him. His blue gaze went to Chekov. “Get him down.”

“Aye, Keptin.”

Chekov went to the panel, studied it, then pressed a button that lowered Spock to the ground, the released the restraints.

“You okay?” Jim asked, his gaze raking Spock over from head to toe.

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim put his hand on the back of Spock’s neck and then pressed his lips to Spock’s. “You better be.” He looked to Shran. “Get that piece of shit in restraints and get him into the brig. The others down here too.”

“Aye, Captain,” Nyota said.

“And Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?”

“Stop blocking me.”

Spock stared into those intense blue eyes and lowered his shields completely. Jim’s consciousness was with him like a caress. But then—

“Now let’s get back—” Jim took a step and dropped to his knees.

“Jim!”

“Captain!”

****

“You should be in bed yourself, Spock.”

“Your instructions were that I could get up and move around,” Spock pointed out to Dr. McCoy. He was clutching the hand of his unconscious bondmate, who lay in the biobed directly next to him.

“For a few minutes at a time. To walk around. You’ve been standing there hovering by his side for over an hour.” Dr. McCoy walked up to the other side of Jim. He took out his medical scanner. “He’s going to be fine, Spock.”

“Why does he not awaken?”

“It’s the sedation. I have him under pretty deep. I don’t want him doing something else completely idiotic.” McCoy eyed Spock. “Not that I’m not glad you’re back or anything.”

“I understand the sentiment.” And of course Spock also agreed. He would have words with Jim about his disregard for his own safety and well-being once he was assured of Jim’s full recovery.

“What about our prisoners?” McCoy asked.

Spock had been allowed access to his PADD during his own recovery and had been in contact with Starfleet. “We are to drop them off for transport to Federation prisons at the next Starbase. I have sent the coordinates to the bridge and they have laid in a course.”

McCoy nodded and leaned over to smooth Jim’s hair. “Think they’ll actually charge Shran with crimes this time?”

“I do not know how they could fail not to.”

“Good. Back in bed, Spock.”

Spock’s grip on Jim’s hand automatically tightened.

“You’ll be released in the morning,” the doctor told him. “He’ll be okay, Spock. He’s not going to wake up before morning. You can see him then.”

He still gripped Jim’s hand. Swallowed heavily. “It is difficult.”

“Look, Spock,” McCoy said, putting his hand on Spock’s shoulder. “I can’t say you’re always my favorite person given your prior treatment of Jim, but I can see plain enough that you care a great deal for him. That goes a long way with me. Just…don’t screw it up this time.”

Spock stiffened. “I do not intend to.”

“Jim will probably give you a million chances, because that’s the way he is. But me? Not so much. So don’t hurt him again. Otherwise we’re good.”

“Very well, doctor.”

“Name’s Leonard. Maybe you could call me that once in a while. I promise I won’t let it get to my head.” McCoy grabbed a chair and sat it next to Jim’s bed. “At least sit down.”

Spock did, entwining his fingers with Jim’s. It was completely illogical but touching Jim gave him a comfort he had never felt before. And at present it was something he seemed to need. He did not analyze it over much.

“Thank you…Leonard.”

McCoy squeezed Spock’s shoulder and moved off leaving Spock alone with his t’hy’la.

Spock closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, preparing to meditate.


	37. Time Has Brought Your Heart to Me, I Have Loved You for a Thousand Years

Spock came out of his meditation to find blue eyes fixed on him. His heart leapt in his side.

“I dreamed you were in love with me,” Jim whispered, his voice raspy in the quiet of the medbay.

“That was no dream.”

Jim’s lips curved. “Yeah, it was.”

If it was possible to hold Jim’s hand any tighter, Spock managed it. “How do you feel?”

“Like I could burst.”

“If you are unwell I will—”

“Spock.” Jim shook his head slowly. “You must know. I…feel you everywhere.”

Spock automatically began to withdraw, put up his shields. So he was surprised when Jim’s hand squeezed his.

“Hey, don’t do that. Don’t shut down.”

He swallowed. “You had expressed an earlier reluctance to be fully exposed to the bond.”

“I know,” Jim said softly, his tongue coming out to trace his lips. “I used to be afraid of you seeing all my thoughts, all my memories, all that happened to me, all my hopes. I’d be open and bleeding before you and you’d know you were absolutely right to reject me like you did.”

Spock had never known such pain, such shame. “Jim, I—”

“But I realize now that I’ve always been laid out to you, exposed, unable to hide anything about me really, because there’s no one else for me. No one I trust like you, no one I love like you, no one that I want like you. I’m only human, yeah, but with you, that’s okay, because without you I’m only ever half of what I should be. The bond is you, Spock, and I’m not afraid of you.”

Spock brought Jim’s hand to his lips and softly kissed the knuckles there. “You cannot know how much I regret how I acted with you before.”

“Actually, I have a pretty good idea.” Jim winced. “God, Spock, ease up on the guilt.”

“I apologize. It is only that I hurt you and I—”

“I forgive you.”

“But I cannot forgive myself.”

“We’re together now, completely. I feel your love. Let it go, Spock.”

Spock exhaled slowly, nodding. “I will spend the rest of our days together convincing you that I am worthy of your trust and affection.”

“Touch me,” Jim urged.

“I am touching you.” Spock stroked his fingers along the palm of Jim’s hand.

“No. I mean, meld with me.”

Reluctantly, Spock shook his head. “I would like nothing better, t’hy’la. But not until Dr. McCoy has cleared you.”

“Did somebody mention my name?”

Jim’s gaze moved from Spock to over his shoulder at Dr. McCoy. “Hey, Bones.”

“Don’t hey me.” The doctor attempted to push Spock aside. “Let me check you out.”

“I feel better,” Jim insisted.

“I’ll be the judge of that. I have the medical degree after all.” McCoy looked at Spock. “You can release his hand now.”

Spock was not actually sure he could.

Jim gave him a soft smile. “Come over to this side of the bed, Bones. And let Spock be.”

McCoy grumbled but he went to the other side to scan Jim instead of forcing Spock out of the way. “This the way it’s gonna be now?”

“What way?”

“You two lovebirds. Making eyes at each other across the room. Stealing Vulcan kisses. Openly necking in the turbolifts. Exchanging looks while you talk to each other in your heads. You taking his side in any discussion.”

Jim’s lips twitched. “What do you think?”

Bones sighed. “Oh my long, suffering life.”

“I will always be nothing but professional while on duty, Leonard,” Spock said in all seriousness.

Jim smiled. “Ooh, Leonard.”

“Be quiet,” McCoy said to Jim but without heat. “Everything’s looking good. No thanks to yourself.”

“Bones, I had to. That bastard had Spock.”

“You disobeyed the orders of your chief medical officer and got out of bed without authorization. You’re lucky I don’t file a report,” McCoy said, eyes narrowed.

“He had Spock,” Jim said again.

“The doctor is correct, Jim. I do not approve of your endangering yourself to rescue me,” Spock spoke up.

“I’m not sorry,” Jim maintained stubbornly. “And I’d do it again.”

“Jim—”

“I’d do it for you too, Bones.”

McCoy instantly softened. He rubbed the palm of his hand over Jim’s forehead. “You’re an idiot. But you’re our idiot. Get some rest and maybe tomorrow afternoon I’ll release you.”

“Okay.”

“And no mind melds for forty-eight hours.”

Jim pouted.

“You’ll live.” McCoy squeezed his arm. “Spock, go back to bed.”

“I will not.”

McCoy sighed. “Nobody listens.”

“You should do as he says, Spock. You do look tired,” Jim said when the doctor had walked away.

“I do not wish to leave your side,” Spock admitted.

“Spock, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

“Nor am I.”

“Stubborn Vulcan.” Jim smiled. “Then I’m scooting over and you can lie on this bed with me.”

“There is no room,” Spock said, but even he heard the note of hopefulness in his voice.

“We’ll make room.” And Jim moved over in the bed and then patted the space next to him. “I may have to lay on you a bit.”

“That will be acceptable.”

Spock got onto the biobed and then adjusted Jim until he was half-lying on Spock. He wrapped his arms around him and decided there was enough room for them both after all.

****

“I can do this alone, Captain.”

Jim looked sideways at Spock and nodded. “I know. But I want to do it.”

They stepped into the turbolift.

Jim folded his arms in front of his chest. He glanced at Spock. “What are you anxious about?”

“Not anxious exactly,” Spock replied. “It has just recently occurred to me that you are sometimes a better judge of character than I am.”

Jim smiled, raising his brows. “Just recently, huh?”

He was only mildly surprised when Spock stopped the turbolift. It was not really his habit to do so.

Spock was surveying him with singular attention. “You expressed reservations regarding Ambassador Shran’s character when he first beamed on board the Enterprise.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“I found him to be, although perhaps not entirely likeable in personality, relatively harmless and not worthy of deeper contemplation.”

Jim’s lips curved. “I know.”

“You were correct in your assessment of his character as he proved with Ensign Rogers and his subsequent actions.”

“I know, Spock. You came at it with logic and I went with my gut, my instincts.” Jim put his hand on Spock’s chest. “I like to think it’s what makes us such a good team.”

“I would agree,” Spock said. “But in the future I intend to give your instincts more consideration than I have thus far.”

“I wish there was something we could do for Masters.”

“Though he did not kill Shran, he did still murder a man, Captain.”

“He was provoked.”

“We cannot take justice into our own hands however tempting it may be to do so.”

Jim sighed. “I know. I just…it sucks.”

“It is unfortunate.”

Jim thought that was quite the understatement. He went to the lever and released the turbolift. A moment later it opened on the deck which contained the transporter room.

Side by side they walked to the transporter room.

Security was waiting with their prisoner, Shran.

Hendorff stepped forward. “The other prisoners have already been transported down, sir. Only this one remains.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant. Make sure extra security escorts him. I don’t want any mistakes.”

“Aye, sir. I’ll be seeing to it myself on orders of Lieutenant Commander Giotto.”

“Good.” Jim turned to look at Shran.

Shran was staring openly at Jim and Spock, his expression serene, but vaguely insolent. He wore restraints on his wrists. “Is this entirely necessary?” He held up the restraints.

“It definitely is,” Jim replied.

“You think you’ve beaten me, Kirk. But you haven’t. I’ll be back. And when I am, you’d best be looking over your shoulder.”

Spock stiffened, his eyes narrowing, and he took a step forward. Jim put his hand on Spock’s arm to stop him.

“Get him off my ship,” Jim told Hendorff.

Hendorff and the rest of his team moved Shran up to the transporter pad and a few minutes later they were gone.

“I do not like that he threatened you.”

“I know. It’s all right.”

“It is not all right,” Spock said coolly.

Jim squeezed Spock’s biceps. “He’s going to prison. For a long time.”

“Yes. You are going to rest now? I am due on the bridge.”

“Rest? I was going to—”

“Dr. McCoy has you off duty for two more days. You are tired, I feel it. Go to your quarters and rest until I can join you,” Spock said it exactly as if he was giving orders. Jim thought he probably was. “And eat something. You have not had anything to nutritionally sustain you since early this morning.”

Jim sighed. “Okay. But I really want you to fuck me later.”

Spock opened his mouth and Jim felt he was going to protest, so he immediately shook his head.

“I’m fine. I promise. Please?”

Spock quirked a brow. “How am I to refuse when you beg?”

Jim grinned. “You can’t.” He ran his fingers along Spock’s. “See you later then.”

Jim headed to the deck that contained the officers’ quarters. Later he would talk to Spock about advising the admiralty about their relationship status. He’d rather Spock shared quarters with him so they would need to make everything quite clear. Their relationship was not against regulations per se, but Jim knew he would have to be ready with every argument he could think of about their working relationship.

He’d almost made it to his quarters when he spotted Uhura coming down the corridor toward him.

“Hello, Lieutenant.”

She smiled. “Captain, do you think I could have a brief word?”

Jim stopped. “Sure. What’s on your mind?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

“For what this time?” Jim teased.

“Just…my part in keeping you and Spock apart.”

“Haven’t we already been through this?”

Uhura grimaced. “I guess. I just feel that it was inadequate. Spock and I decided some time ago we made better friends than lovers. But sometimes I don’t think I’ve been a very good friend to him and I think I gave him some bad advice. At least where you’re concerned.”

Jim shook his head. “No one is responsible for the problems between Spock and me but the two of us. I don’t fault you and neither does he. Would I have loved to have been with Spock sooner? Of course. But to dwell on the past is to live there and I don’t want to do that.”

She smiled. “I once thought you were a really great captain but not always such a great guy.”

Jim laughed. “You once thought I was a complete shit even as a captain.”

“That was a long time ago,” she assured him.

“And now?”

“Now I think you’re a pretty good guy and the best captain there is.” She touched his arm as she made to move past him. “But don’t let it go to your head.”

Jim smiled, shook his head, and opened the door to his quarters.

In the middle of his quarters was a small but elegant cherry wood table. And on it was a red velvet box with a gold metallic bow. And two champagne flutes. One of which was clearly filled with bubbling champagne but the other had a dark amber color that resembled sparkling apple juice.

Jim didn’t move. He just stared at it. In his wildest dreams he never let himself imagine what could possibly lay in that box.

Then he felt a rush of hope, anxiousness, and affection so strong it took him a moment to realize none of it came from him. All he felt was a sort of mind-numbing shock.

He licked his dry lips.

“Spock?”

Spock came out from Jim’s bathroom and the first thing Jim noticed, probably illogically, was that Spock didn’t wear his usual uniform but instead had on one of his brown meditation robes. He looked casual and adorable in a Vulcany way that only Spock could pull off.

“Good evening, Jim,” Spock said so softly Jim had to strain to hear.

“You-you said you were due on the bridge.”

“Technically that was not a lie as I was, however, I rearranged my schedule and Mr. Scott is currently there.”

“How’d you get in here so fast?” Jim asked, knowing to focus on little details was his way of ignoring that red velvet box, though it was like a beacon drawing his gaze with odd determination.

“I came the other way and Nyota distracted you for me.”

Jim clenched his fists, digging his nails into the palms of his hand, because suddenly he was overwhelmed by so many emotions his eyes began to sting with the effort not to let them water and show just how weak he really was. Love, desperation, desire, hope, yes, but the most prominent emotion was joy and it scared him the most because he could not think of a time he’d felt joy so powerfully. And these emotions…these were his. And if they were misdirected in some way, well, Jim could not take it. Even he had his limits.

His gaze could not be diverted from that table. “Champagne?”

“Yes. And apple cider for me.”

Even with his eyes focused on that damn red box, Jim was aware of Spock’s intent stare. Hell, he was drowning in it.

He was cherished so much and God but he was unworthy.

“Sometimes I can’t stop eating because I’m never full,” Jim whispered. “I hoard food because I’m afraid I’ll never have enough. I’ve been known to eat food out of the garbage bin.”

He swallowed and ruthlessly forced the tears away. He inhaled sharply.

“Other times the thought of eating again makes me sick to my stomach and filled with shame. Because I should have-I should have—”

“Jim.”

He shook his head. “I’ve been sexually abused more times than I can even think about. Because if I do I’ll lose my shit. I sometimes pick fights with bigger guys just so they can kick my ass and I can feel the pain. I drive cars off cliffs. I take crazy chances because sometimes that’s the only way I know I’m alive. I drink too much. I’ve taken illicit drugs. I’ve been under mind control.

Sometimes when I’ve slept with people I couldn’t even feel it. Sometimes I’ve felt it too much until I thought it might consume me. Sometimes I have these nightmares even when I’m awake. I’m petrified you’ll walk away because everybody does but then I’m scared shitless you’ll stay and find out just how awful I really am.”

The tears he fought were pooling in his eyes as he watched Spock pick up the red box and pop it open, holding it out toward him.

Jim didn’t have to look to know. He closed his eyes. “Why?”

Spock’s fingers were on his face, on his meld points. “You are my sun, my las’hark. Without you there is only darkness…Kolinahr.” His fingers gentled on Jim’s cheek. “Open your eyes, t’hy’la. We are already Telsu, you are my adun.”

Jim opened his eyes and stared into Spock’s deep brown eyes, so full of tenderness.

“Will you also be my husband in the ways of Earth?” Spock asked, his voice carrying the very light hint of a tremor. “I would bind you to me in all ways.”

The words wouldn’t come. He wanted to say it, he did. Spock deserved the words. But all he could do was just nod and then bury his face in Spock’s neck.

Spock’s lips ghosted over his forehead. His fingers were still on Jim’s face and he sensed the question.

“Do it,” Jim whispered.

For just a moment he heard “my mind to your mind” like an echo in his head instead of spoken out loud like it had been with old Spock.

Then there was just the tiniest pressure, gone in an instant.

Unlike the meld with the older Spock, Jim was not assaulted with images or overwhelming heart wrenching grief. It was just peaceful and comforting and he felt surrounded by love.

His eyes were closed at first and he was all blissed out, and when he opened them upon feeling Spock’s kiss on his cheek, he saw that he was now laying on the bed, Spock hovering over him, looking down upon him.

“That was nothing like I expected.”

“What did you expect, my James?”

“I guess what I had before. Memories, the past, pain.”

“There are different forms of melds,” Spock told him. “That was an intimacy meld.”

“I like the sound of that.” Jim smiled. He reached up to cup Spock’s jaw. “I never thought it was possible to love this much.”

“It frightens you.”

“A little, yeah. It makes me—”

“Vulnerable.”

Jim laughed softly. “It’s weird to be with a mind reader.”

“I apologize if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Jim leaned up to kiss Spock. “I thought it would, honestly, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t feel like you’re in there harvesting or anything. It’s just…I wish I could explain it. It’s like you fill a hole I didn’t know was there.”

“You have no reason to fear, Jim. I will cherish you for all the days of our lives. We will never be truly parted.”

“Parted and never parted.”

“Yes.”

Jim grabbed Spock’s hand and entwined their fingers. “Now are we going to fuck?”

Spock’s quirked brow was too adorable. “I will always endeavor to fulfill your needs.”

“Oh I need. You. Now.”

Spock kissed him. And then kissed him. And kissed him. He was left breathless, yearning for more, but drawing breaths into his lungs.

“I have never known your equal,” Spock whispered, almost reverently.

His hands moved to the fastenings of Jim’s trousers and it occurred to Jim he no longer wore his boots, though he wasn’t sure when that happened. Probably when Spock brought him to the bed.

Jim decided Spock was being far too efficient and slow in his removal of Jim’s clothes. He shoved a knee in between Spock’s legs and used it for leverage to flip his Vulcan so that he lay on his back with Jim hovering over him.

He grinned down at a clearly startled Spock. “I have my ways of even surprising you.” He yanked on Spock’s robe, pleased when Spock lifted up enough for Jim to pull it off, down Spock’s arms to expose his chest. He smoothed his fingers over the dark fur covering Spock.

He noticed Spock watching him intently and his grin widened. “You’re really beautiful, you know that?”

Faint green spread over Spock’s cheeks. “You are the one who is extraordinarily aesthetically pleasing.”

“Okay so we mutually admire each other,” Jim said, lips twitching.

Spock’s hand went to Jim’s chest over his heart. “I feel your happiness,” he said, awed.

“Well…yeah.” Jim framed Spock’s face in his hands and kissed him deeply, soon slipping his tongue into Spock’s mouth. “Too many clothes, babe,” he murmured.

And just like that Jim was flipped onto his back again and Spock was ripping Jim’s shirt down the middle, tossing aside the remains.

“Something tells me the quartermaster will not be pleased.”

Spock gave him a look then shifted so that he could take care of the removal of Jim’s trousers, then he undid the sash on his robe and let it fall to the floor, fully exposing himself to Jim’s hungry gaze.

Jim licked his lips. “Come here.”

Spock pounced, pinning a naked Jim to the bed, his lips and teeth grazing over Jim’s throat and jaw before dipping down to tug a nipple into his mouth.

Jim moaned and arched up. Spock’s hands slid down his body, stroking, squeezing, closing around Jim’s shaft. Jim’s teeth sunk into his bottom lip as Spock rose above, parting his cheeks.

He found himself flipped onto his stomach, his face buried in the soft pillow on his bed. Spock had scooted down him, once more using his fingers to part Jim’s ass. Jim mewled when Spock’s tongue speared him. He pushed back, unable to stop himself from seeking more.

Wet, slick fingers were added to Spock’s tongue, pushing inside him. It all felt almost unbearably intimate. He had the fleeting thought of that being strange since he and Spock had sex before, but now that they were fully open to the bond, connected, engaged, and everything else under the sun, it left him feeling exposed to his very soul, opened wide, and yet…safe to be so.

He closed his eyes on a moan as he felt Spock’s teeth prick a rounded cheek. Three fingers probed inside him now and it was not enough. He wanted more. All of it. All of Spock.

“Please,” Jim heard himself beg without shame. “Please, Spock.”

Another swipe of Spock’s tongue across his puckered hole. He dug his fingers in the sheets, his body trembling with need and desire.

Rather than enter him right then as Jim expect, he felt himself be turned over once more onto his back. Spock engulfed his cock, instantly sucking him down to the root and Jim keened loudly, clutching desperately at Spock’s hair.

The tongue swirling, the teeth scraping against his rigid shaft was maddening. He would not last, could not.

“Oh God, oh God,” he breathed out, a litany of other words and sounds fell from his lips unbidden, unintelligible, as Spock worked him into a dripping frenzy.

Jim could feel everything, from him, from Spock, they were one, and he felt it all, it was too much, yet never enough.

His balls tightened and his cock let go, flooding Spock’s mouth with his seed. Spock swallowed as much as he could before he released Jim with a rather slurpy sound. Their gazes met briefly, locking on long enough to convey love, lust, eternity.

Spock pushed inside him, wrapping Jim’s legs around his waist as he pivoted deep, thrusting in fast, pounding hard, his skin flushed an adorable green.

Jim was too sensitive, too sated to come again, but he still felt Spock’s arousal, his desperation, his own need to release himself inside of Jim. Spock snared Jim’s hands, entwining their fingers, palms resting against palms as he drove into Jim. A spark, a bright yellow light lit up Jim’s mind, awe-inspiring in its intensity, as Spock shouted his release.

For a long time afterward, Jim simply held Spock to him, Spock’s precious head resting on Jim’s chest. It was all right with Jim if Spock never moved. He would gladly be the Vulcan’s pillow for the rest of their lives.

He threaded his fingers through dark, silky hair. Marveling that he could do this. Whenever he wanted really. Well, probably not on the bridge. He laughed, maybe a little hysterically.

“Jim?”

“I’m just…I love you.”

“I love you as well.”

Jim smiled, petting Spock’s face. “I have a lot of messed up shit in my head.”

“They are only memories now. They cannot and will not hurt you. We will create a future of pleasant ones.”

“You really want to marry me?”

“Yes,” was Spock’s simple answer.

It humbled Jim a bit and made his heart swell.

“And you really want to marry me?” Spock asked softly after a moment.

“Oh yeah.”

Spock moved off him then, rising from the bed. He touched his fingers to Jim’s lips when he would protest. “I am going nowhere. I am only retrieving means to clean us.”

Jim stared at the ceiling, hearing Spock move within his bathroom. Their bathroom as it would be once they married and informed Starfleet. Jim would work on that later when he wanted to move again.

Spock returned, once more dressed in his brown robe, with a damp warm cloth with which he wiped Jim all over. Jim just lay there and let him, too, thinking that in a way it was an example of the ultimate trust to allow someone else to bathe you.

When Spock returned after discarding the cloth in the bathroom, he once more lay on the bed next to Jim, gathering him close. His fingers rested on Jim’s face, not a meld exactly, but a warm buzzing contact between them that was so much comfort and contentment. Jim could definitely get used to it.

“You’ll have to move all your stuff in here.”

Spock nodded.

“There’s even room for your meditation stuff and you can do it in that corner over by the closet. It’s private.”

“Indeed.” Spock’s thumb brushed Jim’s bottom lip. “You never had anything to eat.”

“I know. And I totally didn’t even get one sip of that champagne.”

“You did distract us with your sexual demands,” Spock said with some amusement.

“I have a feeling that might happen a lot,” Jim replied with an unrepentant grin. “You’re super hot and tempting.”

“My temperature—”

Jim’s laugh interrupted him. “Oh stop.” He kissed Spock’s thumb.

“You have regrets.” It was a statement not a question and Jim knew Spock had caught his thought.

“I wish I could have met your mom. Is that stupid?”

“No,” Spock said quietly. “Though illogical, I wish that you could have as well. She would have been fond of you.”

“Fond.” Jim shook his head with a smile. “Is that what you are? Fond of me?”

“No. The depth of my affection goes far beyond fondness,” Spock admitted.

“Well, that’s something anyway.” Jim looped his arms around Spock’s neck, pressing their bodies together. “My affection goes far beyond fondness too. Just so you know.”

“I know.”

“Damn telepath.” He covered Spock’s lips with his own. “Hey, you know something?’

“What, t’hy’la?”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

Spock’s lips curved very slightly. “You learned to say it.”

“I sure did,” Jim said, admittedly proud of himself. “Did I say it right?”

“You most definitely did. And I most definitely reciprocate.”

Jim covered Spock’s hand on his face with his own. “Show me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this story in July 2015 I had no idea it was going to take me a year to finish it, but it has. And at last, at nearly 50,000 words later, it is finished.
> 
> It probably shouldn’t have taken that long considering it’s only about 50,000 words but it’s impossible for me to turn my mind off with new ideas for Spirk and Star Trek to the point it's becoming embarrassing really. But still, I have finished, and though I had thoughts of posting the final chapter on July 13 because that’s when I first posted it, I decided not to wait. It’s done, why wait?
> 
> I have to say I ended up loving this Jim and Spock very much. They are easily in my top five of Jim/Spock pairings and that’s saying a lot considering how many I’ve written now. And I think they deserved a long, achingly romantic last chapter and so that’s what I’ve given them.
> 
> If you stuck it out with me for the year on this I just have to say how very grateful I am for your readership.
> 
> My next goal is to get The Fates are Kind finished. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
